


Pan Producer

by bip2



Category: Nine Percent, 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV)
Genre: Angst, Asexual You Zhangjing, Bo and Fen are married, Everyone Is Gay, Friends to Lovers trope, Gen, Literal Sleeping Together, M/M, Multi, Mutual Pining, Pansexual Lin Yanjun, Pining, Sadness, Sleeping Together, Sleeping around, Slow Burn, Then there's just some, gratuitous use of hickies as a plot device, i guess?, lin chaoze is a little shit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-03
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2019-04-17 15:38:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 52,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14192247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bip2/pseuds/bip2
Summary: Lin Yanjun didn't walk into this competition expecting to make any friends, all he needed was Zhangjing by his side. And in the end, that really was true, just not in the way he thought.Aka Yanjun doesn't know he's in love until it's almost too late.





	1. A Beautiful Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> N I swear to god do not show this to your sister  
> V if you see this don't expose me in class I was weak and bored

It all starts on the day the staff makes them pick their Top Visual, after all they've been trainees long enough that a little fanservice is to be expected. It'll probably be the more twink-looking, lower ranked trainees that will push it the most, as most of them would do anything to get the votes they need to stay. That's why it's so surprising to Yanjun when he gives his pick, Lu Dinghao, that the staff makes him wait. 

'Shit' He thinks, bangs creating a soft curtain over his quickly darting eyes that flick over the cameras currently focused on him. Yanjun worries his lip between his teeth, pouring over all of his past actions in his head. Nothing he'd done had seemed overtly gay, right? The whole time while filming he'd tried to keep the most straight form of his personality, pushing the non-straight thoughts into the back of his mind and suffocating his pansexual identity. It wasn't extremely difficult to do, seeing as how he was known as a flirt among his label mates and any slip ups were seen a mere jokes. Or at least he though they had? 'Fuck' Nothing exposing sprang to mind. 

"What do you think your rank was?", the main filming jiejie asked. 

"Um", Yanjun frowned, the question was unexpected but so was this entire situation, "Probably not in the top nine?" 

Although her face was covered by a mask, Yanjun swore he saw her brown eyes crinkle in a way that belied a smile underneath the fabric. 

"You got the most votes." 

'What' Yanjun thought, dumbstruck at the sudden attention he had received. 

"Ohhhh", he exclaimed, pink lips quirking up into a grin as he bashfully turned away from the camera, "Really?"

The filming crew seemed delighted by his bashfulness and the remainder of the interview was spent on questions about his thoughts. They show him clips of those who voted for him, and even though he swears revenge on Bu Fan for saying Yankai, it brings a little bit of happiness that he'll never admit. 

 

Later that night, Yanjun stepped out of the shower and wrapped a yellow towel around his waist. Wet hair clung to his forehead and as he swiped at the fogged up mirror with his palm, he squinted at himself. 'Top Visual, huh' Yanjun pressed his coffee brows together and cringed as his entire face wrinkled, pink skin from the shower flaring up from embarrassment and boiling water. He made a couple more faces and then smirked at his reflection, no doubt Zhangjing was going to give him shit about this the moment he stepped out of the bathroom. 

Yanjun resigned himself to the oncoming barrage of greasy pick lines and caresses coming his way from that asexual fiend. He pulled on his steam-damp pjs and opened the door. 

"And so the shower monster lives!" Zhangjing squealed from Yanjun's bunk bed, wrinkling all of his covers and twisting his blankets into knots with his writhing, "Tell me, national producers, how does this pink beast turn into the tanned top visual of our show?" 

"Easy peasy", Yanjun stuck his tongue out at his giggling best friend," I give them my smoulder."

Zhangjing threw his pillow at him, "You're so greasy!" he exclaimed, leaning over to pull Yanjun close and onto the bed with him. 

Yanjun grumbled and hit the smaller male, who continued to poke fun of the "great beauty" who he had managed to ensnare. He smiled into Zhangjing's shoulder, and felt the Malaysian's hand stroke the back of his own. Yanjun's nose inhaled the laundry detergent of his sweater, the soft shade of pink and all the supposed greatness it symbolized, comfortingly greeted him every time his black lashes opened. And so, ever so slowly, he fell asleep to the sounds of Can't Stop being hummed in his ear. 

\--

"Oh my god! One minute the Top Visual, next the Top Skank of the show." 

The familiar sound of Chaoze's nasally voice broke through Yanjun's quiet slumber. Groaning he nosed his head deeper into Zhangjing's warm chest, "Go away...." he whined. 

"Sorry princess, it's way past time for you to pull a Sleeping Beauty." Chaoze chirped as he shoved an icy cold hand down the back of Yanjun's shirt. 

"SHIT", Yanjun barked out, squirming away from his bothersome label mate and crushing a still sleeping Zhangjing underneath his body, "Why am I friends with you?!"

Chaoze leaned over and squished Yanjun's glaring face, "Because you love me", he said while lifting up an easily identifiable McDonald's bag, "And because I buy you food."

"Apology accepted." Yanjun made grabby motions for the newfound treat, "Gimme."

"Is that food?!" Zhangjing whined from his squished postion, "I deserve some, my pretty best friend's been suffocating me all night!" 

"You grabbed me first!"

"Nuh uh!" 

And with that, both boys rolled out of bed and into their spinny chairs across the dorm. Yanjun bit into his oily McGriddle and smiled as Chaoze scolded them for eating with their mouths open and being "disgusting". He looked at the empty beds, Nongnong must've already gone to the cafeteria, while the rest of his dorm mates were eating breakfast with him. It felt like a good day.


	2. Yanchen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This started out random and then it turned into a 3k+ Zhou Yanchen appreciation work SO have fun with that I guess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I used mobile for the first time and accidentally created two of this fic? 
> 
>  
> 
> P.S. I had no idea how to write a makeour scene and in hindsight it would have been helpful to watch yanchen's new drama's makeour back stage thing to get a better idea of what he does. Oops

Scratch that, today is horrible and Yanjun hates everything. The reason why his day has been ruined, is because Zhou Yanchen, aka one of the most beautiful boys on set, has apparently been dared to hold his hand all day. By Qin Fen. That gay traitor. Yanjun swears that ever since he married his Mubo, Fen-ge has taken it upon himself to spread romance around every where he goes. After all there's a reason he's friends with Jackson. 

Yanjun had been walking down with his label mates, as today was a waiting period between evaluations and when they'd be given their next task, they had ample resting time. Dinghao had been screaming about how "bad" his last amazing pun was, when Yanchen had shuffled up to their group sheepishly. 

Running the his hand behind his head, Yanchen smiled his legendary, trade-marked smile at all of them, "Can I talk to Yanjun for a sec?" 

Yanjun watched in slo mo as Dinghao turned to him with the biggest shit eating grin, and dragged the rest of their group away from the duo. Chaoze hissed, "get it, bitch.", in his ear as they walked away. 

"What do you want?", Yanjun queried, once again letting his "cold" personality come out as it always did when he was uncomfortable. He cocked his head, the sun being blocked out by Yanchen's taller silhouette temporarily as he slightly frowned at him. His puffy black parka's fur lined hood created a sun illuminated halo around the raven haired boy's face. 

"I um- I... lost a bet to Fen-ge", Yanchen's smile grew more and more forced looking as he admitted that, "It involves you." 

"Oh", Yanjun breathed out, a cloud of condensation came into being between them from his lips, "...is it bad...?"

"No no no!", Yanchen stepped closer, hands waving frantically to reassure the older man, "It's not that bad but I really need you to say yes, other wise I have to do this with Bu Fan." 

Yanjun swallowed at the closer proximity, and ignoring the way one of the wild hands had flicked his chest, he grinned "I'll do it, if only to save you from that giant." 

Yanchen's smile went to its maximum luminescence as he leapt forward and hugged him, "Thank you!" 

Yanjun couldn't have helped himself, Yanchen was gorgeous and smiling and touching him, so yes he blushed a little bit, sue him. It wasn't exactly a crush, but he was pan and weak and Yanchen had asked so nicely, of course he'd give in. Slowly he patted the ebony's shoulder and gently pulled himself out of Yanchen's grip, "So what did I just get myself into?" 

Yanchen's smile finally revealed its true form, a cat that caught the canary smirk, as he linked his left and Yanjun's right hand together. "Just this", he said, leaning away and tugging Yanjun forward, "All day."

Yanjun immediately stumbled, and as Yanchen used his free hand to steady the elbow of Yanjun's arm that wasn't already in his grasp, he quietly underwent a "pan"ic. This wouldn't end well. 

\--

No lie, the whole thing was awkward, no thanks to Yanjun. Yanchen hadn't really interacted with the boy at all before this, the brunette's name had sprung to mind only because he'd recently been voted Top Visual. Yanchen wasn't full of himself, but the fact he broke Top 9 had made him pretty happy, happy enough to giddily agree to a game of truth or dare between Qin Ent., OACA, and Grammarie that he'd previously been avoiding for some reason. But now he knew the reason his past self had been so much wiser than him in the present, he'd been avoiding Cupid Fen-ge. 

The minute he had been picked by him last night Yanchen felt his heart drop to his stomach, rightly so since the dare ended up being whispered into his ear by a slightly drunk Fen while Mubo dead eyed him. Before he'd been asked who he thought should have been Top Visual as a Truth question, and he'd said he agreed with the trainees' pick. He'd also commented on Bu Fan's past modeling experience and said that for a photo shoot or runway he'd crush. Fen had told him what the parameters were, it must be before eliminations, one of the two people he'd already named, and that he could tell no one else other than the person whose hand he was holding. After Fen-ge had leaned back he'd smirked and told the whole group that what Yanchen would be doing was inspired by his PPAP performance, causing a chorus of Oooo's to explode around him. 

Despite Bu Fan actually already being right there, he'd waited a night to go to Yanjun first. Mostly because being around Bu Fan all day would drive him bonkers, but also because he'd felt bad that he'd never really talked to someone who was probably going to go farther into the competition and he figured that this would be a good ice breaker. After all you never knew who your future team mates would be. [Plus Yanjun was pretty cute-] 

But as he accidentally yanked Yanjun into his chest in an attempt to stop him from falling, Yanchen felt the true broach of his mistake. First, the slight hitch of breath he caught from Yanjun as his hand tightened on the slightly smaller boy's elbow, and when Yanjun looked up, eyes blown wide at the new level of closeness, he'd felt his heart warm. Yanjun had looked to the side as he pursed his bright red lips together, the color supposedly from lipstick and the surrounding cold, which had immediately drawn Yanchen's eyes. They looked soft, like Yanjun took good care of them, but the slight shine and chap on them implied a bad habit of licking them which would dry them out over time. Shame... Yanchen though over whether or not he'd bought extra chapstick lately and while nothing sprung to mind he realized he'd been staring at Yanjun's lips while creepily making him hug him. 

Blinking, he took a deep breath which pressed his rib cage against the front Yanjun's white sweater, and took a step backwards. He wondered if he should say something, he didn't want this entire day to be spent awkwardly silent, but Yanjun beat him to it. 

"Sorry", Yanjun finally made eye contact with him as he looked to his right, a crooked smile formed slight dimples making him look adorable, "Though I guess I'll have to get used to touching you, seeing as how you've already touched my heart." 

...

Yanchen felt his brain short circuit a tad bit, while he digested the fact that Yanjun had just used one of the worst pick up lines he'd ever heard on him, he remembered that Yanjun had a certain reputation around him. Well, he guessed, two could play at that game. 

Tightening his grip on Yanjun's calloused hand, he smiled and leaned into the elder's personal space, and throatily whispered, "Oh your heart's not the only place I want to touch you." 

The laugh he got in response made him let loose the giggles he'd been holding in, and Yanchen felt the awkwardness ease for the first time that morning. Yanjun started towards the cafeteria, and in his relief Yanchen didn't notice the stain of pink flooding Yanjun's cheeks. 

\--

When the duo stepped into the cafeteria, the reaction that greeted them was less than what Yanjun had expected. Nongnong had noticed Yanjun immediately and smiled adoringly while waving him over. Yanjun raised their interlocked hands in response and quirked his eyebrows up in a silent question. Nongnong shrugged and patted the seats next to him. 

Yanjun turned to Yanchen, who'd been glaring at Xiao Gui and Xingjie at the table closest to them. The two grinned simultaneously at Yanjun once they noticed him looking at them, and out of the corner of his eye he could see Yanchen mouthing something at them. 

"Is it okay if we sit with Nongnong?" Yanjun asked, finally looking away from the other Grammarie trainees and to his own, "Unless you want to sit with them?" 

"Sure", Yanchen smiled at him, pearly whites flashed under pale lips and cheeks squishing his eyes into half moons, "I think we won't be able to escape that pair for long though."

Yanjun snorted at that, "True." 

Together they made their way over to where Nongnong sat. The only person who'd been sitting there was surprisingly Zhu Zhengting, oddly he wasn't nagging his children at the YueHua table. The currently brown haired boy smiled at them and waved. 

"Hey Yanchen, hello Yanjun", He beamed, flicking his bangs out of face while his gaze wandered down to their conjoined hands, "What's that?" 

Nongnong leaned over to take a look, "Eh?", he gasped with a palm over it, "My geges are together..?" 

Yanjun felt his entire face slowly light on fire as his embarrassment grew, he denied "N-"

"Of course we're together Nongnong" Yanchen responded, tugging Yanjun closer to his side, "How can you hold hands without being together in some way?" 

NongNong's laugh was muffled by his hand, "Ohhhh, okay." 

Yanjun was so confused. Why hadn't Yanchen just brought up the bet? He looked at the dark haired boy, but he was too busy talking to Zhengting now. Yanjun sat down next to his favorite trainee other than Zhangjing and grinned. Speaking of home, all that was left of his company was sitting in a different spot from usual, almost completely hidden from his viewpoint by the table at which Cai Xukun and his friends sat. 

"How was your morning?" He asked, always happy to have his Nongnong time. 

"Oh, it was really fun! I talked to Bo-ge and Fen-ge about love and how to style bangs in different ways." Nongnong beamed at him, pushing some scrambled eggs on a plate towards him, "But it wasn't as good as your's apparently." 

Yanjun mourned the loss of his soft sweet boy and the little devil with the face of an angel that had replaced him, "I'd blame Fen-ge for your corruption but I know you lost your innocence the minute you met Kaihao."

Nongnong gasped and slapped his shoulder, "Don't accuse Kaihao of such things!" 

Yanjun laughed and ate the eggs the other boy had given him, arriving so late often meant cold food, so he was grateful for his kindness. He turned back to Yanchen once he felt a tug on his hand, the other man just smiled at him and expectantly held out a forkful of french toast coated with syrup. 

Yanjun mouthed thank you and took the bite into his mouth, but Yanchen had pushed the piece of metal too quickly. Grunting he jerked away as its prongs slightly stabbed the top of his mouth, it didn't hurt but now there was syrup all over his mouth. 

"Sorry Yanjun" Yanchen exclaimed, sheepishly he twisted his smile downwards a bit, "You're kind of holding my dominant hand." 

Yanjun made the executive decision to ignore the way both Zhengting and Nongnong laughed at that, partially so he could try to forget his mistake of letting Nongnong play with the Banana Culture trainees in Truth Or Dare, a night which had ended with Nongnong knowing too much about his sexual preferences; and so the flood of embarrassment he was feeling would be less apparent. Licking the stickiness off of his lips, Yanjun smiled crookedly at Yanchen and replied that it was nothing. And it honestly would have been if he hadn't noticed the way Yanchen's chocolate brown eyes had tracked his tongue's movements.

"What?" He questioned, leaning into Yanchen's side and following every cliche he'd ever known, "Do I have something on my face?" 

"Yeah, actually" Yanchen half heartedly reached out, one finger extended towards his face, "Right there."

"Here?" Yanjun asked, deliberately missing the spot and licking just below it. 

"No, like a little more up." Yanchen frowned at him. 

"Here." Yanjun stated, eyebrows furrowed as he maintained eye contact while tilting his chin down, brown bangs floofed to the side. 

"Tch-" Yanchen seemed to struggled with his words while Yanjun tried not to giggle, "You just barely keep missing it, can you not feel it?" 

"Nope." Yanjun popped the P as he said it in English and flicked his eyes downwards to their now touching shoulders. When had they gotten that close? 

Yanchen loudly exhaled, and brought his dangling hand up to Yanjun's face. Gently he felt the other's callouses on his finger tips grip his jaw and push his head upwards, Yanchen's thumb wiped away the leftover bit of syrup and lingered there. It seemed like he didn't seem to know what to do now that he was actually touching him, all the while maintaining eye contact with Yanjun. Luckily Yanjun felt the true and good message of Chaoze flood through him. Carpe Vir - seize the man. Quickly his tongue darted out and licked the syrup off of Yanchen's thumb, it had a hint of soap that made the whole thing less sexy and more gross, and smiled at him. 

"Thanks, didi" He smirked, hoping Yanchen wouldn't get grossed out at him and instead get grossed into him. 'Heh, good one Yanjun' After giving himself a mental high five for that, he noticed Yanchen still hadn't moved, "You good in there?" 

Zhengting draped himself over the still motionless Yanchen, and pulled his hand off of Yanjun's face, "He's fine and so are you. Congrats on winning Top Visual." 

"Ah, thank you", Yanjun was pleased, Zhengting was one of the most talented trainees so a compliment from him meant a lot. "You're very pretty too."

Zhengting made a happy sound in his throat, grin broadening he rested his chin on Yanchen's shoulder. "See Yanchen? He said pretty, not cute. I'm finally escaping that concept."

Yanchen finally seemed to reanimate and turned his head to face Zhengting, "I don't know Jungjung~ you still seem pretty cute to me." 

Zhengting scoffed and shoved inadvertently Yanchen into Yanjun, "Says the person who's held his boy's hand all of breakfast." 

Yanjun, frankly feeling a little ignored, shook his head to clear out the maybe jealous thoughts, and put it on Yanchen's shoulder. "It won't just end at breakfast, it'll be all day." 

Zhengting chuckled and patted Yanchen's other shoulder, "Careful ge, once This octopus has his hands on you, he'll trap you for more than a day. Trust me." 

"You wish" Yanchen huffed, gently resting his head atop of Yanjun's, "Don't you have children to watch?" 

As if on cue, a horrific scream arose from the YueHua table. Several voices rang out crying for Mom, Something about thievery and betrayal amongst brothers. Zhengting rolled his eyes, mouthed "this isn't over", and went to deal with his family's special brand of bullshit. 

\--

Yanchen waved goodbye at him and lifted his head back up to properly look at Yanjun. The brunette's lips were tugged into a lazy grin, dimples slightly displaying on his uncovered cheek, adorable. He mentally scolded himself for being so soft, 'get a grip'. They needed to talk about their day, even if they had it off they should be doing something and Nongnong had already left the table without saying goodbye. Yanchen felt bad about not even noticing but to be fair, the pretty man currently snuggling his side was very distracting. 

"Ah..." He started, not sure how to continue now that Yanjun had turned enough to meet his eyes, "What do you want to do now...?"

Yanjun's breath lightly caressed his lips, warmth slowly coated his cheeks as the older male blinked and took his sweet time to respond. "We don't have anything to do really, unless you haven't already filmed that... interview... with Fanfan?" 

"Oh, the prank?" Yanchen questioned, pulling away from the attractive boy on his shoulder so he could actually think straight. 'Heh' He couldn't remember anything he had scheduled for today, not counting the unfortunate lunch he was scheduled to have with Xingjie and Xiao Gui later on. "Nah, I already did it. How'd you react?" 

"Oh..." Yanjun bit at his lips, "I tried to calm down the mic man without success while Nongnong figured it out from discrepancies in WeChat mechanics." 

"It's okay, I acted like an idiot the entire time." Yanchen soothed, slightly bumping Yanjun's surprisingly warm shoulder, "C'mon let's go practice."

"Practice what?" Yanjun asked as he pulled away to stand up from the bench, "The only thing we have to do today is wait for eliminations, right?" 

"That may be so", Yanchen stood up as well, slightly overshadowing the other boy, "But we can go over basics and stretch?"

"Alright" Yanjun shrugged and readjusted his slightly sweaty grip on his hand, "You can drill me later, okay?" 

It took Yanchen a second, but he quickly squawked and flicked Yanjun's forehead, "Don't be greasy!" 

The older man cracked up at his reaction. Evilly Yanjun hummed in response and tugged Yanchen towards the practice room, and away from the stares of the other trainees that he could now notice on their backs. 

\-- 

 

Yanjun sat on the wooden floors of Practice Room B, his long legs stretched out in his widest second and only a little bit in pain. His sweaty body felt almost a little too warm in the white sweater Skechers had provided for them to wear, but he'd already taken off the red flannel he always wore under it and he had nothing else to change into. Sweat stuck his bangs to his forehead and Yanjun desperately wished for the head band he'd left back in the dorms. The stretch was a good burn in his hamstrings, and with one of his elbows on the ground he could almost ignore Yanchen on his right. Almost, because they were still holding hands. And the fact he fucking couldn't because Yanchen was Yanchen and could apparently do a middle split without prep. Honestly why even be proud of being Top Visual when that was just about the hottest thing ever? 

Flicking his eyes back to the mirror where they were supposed to be focused on, he continued to press his upper body down to the ground. Keeping his head up while stretching wasn't the best form but it was better than keeping his head down and being tempted to look at Yanchen from the side. Yanjun maintained eye contact with himself as the bottom of his chin touched the floor for the first time this week, his flexibility came in like moon cycles, perfectly rounded and predictable when he skipped his stretching and right now it was waning. This was terrible form, his back was completely arched but he couldn't do it with a straight back, no yet. It was to be expected though, Codename Contra hadn't been a hard dance and there was Zero of it that required floor work. Grunting, his eyes closed in concentration. Chaoze had been insufferable lately, daring him to do splits and rolls that he couldn't do without hurting himself and therefore had been forced to forfeit. Too many body shots had been done in Dinghao's room as a result and he was determined to put a stop to that shit. Even if the slight pulse in his right leg told him to slow down, he kept pushing. Just a little more he mouthed, breath shaky with pain and the anticipation of finally earning back something he'd been able to do less than a month ago. 

"Yanjun..." Yanchen warned, a pale hand on his thigh searing through his sweats and embarrassingly quickly he stilled. His other hand tightened on Yanjun's, the grip almost grounding. The younger boy had squatted next to him, pulling out of his stretch when the elder's muffled, pained noises reached his ears, "Don't over do it." 

"I'm not." He muttered under his breath, looking even further away from the beautiful man touching him. With brown eyes cast downwards, Yanjun reluctantly propped his body up by his palm, gathered his courage to look, and swung his head to discover that Yanchen was much closer than he previously though. Every single black lash fanned out from a tilled earth colored eye, framed by squishy fair cheeks and crinkles created by his smile; he could see every detail on that man's face, feel warm breath ghost over his chin. Yanjun's mouth opened, but no sound came out. He swore what he exhaled tasted faintly sweet. 

"You sure?" Yanchen questioned, head tilting to one side bringing the bottom of his profile even closer to Yanjun's as a singular dark brown arched perfectly. The hand on his thigh moved ever so slowly in what he assumed What probably supposed to be soothing but it honestly spiked his heart rate up a little too much. What was with him? This shouldn't shake him so much, he'd touched Dinghao more during Truth or Dare four nights ago. Mere hours before this all Yanchen had been was a pretty boy he needed to ignore, and now he was a very pretty boy, sitting very close to Yanjun, who was touching him!

"Just fine..." He choked out, his chest felt like it was clamped with a force he hadn't experienced in a while. His singular hand was splayed flat on the hard ground beneath him, supporting all of his weight, it ached dully and he felt minuscule tremors skitter up his left arm and down his spine. Yanchen's breath smelled slightly sweet too, like red flavored Nongfu Spring Vitamin Water, as it gently coasted across his lips and chin. 

Yanchen hummed, intense stare being broken as he moved his hand from Yanjun's thigh to sweep once or twice, up and down his elbow. The small amount of hair the staff hadn't waxed off of them stood at attention with every soft stroke, and goosebumps broke out across his entire body; raised bumps of Braille that read "Kiss Me". Yanchen looked back up at him, thumb smoothing the inside of his elbow right over the vein, "You're shaking."

Yanjun's eyes widened at both the carelessness of thoughts  
he'd just had and the soft tenor of Yanchen's voice. He hadn't considered anything to end up the way it was this morning, and what was racing through his head was definitely not rated G. 

\--

Yanchen didn't really know what he was doing right now. He was still squatting in front of him, slightly to the right, with the other male remaining in his stretching position. One hand was grasping Yanjun's elbow, feeling the older man's pulse speed up every time he leaned unconsciously closer. The other still held his hand, which was only a little sweaty, and without notice Yanchen tightened his fingers in between the elder's. Yanjun's eyes were blown out, almost comically large brown discs encircled poppy seed pupils, as he stared directly into Yanchen's soul. Scarlet red lips semi glistened with the warm breath that intermingled with his own, it smelled kind of like older sugar. 

"Can I..." He began, while his head spun dizzy with the buffet of temptation that had been bestowed unto his hands. His knees burned with exhaustion, and he was sure this wasn't comfortable for Yanjun either. Although he didn't know what he wanted, Yanchen would take what he gave him and run with it. 

"Y-", The second the elder made an affirmative sound, his hand moved from his elbow and to the back of his head. A second beat passed, his knees finally touched the ground between Yanjun's legs as he pulled himself forward. In the third second, their lips crushed together with his urgency, teeth clacking painfully, and Yanchen hissed. Tilting his head to the right, soft skin felt like perfect mochi underneath his front teeth as he drew in Yanjun's bottom lip. Sucking it into his mouth, he ran his tongue alongside its swell. The shaky exhale from the elder encouraged him, Yanchen slowly pushed Yanjun's back to the ground, feeling the other man's knees block him in as he laid on top of him. The tip of his tongue traced the seam of his ruby red lips, begging for access, as he pulled on the elder's dark locks. The gasp that Yanjun expelled gave him enough to slide his tongue the other's, though the low sound he let out when Yanjun sucked his made them equal. Breaking apart to desperately breathe, their foreheads touched briefly for a moment before he mouthed his way along Yanjun's jaw. His tongue tasted salty sweat as he sucked on that little hollow under his ear, ripping the loudest keen he'd gotten from Yanjun yet. 

\--

"Are those hickeys?" Chaoze inquired, pushing up glasses that Yanjun had previously thought were just decorative, up his nose to get a better look. He'd been trying to quietly renter his dorm in one piece after what was probably the most awkward lunch in his life and subsequent make-up make out sesh that salvaged his friendship with Yanchen. It wasn't like the time he'd spent in the practice room today was wasted on checking himself out, contrary to popular belief he could stand to appreciate himself less if he had more important things to do. 

"Maybe..." Yanjun trailed off, leaving a squawking Chaoze behind to go investigate his reflection in the bathroom. And- holy shit. He gasped, mouth falling open, his throat looked like Yanchen has been writing in Braille with his teeth. 

"Woah woah, Yanjun has a girlfriend!!" Zhangjing grinned at Him, the older boy had just gotten back despite it being an odd day he'd kept busy. The Malaysian man dropped his head on Yanjun's shoulder as he was the perfect height to do so, and examined the purple and pink markings on his skin. 

"I do /not/ have a girlfriend!" Yanjun hissed, smacking his friend for good measure but also giving him payback for abandoning him this morning. 

"Alright sure, buddy." Zhangjing's ever present smile was reborn as he jabbed s finger into his ribs, but then he almost got quieter in a way, murmuring "Yanchen really did a number on you, didn't he?" 

Yanjun snorted at the word choice of his best, saying "He did more than just numbers if you knew what I mean?" he winked at Zhangjing's reflection. 

"...you had SEX in a dance room?" Zhangjing yelped, shock evident on his features as he stepped back. 

"YOU HAD SEX?" Chaoze exclaimed, choosing the thing most important for his perspective, his voice echoing through through the crack of a still open door. Out in the hallway, you could hear someone drop something in shock. 

"NO!" Yanjun yelled back, just a tad annoyed that his recent rendezvous was ruined with Chaoze's complete lack of volume control. 

 

With that he exited the bathroom to berate Chaoze for not being quiet, not noticing that it took a minute for Zhangjing to come out after him, eyes oddly pink. And if he did notice, the rims that matched his sweater, Yanjun promised himself to follow up on his best later that night. 

And what truly made it the worst day ever for both of them, is that he forgot to ask.


	3. Kiss It Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lin Yanjun is a clueless bitch ft. Zhangjing my soft ace boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Otherwise known as I figured out my shit and that hug during the finale made me incredibly soft.

It was the night before eliminations, and their dorm room was cleaner than it had been in weeks. Unspoken but thought by all, was how some of their roommates might leave them soon. Yanjun wasn't exactly worried, after all the onsite fans had liked him plenty. It really was that those extra 10,000 votes put him in a really low slot that got him pacing the bathroom at 10:00 pm. Honestly he told himself, there's no way you couldn't make Top Sixty, you got voted Top Visual! That must have earned him some extra screen time, right? Yet still the doubts curled along his shoulders, settled there like Justice's scales, and whispered how he wasn't worthy, that being born with bright eyes and clear skin shouldn't put him above a better rapper. Squeezing his eyes shut, Yanjun shook his wet hair like a dog, hoping to flick away these sudden insecurities like the water on his strands. 

"Yanjun...." Zhangjing crooned from the other side of the locked door, door knob twisting helplessly, "It's been an hour already... and I want to get to dream Hai Di Lao as fast as possible." 

Huffing out a laugh, the fully dressed man padded over to the opening from the counter and wrenched the stubborn door open. Immediately he was assaulted with the sight of an almost half-naked Zhangjing, a giant fluffy robe being the only thing he was wearing, the area of his chest completely on display. Ignoring the way his heart suddenly increased its speed, he leaned over to pull his best friend into a one sided hug, joking, "Did you miss me? Or do you just really want to eat dream hot pot?" 

"Both!" Zhangjing giggled, the smaller male wrapping his arm around Yanjun's torso. Doe eyes peered up at him, a sprinkling of seriousness prevented the moment from being completely happy. "I didn't get to see you much yesterday..." 

"Awww, do you want to cuddle?" Yanjun teased lightheartedly, they usually slept together most nights out of the week, last night being a rare exception. He wouldn't admit it until he was snuggling Zhangjing but he'd missed the other boy's warmth. 

"Shut up." Zhangjing warned, pulling away from him and pushing him out into the dorm path. Just before the door slammed shut, "Don't you dare fall asleep in the five minutes that this will take." 

"Never" Yangjun gasped, throwing his head back in laughter as he made his way over to Zhangjing's bunk. While they didn't always sleep in the Malaysian's bed, he liked being surrounded by the smell of his best friend, it made him feel at home. Breaking routine to carefully stow away his bathing things in his suitcase, could never be too sure of his place now could he, Yanjun brushed his hands over the mint green of the sweater he'd been given when he entered D-rank. 

Never be too sure he reminded himself, the fall from self-expected A to D still stung. Quietly, so as not to disturb the messy pile of things Chaoze swore was organized chaos, he leaned over to Zhangjing's bottom bunk. Letting out an Oof of air as his chest made impact on the soft bed sheets, he curled up happily into a fetal position, burying his head under the covers. 

His body remained on top of them though, Zhangjing's bed habits really weren't to be trifled with. His pjs consisted of a tie dye shirt from a Trainee-18 music video and duck pj pants from Zhangjing, they were both soft from being washed too many times and felt like the richest silk to him at that moment. 

"Lin Yanjun!" Zhangjing scolded, tiny feet making little slap slap noises as he bounded over to him. 

"Xiao You!" He whooped back, eyes slipping closed. 

"You said you wouldn't fall asleep!" Zhangjing rolled over him so he could be closest to the wall, "Scoot!" 

"Nu uh..." Yanjun smiled, Zhangjing was still pitifully short, and the shower had warmed his friend's skin perfectly. Finally able to crawl underneath the covers, he squirmed his body under Zhangjing's. The elder's head rested comfortably on his shoulder now. "You said we could cuddle."

Grumbling, Zhangjing rolled over so that some of his front sprawled across Yanjun's body, one arm crossed his entire chest and laid on the opposite shoulder from his head. Soft brown locks gently tickled the Column of his throat. Warm breath fanned over the jut of his collar bones, lips still wet from his tooth brush gently rested on his skin. Resisting the sudden urge the gulp, Yanjun's hand gently set itself atop of his best friend's upper back and with utmost care he made small, sweeping motions. 

"Do they hurt?" Zhangjing's voice broke the silence that had poured into the room, though it was filled with an emotion that he couldn't identify. The hand that'd been curled along his shoulder dragged itself along the curve and settled at the base of his neck. A long finger prodded one of the hickies Yanchen had left. 

"Yeah, they feel like someone stabbed my neck repeatedly with a pen." Yanjun couldn't help himself, his feelings were all muddled up and his best friend was all of a sudden too beautiful and too kind and too close to him for the sake of his health. The joke was needed so he could take a breath to clear his head. Warmth felt like it coated every bone in his body, he'd been dunked into a tank full of soft, sleepy love. Their proximity was suffocating him in the odd heaviness that'd been created the moment Zhangjing had touched him, it was hard to breathe like he was holding his breath in anticipation of the unknown. 

"Hmm..." Zhangjing hummed, and Yanjun could feel him move his head closer to him. The slightly cold tip of his nose poked him and almost made him giggle, yet something about his best friend's movement sobered him. His entire body stilled as soft lips lightly brushed over his skin, their owner hesitating for a second. Decision made, warm lips pressed caring kisses onto the bruises on his throat, slowly like dripping honey and just as sweet. At first they were only on the right side, as Zhangjing seemingly found more and more, the elder pulled more of his body onto Yanjun's. Pale elbows poked out of worn in pajamas on either side of Yanjun's shoulders, the weight on his chest strained his breathing. Swallowing, he could feel the elder's stare burn into his Adam apple at the movement, at the bite mark he knew was currently marring the skin there. After the longest pause, Zhangjing continued onto the left side and while Yanjun wasn't stiff as a nail, he couldn't help but tense at the thought of breaking this comfortable silence. Finally, the elder seemed finished, but before he pulled away, the quickest flick of tongue on his skin during the last peck on his Adam's apple. 

"...kiss it better..." Zhangjing murmured, looking up at him through his black lashes. Yanjun looked at his best friend in quiet astonishment, and noticing Zhangjing's growing anxiety over the fact he'd done nothing. Hopefully he didn't think it would break the friendship, so he raised one hand up to Zhangjing's face. 

"Okay" He whispered, the soft and clear skin a perfect pillow for his palm. How unfair that his best friend was this beautiful without makeup, large brown eyes literally sparkling, straight bunny teeth, and now that they'd been touching his skin, lips soft without the aid of lip balm. His heart thumped painfully in his chest, like a drum beat in a truly good song that made its rhythm felt throughout his whole being. This feeling, felt both new and exciting, yet comfortably old like finding an item long lost in your home. Yanjun breathed out , "Okay, I- Thank you." 

Zhangjing nodded, his chin pressing the younger's thumb down. Something was off with him, but Yanjun couldn't figure out what it was as he was already so confused himself. 

"Good night." 

Zhangjing slid back to his position at his side, with his face remaining untucked. Yanjun tracked the movement with his head, noticing the slight furrow between his dark brows. Was... Zhangjing upset about something? 

"Yeah", he said, still a little dazed. Moving with only the thought of comforting his friend, Yanjun leaned down and pressed his lips to the spot where his skin had crinkled, smoothing it. Then he paused, eyes closed without him noticing and whispered, "Goodnight." 

He leaned back and tried to sort out what ever was wrong with him. 

\--

Zhangjing watched as his best friend rested his head back on his pillow, bangs so overgrown they intermingled with his black eyelashes. Quiet breaths exhumed themselves from his straight nose, though he didn't know how he could fall asleep after what'd just happened. Lin Yanjun was his closest friend here, and his crush for the past two years. 

He couldn't even remember when he fell for him, just like a kaleidoscope twirls images to the eye, his feelings for his friend has twisted and morphed into something treasured and beautiful to him. Maybe it was after he'd come out to him, and been laughed off for making it so serious, the reason being Yanjun would love him for whoever he was, always. Maybe it was when he'd caught Yanjun openly flirting with anything that walked, complained, and become the main recipient of every pick up line. Maybe it was before this competition, the weeks they'd spent preparing their audition, moon lit studio floors making him feel like he was in the Tsar's palace when Yanjun had looked at him like he was a nymph born from the sea in a painting as he sang his high note. Perhaps the hours they'd spent together had changed him, solidified into something permanent in his heart that made him feel born of the heavens and pierced him sharp as a thorn when he saw the bruises Yanchen left. 

He really hadn't meant to cry, but suddenly feelings of inadequacy had swept his feet out from under him. He'd known of course that Lin Yanjun wasn't a virgin by any means, and honestly neither was he. But the possibility that playboy image that was built around his friend was real was terrifying. After all if Yanjun only liked to use boys and girls for what they could give him, how was Zhangjing supposed to compete with that? Even if his friend liked him back, how could he keep him if he couldn't give him what he wanted?

Yanjun isn't like that he had told himself, and get a grip because if he was, Zhangjing had better move on. Never again would he make himself uncomfortable for something someone else wanted. He'd stepped out the bathroom, forgetting to wait until his under eyes couldn't expose him for crying like an idiot. He'd felt Yanjun's eyes land on them, but nothing was said of it. Whether it came as a relief or disappointment that he didn't need to lie, he'd never know. That night he'd slept alone in more ways than one. 

Now though? He had no fucking clue why he just did why he did. The ugly purple and pinks marring the tan column of Yanjun's throat hadn't let him rest, they'd been on his mind all day, and right in front of eyes before he went to bed. The urge to chase away the tight feeling in his chest had been too much, hoping to swipe away the bruises like pigment in watercolor. His question had been mostly honest, he'd had hickies before, but Yanjun hadn't had the irregular marks of suction. He had half moon imprints of Yanchen's bright white teeth on his skin. And so without much thought, only a thing reverence for a childhood tradition long left in the dust, he'd leaned forward and pressed his lips to the skin he'd ached for. 

When Yanjun hadn't reacted he just continued, past the original mark that been bothering him, and all over the right side. Like a constellation map of sin, the entire right side was like the Big Dipper, the handle's edge ending behind his ear, and the bowl overfilling almost underneath his shirt collar. The farther he'd gone down, the stiller Yanjun had grown, and yet with his chin digging into his chest and his arms spontaneously supporting him above his friend, he'd looked up at the perfect moment. His adam's apple, with a single mark, had bobbed distractingly up and down, and Zhangjing was gone. 

After he'd accidentally tasted the heated skin beneath him, he'd pulled back and Yanjun had done nothing. Regret washed over him in waves as he visualized their friendship breaking like the imfamous Titanic in its waters. But a gentle hand cupping his cheek and brown eyes gazing in wonder had made it all worth it. And the kiss? A moment so sweet he swore it gave him cavities had made it even more worth it still. 

He hadn't confessed, nothing had been said, but Zhangjing finally fell asleep that night safe with the comforting knowledge that maybe, just maybe he had a chance.


	4. Zhengting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zhu Zhengting is jealous without knowing why he's jealous. 
> 
> And Zhangjing's love knows no bounds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I need to change the rating on this now... fuck
> 
> I really didn't mean for it to end the way it did, I was listening to <> for the soft parts and it really helped. 
> 
> Also lol why can I only write sin that happens in the practice rooms???

Eliminations had taken more people than Yanjun had thought possible. Over half of the people their company had brought in were now set to leave, bags already packed and fearful goodbyes on their lips. It was shocking, icy water coating your skin, freezing you from the outside unexpectedly, shocking. He'd been right, there was nothing to worry about, his rank was fine where it was for this cut. He could even make the top 35 if nothing changed, but then again only if nothing changed. 

All these thoughts raced through his head absentmindedly as Yanjun focused on not crying, to look stronger for his fans and his label mates. He stared straight ahead, out above those poor souls that'd been let down by fate and across a sea of cameras praying for a reaction. If Mount Olympus was home to the gods, he mused, then the myths never covered how much it hurt to leave the mortals down below. Quietly he chided himself for wasting time on such melodramatic introspection when he could have been paying attention to what Zhang PD was saying. 

As fortune would have it, the minute his mocha pigmented eyes finally snapped back into focus, the speech had ended. Of course that didn't mean the cameras turned off, but it did mean he could go hide in a filmer's blind spot. Awkwardly shuffling to hug his label mates, his competitor image never before feeling so cheap and embarrassing as so many members promised their love, memory, and most importantly: Their Vote. 

He wasn't like Zhangjing, who cried so easily with those that trained with him. Chaoze had been correct when he'd said Zhangjing took people under his wing, though he wasn't quite sure he agreed that Chaoze had been one of Zhangjing's babies. 

No, he preferred to cry alone, on the sidelines. He hated people watching him sob like a child into his palms, even though he knew it was a normal thing to do when you were sad he couldn't help, but feel embarrassed about it. When Yanjun cried, his face curled into itself like a capital C. Lips pulled in as he struggled to breath and his forehead creased, his tears always shined like quicksilver atop his cheeks. The strong bright lights highlighted the wet tracks, carved the reflect like waterfalls on a cold mountain under a moon lit sky. 

He hated this, at the start of the competition he had promised himself to not get close with any one. His personality couldn't let him compete against people he thought of as his friends, and having people he cared about get eliminated would hurt him deeply. Yet here he was, only friendly with a few and already sobbing. God he just couldn't keep it together. 

"Hey..." A voice sounded behind him, a warm hand roughly rubbed his back in encouragement, "Don't cry. Aren't you supposed to be Cold Yanjun?" 

He turned around and standing beside him was Zhu Zhengting, brown hair probably mussed up from his YueHua children. A small and concerned smile adorned the man's lips as he slightly looked down on him. 

Sniffling Yanjun attempted to tape back together the pathetic self control he had lost, rapidly blinking he said, "Yeah... I am." 

Zhengting stepped forward and pulled him into a side-hug, "That's the spirit! Hey, don't worry. It's normal to cry at eliminations."

Yanjun contemplated grumbling at Zhengting to let go, but he made the executive decision to be kind to himself and let himself embrace the younger man. Attempting to lighten the mood he looked down as he joked, "Speaking from experience?"

"Aish Yanjun, don't be so mean", Yanchen's familiar tones fell from his right, the raven haired man appearing with his smile only slightly off set by left over tear tracks, "Zhengting can't handle such cold." 

Yanjun looked up at his friend (with? benefits?) from Zhengting's arms as he got hugged even tighter by the brunette. Now both toned arms were wrapped around him, one on his waist, the other curved around his shoulders. The dancer's cheek landed on the top of his head a minute later, makeup rubbed against his bangs as he remarked, "Cold? He feels pretty warm to me."

"Hmm..." Yanchen blinked at the other's actions for a second, seemingly thinking over what to do. Abruptly he walked forward and rested one hand on Yanjun's cheek, thumb stroking over his cheekbone, "Huh. Guess he is warm."

What the fuck thought Yanjun, he knew things between him and Yanchen definitely veered off the course of normal friendship, but this was getting excessive. The cameras weren't even turned off yet, just facing away. Pink was blooming across his tan cheeks, he could feel his face slowly light on fire from the contact he was getting from both males. This was weird, the entire moment had become charged the minute Yanchen had approached them. He inhaled through his nose, attempting to clear his thoughts and get away from the spell the pair had put him under. Slowly he tried to extract his body from Zhengting's grasp, but before he could the younger man said something. 

"But you already knew that." Zhengting sniffed, somehow sounding derisive, closed off, yet angry at the same time. His hold on Yanjun tightened, almost pulling his face away from Yanchen. 

"Yeah, I did." Yanchen stepped impossibly closer, his voice sounded velvety soft, yet an undercurrent of sharpness made the tone dangerous. The set of his shoulders now boxed Yanjun in between them as his hand slinked down from his cheek to his neck, fingers brushing over the sets of hickeys concealed by makeup. 

Yanjun flicked his eyes between the duo, cursing both of them for being taller than him. This was getting more and more awkward by the second, everything made worse by the fact Yanchen had pushed hard enough at his skin to rub off the concealer he'd put there, exposing the bruised skin to Zhengting. Something was going on with them that he didn't know about, and he regretted ever letting him hug him if this was how it turned out. He swallowed nervously, the subtle movement enough to capture Zhengting's attention to his throat. 

He watched in slow motion as Zhengting's mouth descended to say something, but what it was, he'd never find out. Because at that exact second, he was saved. 

"Yanjun?" You Zhangjing, his best friend with the voice of an ~angle~, walked towards the trio. Chocolate brown eyes roving over the scene before him, friendly smile dampered with nervousness. "What's going on here?"

"Just comforting-"  
"Nothin-" 

Both Zhengting and Yanchen spoke at the same time, but Yanchen simply raised his dark brows at the other and let him continue. 

"Just being poor sub ins until you could get here." Zhengting replied as he released Yanjun and stepped backwards. The dancer's smile seemed odd to Yanjun as he trailed his hand down his arm, and gently squeezed his hand. "See you around." 

The new trio stared as the YueHua member walked back to his family, his gait slow and purposeful. 

"Well", Yanchen startled both Bananas by clapping his hands together, his expression was strained with an unknown emotion. "I'll get going too. Nice seeing you Zhangjing..."

The raven haired man walked in the opposite direction from Zhengting, despite both of their company trainees being in the same area. Yanjun blinked as both men finally left, his senses returning from where ever they had decided to fuck of to. He turned to his best friend, who seemed a little miffed. The shorter man pursed his lips as he glared off into the direction they had walked in. 

Yanjun smiled at Zhangjing, glad to have someone near him without wanting to combust. He turned back to him and pulled his hand into his from his side. Zhangjing's eyes jumped to Yanjun at his action, he seemed shocked before he loudly exhaled and smiled at him. Scratch that Yanjun thought as light almost glowed off of his best friend's cheeks, gentle love radiating from the elder like a furnace, /now/ I want to combust. 

Their shoulders were brushing against each others' slightly, Yanjun couldn't help himself as he leaned forward with his unoccupied hand and pinched one of Zhangjing's cheeks. He just looked too cute, which was a totally normal, no homo thing to think about your best friend mind you. He had thoughts like that all the time even before Zhangjing had kissed him so you could take your suspicions about his feelings and fuck off. Yanjun didn't know who he was defending himself against, but the mental snark calmed his nerves a little. 

Zhangjing's content expression slipped right off his face when he did that though, glaring up at him, the shorter man reached up and lightly hit his shoulder. Laughing Yanjun regretted nothing, and together they started walking back to their dorms. 

\-- 

They'd been halfway through the courtyard, dead leaves swirling with the breeze around their feet as moonlight painted the scene silver. The dark sky seemed to have muted all sounds, all signs of the other trainees extinguished under darkness that cocooned itself around them. Quiet stretched itself out, like a lazy cat and wound itself in and out between them. Zhangjing still held Yanjun's hand, a comforting warmth and softness in a tranquil silence broken only by their breathing. 

The oversized black parkas every trainee had been given provided enough warmth that he didn't need to lean into the taller man's side. The fact that he did so was because he wanted to. What ever game Zhengting and Yanchen were playing, their unsolved sexual tension had been palpable when he'd come across Yanjun squished in between them. He'd hated seeing him like that, so small compared to their unnatural height and odd dominance over the situation. The visible relief in his best friend's eyes had frustrated him like nothing else. 

Zhangjing knew Yanjun preferred to be alone when he cried, why else would he leave his crush to be sad by himself? Fucking Zhengting swooping in at the one incident where Yanjun actually accepted a hug while upset was just pure luck! Nothing else! And Yanchen, rubbing it in that he'd marked up Yanjun, just to prove something to Zhengting! He knew logically that jealousy was making his mind irrationally angry at the other two boys, but the ugly part of him that he tried to hide deep inside still whispered. The only time he couldn't ignore it was always when Yanjun was involved, the "cold" personality he showcased was all a front for a very soft and sweet personality. Zhangjing had no right to Yanjun's heart, but he wanted to protect him from heart break anyways. 

He honestly hoped that whatever happened between him and the other boys worked out well. He may love Yanjun, but his happiness counted above all, even if it would hurt him. Resolution made, he turned his attention back to the man walking beside him. His brown hair's flyaways twisted above his head in the wind, a soft smile on his pink lips as he stared out at the quad. Zhangjing felt his heart skip a beat, as Yanjun looked back at him. Soft brown eyes cutely crinkled as his smile widened, the younger man stopped walking and waited for him to catch up. As the starlight captured the beauty before them, the pair stared at each other in a moment of peace and love. 

\--

Yanjun gazed down at his best friend, his eyes were warm like the chocolate he loved so much, the curve of his smile as gentle as his voice during <>. Although darkness dampened his ability to see Zhangjing he knew the other was looking back directly at him. Their hands were still intertwined, the top of his freezing due to wind while his palm burned from the elder's body heat. But he wanted to be closer, to feel the hot exhales of breath that created white vapor dissipate onto his skin. 

And so, almost without his knowledge, he fulfilled that desire. Closer and closer, he reached out and delicately brushed a lock of light brown hair behind Zhangjing's ear. His hair being messy was his excuse for touching him. The same hand glided to a stop at the base of his best friend's neck, fingers curling around it. His hands were cold was his excuse for touching him. Closer and closer, their foreheads were now touching, the other's hand gripped onto the front of his unzipped jacket. Yanjun's nose gently booped his ge's, they breathed the same air. Slowly his gaze dropped from his eyes and fell onto his bitten-at lips, slightly chapped from the winter and colored by the cold. Just a quick... he leaned in even closer and felt his eyes go half lidded, this felt right. It felt like coming home after a long day's practice, tiredness seeped into his bones. He just wanted to know was his exc- he- he had no excuse for this. 

What am I doing Yanjun thought, he's my best friend! WHAT AM I DOING?! Suddenly his movements screeched to a halt, lips a hairsbreadth away from touching Zhangjing's. He blinked, inhaled, a slight frown pulled his brows down at what he'd almost done, what he'd almost ruined. And for what? Because his best friend had looked beautiful? Because the love he'd always felt for him had unexpectedly felt like more, for a few seconds? Because he hadn't moved away the entire time, indicating that maybe he wanted it too? No, he thought, he hadn't moved away because Zhangjing probably thought he was going to pull a joke or something. Which he was, totally, he'd just been... doing... something... yeah. 

Swallowing he pulled away from his best friend, and stepped back. Whatever that was... he needed to get a handle on himself before he scared away his best friend away forever. And so, completely ignoring what he'd just done, Yanjun started walking again. His movements tugged a still frozen Zhangjing out of his daze, almost making the smaller man stumble. The brunette kept walking ahead of him, chilled fingers coming up to lightly caress his lips, wondering what it would've felt like if he'd followed through. 

The stars above them twinkled and shined as a single one shot across the sky, a single wish was placed upon it, shared by both of them. The heavens and galaxies swirled as their fates intermingled, dissapointment cloaking both of their movements though neither bothered to look at each other. They were both too busy looking up and wishing that the other would look at them, that they never noticed when they did. 

\--

The next morning, Zhengting spent his short break wandering the corridor as Chaoze was busy teaching Li Xikan the dance for <>. The younger man had given him a task, to go find Lin Yanjun and give him back this small bag. Although Chaoze had also told him not to look through it, he'd been too curious not to. What he found was slightly surprising, if only because he didn't think Yanjun would need multiple bottles of concealer, setting spray, powder, and color corrector pots. 

Zhangting frowned, his inner mom coming out as he wondered if his gege's dark circles were so bad that he hid them BEFORE the show's official makeup artist got to him. Why wasn't the elder sleeping enough? Did he have nightmares? Or worse, was he not sleeping because of practice??? Surely he knew the number one rule of being a trainee, the number of nights of sleep you missed equaled the number of sheet masks you had to use to hid the effects? What if he did, and had run out of sheet masks? Zhengting stopped in his tracks, considering how long it would take him to run to the dorms and get some of his extras. Before his worried mind could make up a decision, the opening notes of <> floated out from under the practice room next to him. Ah yes, this was where one of his sons, Zeren, was currently practicing maybe he should go say hi... wait. This was also the song that Yanchen had picked, Yanchen the confusing bitch, Yanchen the man who'd flirted with him during all of PPAP and then stopped. Yanchen who'd-

Yanchen who'd exposed hickeys on Yanjun's neck the day before. Hickeys he hadn't really thought about since, but since Yanchen had been weirdly holding Yanjun's hand every time he'd seen him that one day, there really was only one person they could have come from. Although he didn't know if they were dating or not, considering the way Yanjun had reacted to them touching him, he could assume not. But Yanchen also hadn't corrected him that day when he'd been oh so kindly eating breakfast with him instead of his children, when he'd called Yanjun his "boy". So what was with that? What was with Yanchen smiling at him, but feeding Yanjun food and snuggling him while Zhengting was right there??? 

All these thoughts and more raced through his increasingly distracted mind as he stood stock still in the middle of the hallway. An unattractive crease formed between his eyebrows as he rested his chin in between his fingers, deep in thought. Suddenly a door in front of him opened, the very man he'd been thinking about stepped through. 

Lin Yanjun gave him a grin as he raised his arm in a small wave, before turning on his heel and walking away. Zhengting had smiled back, still distracted by his thoughts, before remembering he still needed to actually give him his bag back. Shit! He thought body snapping back to action as he ran down the hallway. 

Now as he stood in the stairwell, he couldn't actually find Yanjun. The brunette had actually disappeared into thin air! He checked a wall clock as he ran past it, he'd already been gone for so long too! Skidding to a stop he jumped into the elevator and faced a huge dilemma, which floor would Yanjun had gone to? Or what if he hadn't even taken the elevator at all?? Fuck it he thought, and slammed the one for the ground floor. If he couldn't find him, he'd lie and face the wrath of Chaoze. Which he considered as the elevator descended, shouldn't be that scary since he was younger than him. Yet, as the doors pinged open he still surged forward, the tan little superman was still a scary person, order of relationships be damned. 

"Ow..." Yanjun groaned, rubbing his head where they'd collided in Zhengting's rush to get out, "What's the rush didi?" 

"Ge!" Zhengting exclaimed, ignoring the throbbing pain in his head for the relief to the cause of all of his panic. He leapt and hugged Yanjun around the middle, picking him up and spinning him. "I'm so glad I found you!"

"Ah..." Yanjun was clearly blushing a little as he hesitantly rested his hands atop of Zhengting's shoulders, mumbling, "You can put me down now."

"Sorry, sorry!" He responded, setting the elder back down on the floor and shoving the bag into his hands, "This is from Chaoze."

"Oh." Yanjun blinked as he carefully grasped the item, unspoken question obvious in his voice, "Thank you..?"

"I was bored and Xikan looks like a pervert when he smiles." Zhengting explains while also knowing he's just confusing the older man more, "C'mon let's head back."

"...Sure" Yanjun replied, confusion still evident in his face but following Zhengting into the elevator anyways. The pair waited as the doors closed, before he said anything else, "Do you know what this is?"

"Um..." Zhengting didn't really know how to say this, he didn't even know if Yanjun was in a relationship he had to keep from the cameras, "It's makeup."

"From Chaoze?" Yanjun questioned, stepping closer to Zhengting as his head crooked sideways, "We're not the same shade any more."

"Oh, well that's... um... interesting to know." He murmured, still in between choices, "It's mostly just concealer." 

"Concealer?" Yanjun frowned at this, not noticing how his slow advance had pushed Zhengting into the corner, "The makeup jiejies have that covered."

"No it's..." Zhengting still struggled with what to say, "For you know..."

"For..." Yanjun's hands bumped his chest, still holding the bag of makeup. The shorter man peered up at him, lips pulled in as he thought. 

"For those..." Zhengting gestured weakly, hand accidentally brushing against Yanjun neck, he watched the older man's eyes widen and goose bumps break out across his skin. A slight hitch in breath was the only audible sign he showed him that he'd heard what he'd said. 

\--

Yanjun really wished these handsome younger men would stop touching his neck. God it was like every hot guy on the show had heard what he'd confessed during that one Truth or Dare game Nongnong had attended. His neck was extremely sensitive to touch, he hated any one poking it or tickling him there because it felt like every touch was magnified. Not only was it distracting when he was trying to have a conversation with someone, it made him way too embarrassed to ever admit why he wanted them to stop. Thus the cycle continued, this time with Zhengting, although it wasn't entirely unexpected given what had happened yesterday. 

"Ge?" Zhengting prompted, hand still sitting on Yanjun's shoulder, distractingly close. 

"Oh, sorry" He apologized, successfully ignoring the younger man's overbearing presence and the embarrassment he felt about being giving supplies for hiding hickeys like he was in high school. "Thank you then... for bringing these to me."

"No problem" Zhengting smiled down at him, the hand on his shoulder squeezed the muscle underneath lightly, "Any time." 

"Right" Yanjun breathed out, stepping away from him once he noticed how close they'd gotten. The elevator doors chimed open, signalling for both of them to walk outside, "See you."

\--

He put the moment out of his head for the rest of the day, until nightfall when he was the last person still practicing. Being in a group with Lu Dinghao was interesting, although the tension between the other members had yet to break. He didn't really know what to do to fix it, still trying to come off as cold, especially now that he was technically competing against of one his label mates. Now as he stood in front of a mirror, trying to come off as cute and lovey dovey, he considered his group. Huang Xinchun and Jeffrey were both so obviously awkward that even his previous friendship with Dinghao couldn't save their group ambiance. Hopefully they'd get along better quick, seeing as how their performance was only in a few days. 

Suddenly the door to the practice room opened, startling him from his pose and he turned to face whoever had walked in. It was Zhu Zhengting, and honestly Yanjun wasn't really sure how to feel about that. A sheepish grin, hah good one Yanjun, crossed over the other's face. 

"Oh sorry", The now blond boy trailed off as he awkwardly let the door close, "I was looking for Xinchun."

"He left already." Yanjun replied, hoping the other would leave now that the awkwardness felt even worse than if Jeffrey was here. 

"What were you doing?" Zhengting asked, striding over to where Yanjun stood. 

"Don't laugh" Yanjun warned, knowing of all the trainees it had to be this one who caught him like this, "But I have trouble being cute."

"Oh my god..." Zhengting sighed in exasperation, fist coming to punch his bicep, "Why is it always me?"

"Don't be so dramatic." Yanjun couldn't help but snort, feeling the tension slowly bleed from the room, "It's not like you're the cutest person here."

"Oh? And who is?"

"Nongnong, duh."

"True, true..." Zhengting nodded, and made eye contact with him, "Do you need help?"

"Yeah" Yanjun admitted, "This is supposed to be a romantic performance, like a love confession."

"Well that doesn't necessarily mean cute." Zhengting pointed out, "Why not add a lil' spice to it?"

"Because every one else is cute, and so I need to be too" Yanjun pouted at him, "Mentor Ringhao even called me ugly today."

"No way!" 

"Way."

"Alright well, come closer to me" Zhengting said as he tugged Yanjun by his elbow, "Now smile!"

Yanjun looked up at Zhengting and let his dimples loose, a confident smirk twisted his lips upwards. 

"I said smile! Not be sleazy" Zhengting frowned at him, "Just pretend you're the stupidest air head you know, for me that's Chengcheng, and smile!"

Yanjun laughed at that, and imagined himself as Dinghao, all bright and cutesy and having the easiest time for this performance's concept. He tried again, opening his mouth this time and framing his face with his hands. 

"Okay now you just look creepy." Zhengting giggled, pulling his hands down, "And don't make your neck all scrunched up like that. It looks ugly."

"Like what?" Yanjun joked, squishing the back of his head against his now raised shoulder, eye brows waggling at the younger man, "Like this?" 

"You're so annoying. Proper posture is important while singing." Zhengting scolded, one hand scooping Yanjun's head up and holding it steady and straight by wrapping his fingers around his throat, "Now is that so hard?"

Unfortunately Yanjun's brain went offline around the same time Zhengting had tightened his grip on his neck, the hand felt like an iron brand on his skin. They were closer together now, the younger man still looking down on him as he waited for a respone. Blushing he tried to open his mouth to tell Zhengting to let go, but then his thumb brushed against that one spot below his ear and behind his jaw and instead of whining "Zhengting" it came came out more as a breathy moan. 

He watched as Zhengting's facial expression immediately turned from one of nagging, to disbelief, and undoubtedly at the end, interest. The blond pressed closer to him, fingers caressed his nape causing his eyes to instantly flutter closed. Sharply he inhaled and tried to regain his sense, but as he opened his eyes to find Zhengting much closer than he'd been, he thought Fuck it. He'd been teased for two days and been confused, and now he just needed some stress relief. After all Zhengting knew Yanchen, he'd know how it works. 

So it was Yanjun who pushed a little upwards on his toes to connect their lips, tilting his head to the side just right so their noses didn't bump. It was Yanjun who brushed their lips together, who pushed his tongue into Zhengting's mouth and ran it alongside the other's. Yanjun who wrapped his arms around his waist and pulled him close. 

Zhengting finally responded, tugging on his hair and pulling his head back, deepening the kiss and making him moan into his mouth. He pushed him against the mirror, lips almost bruising his own with the intensity as a thigh slotted itself between his legs. The dancer's hand slipped underneath his sweatshirt, pressing his palm down on his abs and moved higher up. Yanjun rolled his hips downwards, seeking friction and panting as they broke apart. 

He watched the string of saliva between them break as they both struggled to regain their breath, he was about to say something when a pinch on his nipple made a groan fall out his mouth. His head lolled back onto the mirror as Zhengting crowded him against it, licking down his neck as his sweatshirt was shoved upwards. The blond's hot lips lifted off of the junction between his shoulder and neck and brushed against his chest. Then they went down, and down, and further until Yanjun was cursing underneath his breath and Zhengting couldn't talk with his mouth full.


	5. Shattered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yanjun can't understand why it feels like he cheated on Zhangjing, and Zhangjing tries to stop his heart from hurting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God I just wanna be like all the other Zhangjun writers and make soft and good fics but all I can do is light smut and pining lmao. 
> 
> Also y'all are so sweet down in the comments, if I didn't answer right away it's because I didn't know how and you probably got some awkward ass ":)" in response.

It's late at night in the practice rooms, Zhangjing has stayed down by himself in order to prepare more. Unlike rappers or dancers, his voice can literally run itself out so he can't pull an all nighter. That doesn't stop him from coming close though. Lyric after lyric falls from his mouth, notes strung into a melody that's he known ever since he'd been a child, but now he feels its rhythm ingrain itself into his mind. "I Miss You" has been his break up song since he was in elementary school, and figured out that the Ding Tai Fung mascot wouldn't ever love him back. Obviously he's moved past that, but sometimes he'd wish he didn't know what this felt like. Carving out space for just the right emotions, the perfect way to look romantically heartbroken and begging for company, palms outstretched and fingers yearning for some one else to hold onto. It's almost funny how the other members of his team are so impressed with how quickly he immersed himself in the song's emotions, if only he didn't have so much practice feeling like this all the time. 

It's really not that bad, pining after your best friend. Most of the time, 18 hours of the day it could be considered platonic. Then Yanjun will jokingly flirt with him, caressing his cheeks and coming oh so close. He sneaks him food so only one of them has to run for punishment, and of course it'll be his favorites. He'll hug him and snuggle with him all night, and sometimes selfishly Zhangjing imagines if it would feel different to wake up beside him as something more. He'll smile with full dimples and tell his cold jokes and every time Zhangjing pretends to be annoyed he's obligated to show a slight smile, just so his friend doesn't think he's actually annoyed. Lin Yanjun is everything bad for Zhangjing's heart, and he can't get enough. 

So when Zheng Ruibin grabs his hand from behind as he's walking down the hallway, the resulting squeak he lets out as he's yanked from his funk is totally justified. He glares at the twenty year old, who has the decency to blush at manhandling his ge. Opening his mouth, Zhangjing's scolding is promptly interrupted by a loud "Shhh!" from the younger. 

"Ge", Ruibin pulls him in closer, eyes wild and unsettled, "You can't go that way." 

"Why not?" Zhangjing asks, honestly curious now as his annoyance at being grabbed fades, "Is the staff actually doing something to us at this time of night? I thought they all went home by now."

"I- I wish", Ruibin stutters, blush deepening on his face as he notices he's still holding his hand. He stares downwards for so long that Zhangjing almost wants to flick him, "Someone's... /busy/ in one of the practice rooms."

"Ruibin, we're ALL busy in the practice rooms if we're still here at this hour", Zhangjing is a tad amused at the brunette's politeness, but he's sleepy and Yanjun's probably driving Chaoze crazy in their dorms. "The rooms are mostly soundproof and I'm short enough that I can crouch down so I won't distract them by being seen in the window."

"Ge... no" Ruibin's face is so red at this point that it's spread to his neck and crept up his hairline, past his messy bangs. He bites his lip and momentarily tightens his grip on Zhangjing's hand. Looking up his eyes widen as he enunciates, "Like /getting/ busy."

"Oh" is all he can say for a moment, mood immediately killed as he thinks the implications of that over. Those boys could get caught, what ever lust they had that wasn't worth being taken out in the shower, that had to be carried out in practice room with cameras probably wasn't worth their shot at debut. Hopefully the staff won't watch the late night footage, because that is exactly what they risked if they were discovered. How lucky for him that he'd never have to worry about situations like this, he'd never understood that desperation. "Well there's only way out of this area, so we need to think of something."

"You're going to walk by them?" Ruibin's head leans down a little bit, eyebrows raised. 

"Well yeah, what else are we going to do? It's not like we can wait until they're finished." Zhangjing responds, but the taller boy's lack of answer tells him all he needs to know, "Oh my god Ruibin! You need to sleep, what if they'd been in there for hours?"

"I didn't want to disturb them!" Ruibin tries to defend himself, but then he adds, blush that had died suddenly reanimated on his cheeks, "Plus ge... no one can go for /hours/."

"We- we're not- that's not what we're talking about right now." Zhangjing hissed, feeling his own cheeks start to heat up. He pulls away from him. but uses their currently entangled fingers to tug him forward. "C'mon, we'll run and crouch."

"Ge..." Ruibin seems like he wants to protest, but the yawn that splits it also makes it seem like he wants to sleep. "Alright."

Together they go as fast as they can down the hallway, and despite the embarassing situation, it's kind of funny. Like something he'll whisper to Dinghao in the morning over breakfast and have Chaoze hit him for not figuring out who they were. They're like midnight burglars, sneaking past passionate lovers and holding the secrets of power, like the men in "Agent J". The amusement could have lasted, could have carried him back to his bed with a whining Yanjun, if not for the sound he heard as they passed by /the/ door. 

It was clearly shut, but the lights were on with the slight draft from the air con, sounds were dragged out. Nothing out of the ordinary, nothing he hadn't expected, normal sex sounds. Meaningless to him, he didn't even spare them any mind. It's when his last step has finally cleared the door's hinges, when swears that less than ten of the trainees know meet his ears. It could be any one, if not for the dialect, something from Taiwan that every trainee has had drilled out of them. While it narrows it down, he hopes against hope that it isn't who he suspects it is. 

The entire trip back to the dorm, he mulls it over, replaying every second in his head. Ruibin leaves him later, needing some milk from the cafeteria, and as bad as Zhangjing feels for barely noticing his absence, he's focused on something else now. 

It's not like he doesn't know what Yanjun gets up to. Hell the hickeys he'd tried to ignore are direct proof that he gets around, even on a show where they're closely monitored. While it bothers him, Zhangjing is the last person to tell someone what they can and can't do with their body. It doesn't help him convince himself that Yanjun isn't a player, considering he's pretty sure he saw Yanchen back in the dorms earlier in the night in Zeren's room and how he knows the two aren't dating. That whoever's in that room is someone new shouldn't bother him either. Friends with benefits isn't what he wants from Yanjun, especially since he can't even give said benefits. It's shitty though that that's all Yanjun seems to want. 

So as he makes the last steps to his room, he thinks about soft pajamas in his sheets. He hopes for a warm body, even a cold joke, anything really. He can't even expect anything from him, hasn't let any of his feelings slip through, hasn't confessed. He can't act like kisses against hickeys left by someone else and almost kisses in the dark mean anything, except he has let them mean something to him. It's the worst mistake he's ever made. 

And if his heart breaks a little bit, when he falls into a cold comforter in a room full of sleeping trainees. when his dorm is dark and there is no one waiting for him, then that's his business. 

Lin Yanjun is bad for his heart, bad, bad, bad. 

\--

He doesn't know why it feels wrong to do this, sneaking back to the dorms all alone. Zhengting had hit him, saying he needed to eat something to get the taste of cum out of his mouth. At the time, Yanjun had been miffed considering he'd made out with the younger man right after, tasting himself on his tongue as he gave him the quickest hand job of his life. He was pretty sure he wasn't as salty or bitter as he could have been. As he rides the elevator up, his after glow seems to die as quick as it'd been born. 

Now, he's left even more confused than before. Zhengting and him hadn't even stopped to give the good ol' "Homo but not officially, bro" talk. He'd thought with the other's experience in Korea, he'd know to at least say something about what they'd done. But nope, nothing was discussed, he just picked up where they'd left off. Tips on how to act cute, like nothing had happened and teethmarks weren't imprinted in his shoulder. 

The doors ping open, the sight of a dimly lit hallway sobers him even more. Suddenly, the thought of returning to his dorm, where Zhangjing surely waits in t̶h̶e̶i̶r̶ his bed, makes him feel ashamed. He feels the sweat caked on his skin sharply, smelling like sex would surely affront his best friend's delicate temper about his bed. Yanjun turns around, he has pjs drying in the washroom and being clean yet damp would be better than staying like this. 

After hot water has washed away any evidence that he'd been doing anything... promiscuous, he steps out and stops. His reflection is clear, for once steam has not fogged the mirror in front of him. He's lost weight, muscles defined more by his bones than the swells he'd earned through working out. Under eye bags aren't prominent, but just as any redness is highlighted by the shower, so are the sweeping shadows. Even more noticeable than any of those things however, are the new slight imprints of thumbs on his hip bones, the half circles of dots bitten into his shoulders, and the yellowing smudges still left over by Yanchen. 

As he pulls on his sleeping shirt, its material the thickest and collar highest of any he owns, unbidden comes to his mind the origin of makeup remover. The business men who'd cheated on their wives had their mistresses' lipstick stains on their necks and collars for days, had created it in order to not get caught by their spouse. The issue of reds and pinks left by so called lovers were erasable, sins wiped off with oils and cold cream. Yanjun doesn't think much of it when he pulls on his clean boxers, though the thought bothers him more than he'd like to admit.

The walk back to the dorm tugs at his senses too, every creak of the wooden door and floor feels louder than the iKuns' fan chants. He tries to not let light flood into his sleeping roommates' dreams, but a sliver makes its appearance known. Hopefully he hadn't woken any of them, peering into the darkness, he's abruptly at a cross roads. 

His actual bed, or where he's been sleeping for the past month. Said bed's owner seems to sleeping soundly, back to him and head almost covered by his blankets. It calls to him, and sounds like salvation that Yanjun didn't know he needed. When he slips under the covers, turning the same direction as Zhangjing, his arm hesitates to tug him into his chest and wrap around him, he feels dirty somehow. The shower hadn't helped at all, Zhangjing was going to know what he'd done and- The shifting of his shoulder in front of him alerts him to the possibility of his best friend waking up. 

Decision made, he lets his hand fall down into the space between them. A few inches made into miles of unknown difference as he gazes at the man in front of him, this must be how a sinner feels when they walk into church on Sunday with their wife. Quiet stretches itself out after, like a fermata held too long, musicians' breath running out as they go just a little longer. Yanjun feels empty somehow, even though he's done nothing wrong. He hasn't cheated on Zhangjing because they aren't dating, because they are best friends and nothing more, no matter what his horniness insisted were signs that they could be together. But when he rolls over, hand unintentionally cupping his own, Yanjun could swear this was his confession, that his heart beat a little faster, his eyes glowed a little brighter, only for Zhangjing. Eyes closing, dreams smelling like fresh rosaries and freeing him, his ever lasting soul wonders if love could ever count as sin. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woooooo I had no idea where I pulled all of the Christianity and heterosexual references from, but they sounded real nice so I let myself add 'em in. 
> 
> Also I know this is pretty short, but I wanted to end it on a more sad note today. I've been having relationship issues myself and that may have bled into this a tiny bit. 
> 
> "Sad Ocean" by Chihei was my company this time, apparently depressing aquarium playlists are a thing and they work wonders for setting the mood. I also recently read this really good cheating fic, by zhujungjungting and it helped lol. Very inspiring for all of the last couple paragraphs.


	6. Origins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yanjun dreams of love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know I have 2 chapters of notes due in my ap class and I chose updating this over finishing them, despite my test being tomorrow and it's also my last chance to turn something in for credit a week late for my honors class. :) This is *sips coffee mug on fire* :) Fine:) 
> 
> Enough complaining though, I think I was reading something written for Zikun? Idk if I can remember the fic I'll put it in the notes in an edit but it inspired me to write about ~feelings~ in ~dreams~.

Lin Yanjun cannot remember the last time he's ever felt so happy. There's trainees all around him, their clothes are simple,made up of things like cotton, polyester, and flannel. Skinny jean who? They're laughing and sprawling in the grass around him, all one hundred of his brothers have gathered here. Somehow he knows, maybe it's by the ease of which their teeth are flashed, the subtle quality of the fabric that brushes against his skin, or the food they eat with abandon. They've debuted, all of them, together. 

Perhaps it's the fact he thought of them all as brothers that shakes up his dream, turns it into something else. Some one here is more than his brother, his best friend, he's someone special to him. 

The elegant peal of sound that floats its way over the wildflowers directs him to find its source. He stumbles forward, without urgency but determination to find he who makes his heart lighten with only his voice. 

Somehow he knows, that he will never ever, let this man get away from him. That it has only ever come second to the dream that led him to find him, that singing and dancing has let him discover the true music that comes from when your heart sings in joy from the presence of another. 

The hill the other trainees were playing on descends into a valley, cut by a river that flashes silver in the afternoon sun. Thistle pricks at his calves as he makes his way down, following the sound, the sound that's carried him all this way. 

If he was awake, he might laugh at himself for following Zhangjing's voice without considering the idea of calling out with his own. But it is because he is asleep, that he can acknowledge that he doesn't know what he would say in the face of such beauty.

He arrives at his destination, a small island in the middle of the water, a gazebo wherein his Odette waits for him. He is the prince, chasing after love unconfirmed and risking everything for it. 

What does it mean to be beautiful?

Does it mean a voice spun by angels, whose gentle hands placed within his throat the ability to put forth melodies higher than the heavens? This voice belongs to him. 

Does it mean to be the perfect size, square shoulders at the right height for hugs and high fives and cuddling? The right amount of softness and muscle, able to dance but not made for for it. Skill and memory that had to be earned? This body belongs to him. 

Does it mean to have the earth in his eyes? The color of vitality, the comfort of warm silt under your feet as you garden with the one you love? The color of dirt under your nails, when passion has driven you past the point of hygiene? The color of home? These eyes belong to him. 

Perhaps it is all of this that makes up the man that sits before him, brown hair messed up from his previous sleeping position, soft cheeks rounding out his face as the world's eighth wonder is uncovered by his lips, his smile. Hands meant for playing the piano are palms up, he is expected to fall into this man's arms. 

Little do both of them know, that he has already fallen. 

So unlike when he is conscious, Yanjun lets himself be held and truly feel without worry. 

A strong heartbeat is underneath his ear, warmth and safety and yes, this is the one thing both parts of Yanjun's mind will always agree on. It is this person, who will forever remain his home. Home is cuddles under the sun, laughter in his ear, lyrics hummed against his skin. Home is love that radiates from this man, love that he'll press between the pages of his favorite book because every moment is worth preserving, love that he returns. And maybe when he wakes up, home will be what convinces him to admit just how much love that is. 

"Do you love me?" Volume drags across the threshold of his mind. 

Lips against bruises on his neck, assurances made with skin, without marks. 

"Do you love me?"

Hands held underneath the starry sky, done without force but just as daring. 

"Do you love me?"

And it's a scary thing isn't it? Love. It feels like a yawning cliff right in front of him, and as much Yanjun doesn't want to fall, wants to cling to his two Odiles and forget and ignore what his heart beats for... he's already fallen. 

"Yes."

"...Then I'll wait for you."

Yanjun does not say that Odette didn't wait, that a shock of white had been enough to draw away his attention from the Odiles in a ballroom, because what no one ever talks about in the end is that the other swans would have filled in without him. Had inky darkness been just as captivating, just as beautiful. 

And if Yanjun had been more awake, if perhaps his eye lids had fluttered open instead of twitched, then he could have wiped the tear from Zhangjing's eye. Then we would be close to the end, then his answer couldn't be passed off as sleep talking. Then maybe he could have basked in the after glow of dawn, and asked if he loved him. 

Though perhaps this is how they were most like the Swan Prince, doomed to silence once the daylight broke. 

\--

~a few minutes before dawn~

Zhangjing wakes up where he had fallen asleep cold and alone, to longer legs overlapping his and their hands laying next to each other. He takes a minute to appreciate the sight of Yanjun, brown hair a messy halo on his pillow and mouth slightly ajar. Although it looks like he's smiling, so what ever he's dreaming of must be good. 

It's moments like these, quiet mornings full of things unsaid, that never let what had been a crush on Yanjun, now love, die. His heart still aches, Yanjun is wearing his thickest shirt in bed, like he always does when he's had sex. It's almost a cute habit, that for some reason Yanjun tries to hide it from him, aside from the fact that its such an obvious pattern of Yanjun not wanting him. He doubts he even knows that he does it, despite the fact he was sure that'd been in the laundry room four flights below them as of last night. 

A habit: a tendency to do something, seen as hard to give up. 

Einstein's Definition of Insanity: Repeating the same action over and over again, hoping for different results. 

You Zhangjing's Love for Lin Yanjun: ?

 

A slightly louder exhale from the younger man brings his attention back to him. He lifts his hand up, pushing back the bans that were tickling his friend's eye brow. Without thought he says it. 

"Do you love me?" It's, quite frankly, loud. Any louder and Chaoze would probably shout at him for "waking me up while being a useless gay!". 

Zhangjing already knows the answer though, it's been given to him almost every night for almost two years. It doesn't stop him from asking again. 

"Do you love me?" This time it's a little softer, because he's truly wondering how much he loves him. It's obvious what response he wants, but that doesn't mean he'll get it. 

Nothing but silence greets him, so as an almost hysterical giggle escapes him, this really is kind of fun yet depressing at the same time, he leans even closer. Their faces are so much closer than he would ever let himself do while both of them were awake, but Yanjun hasn't woken up so. 

"Do you love me?" He whispers, expecting nothing but silence again. It's odd that he's doing this to himself, maybe what happened last night has bothered him more than he realized. Maybe he's more daring, because he knows he has no chance at all now, maybe it's time to realize that and stop hoping. 

"Yes." 

It hurts you know, it really does. Because Yanjun's eyes are closed when he answers, because now a single tear has ran down his cheek without him thinking to stop it. It slips out, involuntarily, a knee-jerk reaction to getting his hopes up and dashed, when he should have known. Stupid of him, really. 

Like he said, quiet mornings beside each other kept him in love with Lin Yanjun, even if it hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know I started this being like lmao Yanjun is Zhangjing's literal sleeping beauty but then I switched in for Swan Lake lowkey? badly? idk this is a mess. I just want to be a soft zhangjun writer am I dOiNg iT rIgHt?


	7. Wo Ai Ni

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You don't have to say I love you, to say I love you" - 'For Him' by Troye Sivan
> 
> Yanjun needs to practice how to confess, and who better than the person currently making his head spin?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who would have thought I'd make hickeys a plot device in this fic lmao
> 
> But also Troye Sivan's songs? QUALITY B O P S.

The bonds between his team mates had gotten better, truly. The huge improvement mostly came from a game proposed by Xinchun, to play one had to hold some vitamin water in their mouth and make another person smile.

Yanjun had honestly tried is hardest to make "Blank-frey" loosen up, but nothing had really worked. His awkward team mate had seemed so determined to not react, like AT ALL.

All he seemed to have succeeded in was destroying the wall of "cold" personality he'd put up in hopes of driving away the other trainees. It really did serve a purpose, he didn't want to get too close to people who'd only be eliminated again. Not like he would break Top 9 anyways, but he didn't want a repeat of what had happened last elimination.

But as the giggles let out by Xinchun, a boy he'd met only a few days ago, warmed his heart and encouraged him to try harder, he knew it was already too late for this round of evaluations. All three boys were now closer to being his friends than he would have liked, even Dinghao who was previously just his mutual friend had somehow grown more dear to him. Th entire situation was annoying honestly.

So he twisted his hands, shook his hips, and prayed for some kind of reaction from Jeffrey. Nothing.

But then,

"Tease him back, Jeffrey!" Dinghao piped up from his place next to Xinchun.

Jeffrey looked back at the Banana Culture trainee, like he was searching for advice. Yanjun watched as his eyes flicked at the small amount of distance between their two non-competing team mates, at their fingers that almost brushed together.

What was he going to do?

Jeffrey started forward and turned around so that his back was facing him. Then, only for a few seconds, his surprisingly gay? ass grinded against the front of Yanjun's crotch.

What. The. Fuck.

Yanjun could feel his cheeks starting to heat up, but most of all he let his surprise slip through his expression. This was completely unexpected and there were cameras right there how was he supposed to react to this???

Jeffrey pulled away and stepped back to where he had been standing, one eyebrow quirked up at Yanjun in a questioning manner. The other boy looked completely unaffected.

Well if that's how it was, Yanjun decided he had done worse in this very practice room. Mind made up, he put a finger to his lips, making sure he maintained eye contact with Jeffrey as he body rolled. Then he stepped forward to drag it along his jaw, and maybe his lips if Jeffrey let him. They looked nice, a little thin, but Yanjun wasn't picky. After all, only really plump lips felt different when you kissed, any other type all felt the same. Plus Zhangjing's lips were on the thinner side, though he wasn't sure why his best friend came to mind at the moment.

Fortunately? Jeffrey dodged his head to the side at the last second, and Yanjun pulled his hand back. Even though Xinchun probably didn't know, this pseudo game of Gay Chicken was something Yanjun wasn't going to lose, even if flirting with a boy with as nice of a jawline as Jeffrey's wasn't appealing to him for some reason. Steeling himself, he stepped forward to get closer to the other trainee.

"Stop! Stop! Stop!" Dinghao and Xinchun moved in synce as they flapped their hands and pulled them apart from eachother, "We're stopping here before you guys do something weird!"

Yanjun pointedly didn't respond to that, his heart hadn't really been into it. He sent a small smile at Jeffrey as they watched the other two prep for their round, just to make sure nothing had been misunderstood. Having a reputation as a flirt didn't always serve him well, and he didn't really want to chase after Jeffrey right now.

The shy boy's wry grin in response however, let him know everything was good between them, so he focused on the pair in front of him.

Dinghao was probably going to lose, any blind man could see that Xinchun had an effect on the elder no matter how mundane the action. In a game designed to fluster you? His friend didn't stand a chance.

But as the two stared at each other, and Dinghao sent a glance to him, Yanjun felt like something different was afoot. He gave a small nod to his labelmate, though he didn't know what question he was answering, it seemed like it was the response he was looking for.

Dinghao gave the most serious look Yanjun had ever seen on his face at Xinchun, making direct eye contact with the younger boy a he stepped forward. It almost lookedd predatory, and he could have sworn that his eyes flicked down at the YueHua trainee's lips before he got even closer. Xinchun's blush was visible even from where he was standing, and he wondered what would happen when they finally came into contact with each other.

Xinchun spitting vitamin water onto Dinghao, though, broke the mood instantly. The minute he saw his friend's disgusted face as a combination of saliva and beverage drip down it, he lost it.

Slapping his knees, Yanjun basked in the new atmosphere of the team he led. Finally an end to their horrible awkwardness.

Or not seeing as how he had to open his big mouth, talking about the expressions they needed to show for the cameras during their performance. Here he was just trying to be a good leader for his three fuck ups and this is how they repay him. 

The filming jiejie had been so unimpressed with his ~sexy~ take. On his second try he had done it better, but an uneasy feeling still nagged at him even after he got her approval. It seemed... just too attainable, the feeling he had been trying too capture felt too forced for his liking. 

One thing about being an idol that still made him cringe was forced cuteness or affection, when it was too obvious it made him, as a fan, feel cheap somehow. Like he was stupid for ever thinking the person onstage was genuine. It was Yanjun's goal to make sure he never made any of his fans feel that way, by making sure every action he did while performing was his own choice. 

It still annoyed him though, that even after his semi helpful "lesson" with Zhengting and the camera confession game, his own inner perfectionist couldn't let him rest with how he had done. And so he stayed in the practice room after every one else had left again, this time he actually really needed to practice and not have some handsome boy jump him again. 

Yanjun smoothed out the wrinkles in his yellow vocal team sweater and looked back into the mirror, he lifted his eyebrows from their seemingly permanent frowning position, and tried to emulate Jeffrey's basic cuteness. His lips curled into the timid smile he had seen so often on the other boy's face, tilting his face down and summoning his dimples as he glanced shyly up. 

Somehow the posture of a curled back while sitting down, the tiny smile not matching with his usual wide grin, it made him look smaller than normal. It didn't look bad, but he just looked really really unnatural. 

Ugh! Nothing was working for him right now. 

"Yanjun?" Someone knocked on the practice room door, their voice muffled because it had been locked by him half an hour ago. He really was serious when he said he needed actual practice time. 

"Who is it?" He asked, standing up as he padded across the wooden dance floor to the doorway, one hand casually rubbing the strain in his neck. 

"Zhangjing, dumbass!" The Malaysian man frowned at him as the door opened, his hand on his neck immediately stilling as he froze. His body stood in the way of letting him in, as he blinked down at his best friend. 

"Um." Yanjun intelligently said, not knowing exactly what to do. This morning the older man had simply given him a hug when he'd woken up, and proceeded to ignore him all day, not even sparing a few minutes for their usual little chats during the practice break times they'd purposely scheduled so they could see each other. Since he was pretty sure he was being ignored, he was kind of confused about what response he was supposed to give to this sudden greeting. 

"Are you going to let me in?" Zhangjing lifted his brows in a questioning manner, head tilting to the side and letting his bangs gently swish to the right. 

"Of course." He immediately defended, shifting out of the way and opening the door a little wider. Unfortunately he wasn't smart enough to make the new gateway bigger as Zhangjing had to awkwardly squeeze in between his body and the wall. Which, for some reason his best friend's body pressing against his made his heart flutter. Odd. 

"...Are you going to close the door?" The elder queried, staring at him weirdly, probably because as he just realized, he'd turned to face him while still holding onto the door. 

"oh", he looked at his hand against the wood, suddenly feeling an uncomfortable weight press onto his shoulders. Swallowing he pushed the door gently shut, fingers absentmindedly turning the lock, "Yeah..." 

He twisted around to find his friend looking at him, said friend quickly looked down at his hands clinging onto the end of his sweater. An awkward silence lasted between them, and he almost found himself wishing for his team back, at least their awkward silences could be broken by Dinghao. 

Sadly no such luck so as he waddled past his frozen best friend and back to his spot in front of the mirror, he sneaked a glance at him while he plopped down in its reflection. White, tiny teeth nibbled at his cute bottom lip for a second, before Zhangjing's gaze suddenly snapped up to meet his. They stared at each other in the mirror, as no one said anything. 

"Hey Zhangjing, are you an exothermic reaction?" Yanjun had to break the silence somehow, and this was a sure fire way of getting his friend to react. 

"No." Zhangjing sighed as he took his seat next to him, and glared. 

"Are you sure?" Yanjun slowly smirked as he leaned forward and propped his elbow on his crossed legs, supporting his chin with his hand. He made sure to slowly sweep his gaze up his best friend's body, stare focused around the yellow neck hole of his sweater as he said, "Because you're spreading your hotness every where." 

"Yanjun..." Zhangjing quickly flicked his eyes to the side in exasperation, and if he hadn't been looking he wouldn't have caught the way his throat had bobbed before he said anything. He scooted closer and clacked his shoulder against his, "What are you doing here so late anyways?" 

"Just practicing." Yanjun grinned, happy that things were starting to feel normal again. He lifted his arm and curled around Zhangjing's shoulders, pulling him deeper into his side. 

"Waiting for any one?" Zhangjing's voice sounded a tad strangled at the end of his question, thanks to the mirror in front of him he could see the abnormal expression on his face that would have been hidden from view without it. 

"You?" Yanjun tested it out slightly, his eyes meeting Zhangjing's in the mirror again, before the elder ducked his head. He looked to his side where his best friend's cheeks were slightly tinted, probably from being in a well heated room while wearing a thick sweater and being cuddled, no doubt. 

"I think you sound fine." The slightly muffled response came from where Zhangjing had put his into the crook between Yanjun's neck and shoulder. 

"Thank you." Yanjun quickly let his head rest on top of Zhangjing's for a moment, eyes forced shut by the force of his smile. Just as fast though, he lifted his head up and used his other hand to grab Zhangjing's face. The older man blinked at him as his fingers held his chin up, clearly wondering what he was up to. "I have a problem though." 

"What is it?" Zhagnjing's brows furrowed slightly, creating the little wrinkle in his skin. 

Without thinking he used his thumb to smooth it out while letting go of his chin as he answered, "I feel like I can't make the emotions felt during the song feel real." 

"..." Zhangjing eyes fluttered open and closed while his mouth wedged itself open the tiniest bit, clamping it shut he said, "Well what does your team say?" 

"They say it's supposed to be like a confession, you have to make the audience feel the love you're pushing out towards them." Yanjun explains, his hand falling to grasp the one Zhangjing has let rest idly on the thigh closest to him, "We practiced it for the cameras but I still don't feel right about it, you know?" 

"You practiced... making a love confession?" His best friend looks confused, glancing down at their hands as he laces their fingers together, "For the film crew?" 

"Yeah." 

"And it didn't feel like it worked, right?" 

"Mm hm." "...maybe because they..." Zhangjing's voice is barely audible to him, despite the fact that the entire line of their bodies from the hips up is in contact with each other. 

"What'd you say?" Yanjun leans closer to him. 

"If you can't summon those feelings for a stranger, maybe you should practice it with someone you actually like." Zhangjing mutters a little louder, his voice sounding strangely bitter though Yanjun can't reason why, "You should go find Yanchen, I'm sure he'd love to help. Maybe Zhengting too." 

"Zhengting already helped me last night though." Yanjun frowns, but the suggestion is a good one, even if his best friend doesn't seem excited by the concept. 

"Oh" Zhangjing lefts out a small laugh at that, and since there wasn't anything funny said, it leaves him more than confused, "Of course he did. Well, what are you waiting for? Go find him!" 

"Why would I do that?" Yanjun puzzles out, tightening his hold around his shoulders and hand as the elder tries to get up, "You're already here, why can't I practice with you?" 

"Because-" Zhangjing's response starts out louder than anything else he's said since he entered the practice room, but it gets softer, almost sad somehow, "You don't love me Yanjun, so how can you confess to me?" 

"Of course I love you!" Yanjun rolls his eyes and takes away the arm that was curled around his best friend, "Now stay still." 

"...Fine" Zhangjing sighs, letting go of Yanjun's hand and staring expectantly at him. 

Yanjun promptly feels nervous with Zhangjing's eyes on him, but he ignores it in favor of getting the emotions right. Without music, he starts to hum Jeffrey's opening line. 

Then he sings the second line he shares with him. 

'There’s only you and me on this planet, oh baby bae' 

It's a little awkward, with the solid eye contact he has going on with Zhangjing. 

'Every kiss seems to be the first and every second I want to kiss you, oh baby bae' 

Yanjun smiles sweetly as his best friend as he mouths the word "kiss". 

'Even if we’re separated for a second, yet I can’t forget your smile' 

He leans forward and takes Zhangjing's hand on impulse, despite the nagging in his mind that he can't rely on physical movements like this while on stage. 

'All the grey clouds will disappear when I’m with you, how surprising is that, Oh baby bae' 

Zhangjing smiles a little bit with him as Yanjun sings that line as both of them anticipate the chorus. 

'A wonderful love story, I love being close with you' 

And slowly as he sings his lines, all thoughts of the performance begin to fly out of his mind, the flapping of their wings miniscule to the terrifyingly loud thrum of his heartbeat. He wants to get this just right. 

'Does it mean you know me well or...' 

His grip on Zhangjing's hand grows as he squeezes it between both of his hands now. ' 

I… wish to be by your side daily, making you happy, oh baby bae' 

Yanjun forgets to wait for the appropriate rests, something feels different right now than all the other times. 

'Even if we’re separated by a second,' 

His smile grows as his eyes soften while looking at his beautiful best friend sitting before him. 

'yet I can’t forget your smile' 

Impulsively he reaches out and caresses the side of his cheek, Zhangjing's smile has never looked more welcoming than right now. 

'Love you, love you, love you...' 

His voice becomes softer, slower, as an unknown emotion presses down on his throat, making it hard to talk, to sing, to breathe. 

'I just love you like this, wanna be with you all the time' 

Zhangjing finally leans into his touch, smile softer now as he looks directly into Yanjun's soul. He feels like he floating on air, their knees touch because he's been scooting forward the whole time. 

'I like to love you and your embrace' He brings their other hands up, looks to the side at how their fingers overlap, the size difference in their hands. Gently he squeezes them, and bring them closer to his mouth. He kisses the tops of four of Zhangjing's knuckles, humming Jeffrey's refrain through his lips. 

'If we fasten the buttons on each other’s clothes, then we’ll never be apart' 

He lets go of Zhanjing's hand to run his thumb over the collar of his sweater, he feels him go still underneath his touch as his slightly cold finger tip brushes over warm, soft skin. 

'Wonderful love story, I love being close to you' He leans in, lets their foreheads press against each other while Zhangjing's wide eyes look up at him. He looks down and his tongue quickly flicks over his bottom lip. 

'Because of you… ' 

The last line is mumbled against the cheek he isn't holding, and it's almost as if the press of his lips against his skin wakes him up from his trance. He still kisses him, and cheek is really a loose word because it's more like he kisses the corner of Zhangjing's mouth. His eyes slipped closed as the the the final syllable passes through his teeth, and in that moment every part of Yanjun wants to stay like this, close and safe and with Zhangjing. But what he wants more is for him to kiss him back, because this isn't a dark walk under the stars and Zhangjing had had every opportunity to stop him. He wants to give him the chance to. 

And so they wait, held together in that embrace, until Yanjun swallows and pulls away slowly from him. He opens his eyes as he takes his hand away from his cheek, as sadness swoops in like the tide upon a storm wrecked beach. He keeps his hand in his, and hopes that Zhangjing will say something. 

He keeps quiet, because he doesn't want to say anything. Yanjun doesn't know what exactly he feels, but love for Zhangjing had risen in him abruptly. He finally looks away from his best friend, stares at their hands. He had done all of this thoughtlessly and at the end he couldn't even say if he liked his best friend like that. Years of friendship wasn't worth throwing away because he'd been unsure and touchy when he shouldn't have been. 

Zhangjing was probably uncomfortable right now, had probably not done anything when he'd been kissed because he probably hadn't known how to react. Regret started to pool in Yanjun's stomach, weighing him down with the gravity of his mistake. He was wrong, there was no way Zhangjing could ever like him, they were just friends, he had misread every signal he thought he'd seen. 

Swallowing, he could feel tears start to press against his eyes as he rapidly blinked to keep them away. He's screwed without Zhangjing, he can't suddenly have homesickness when he hasn't been home a year. He can't admit Taiwan hasn't been what he'd considered home for a while, not since two years ago. 

"I-" Zhangjing starts, his sweet voice sounding choked, "I think you have the emotions down." 

Yanjun looks back up at him, the elder is blushing but he doesn't look upset or like he's going to run away from Yanjun screaming which is a good thing. 

"It's very romantic..." Zhangjing continues when he doesn't respond, gnawing on his lips, gaze darting from the floor, to their hands, and back to Yanjun. 

"Thank you." Yanjun whispers, very proud that his voice didn't crack, not very proud that he can't get over the lump in his throat. 

"Though I don't think you can kiss every Citizen Producer on the cheek for votes." Zhangjing chuckles, and if it sounds nervous Yanjun can only take it because his best friend is probably uneasy around him now. 

"Yeah..." Yanjun responds, slipping some sheepishness into his voice for appearances. If Zhangjing is going to pretend that what just happened was a normal, 100% platonic thing to do while practicing for a song, then he will too. "I think some of them would probably slap me." 

"Of course" Zhangjing giggles, "The Jeffrey fans would disembowel you." Pretending that things are normal continues as they make their way back to the dorms, and as he waits for Zhangjing's shower to be over, he thinks things through. 

He never wants to make him uncomfortable again, so maybe they shouldn't cuddle anymore. But when his hour long steam without a soak, is over, he can't think of a worst option than stepping out of the bathroom and slipping into his unused bed. The sheets haven't been washed in weeks, and he's left an assortment of things on top of it. 

When he puts his foot on the ladder though, Zhangjing's sleepy voice halts him in his tracks. 

"Where are you going?" The vocalist groans from his bed below him, "It's time to go to bed." 

"Just checking for clean underwear." He says, not even attempting to hide his relief as he fake looks over the messy pile on the top bunk and steps back down. 

Yanjun all but throws himself into bed beside Zhangjing, curling immediately into his side and resting his face in the elder's neck. He feels like being the little spoon tonight, and he knows that he won't refuse him. The shower did him some good, he'll let his emotions play out with Zhangjing. After all how hard is it to love your best friend as more than a friend?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Troye Sivan's "Bite" was such good inspo for this song I can't e v e n 
> 
> also credits to "CLARES" on YouTube for the subs I used for Wo Ai Ni. 
> 
> I can't remember the title right now, but a Zhangjun fic uploaded sometime this last week was the inspo for this chapter. It's a one shot but it's over 13k and it goes all the way to the finale, y'all should go read it it's amazing. I think it's by "yanjun" and the story is "Stay With Me"? I'm pretty sure it is anyways


	8. Emotions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some Zhangjing POV softness and Yanchen's figuring out Yanren vs. Zhengchen...? Yanting?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know I thought I'd get this up by friday and then I got in t-t-t-t-trouble so shoops-a-daisy bros y'all can have 2 updates for the price of one because i love writing this.

Yanchen has spent the past eight minutes trying to convince stupid Ding Zeren, who is younger than him, that he doesn't need to go to bed this early. Zeren, has spent the past eight minutes not listening to anything he's said and tried to force warmed cinnamon milk down his throat. They're in the practice room, every member of the "Nunchucks" team had already left for the dorms, even Bangbang. 

Sweat has soaked through the back of his t-shirt, a fact that disgusts Yanchen and works as evidence for Zeren that he should rest. Zeren's main weapon seems to be making his slightly frown-y, mini smile at him and saying that he's worried. 

It does things to his heart that are unhealthy. Almost as unhealthy as his sleeping schedule of late, which is almost nonexistent and apparently not as well hidden as he'd thought. 

Standing makes his already aching legs ache though, so he gently sets his body onto the floor and begins to stretch out. The currently brown haired boy seems to take this as a sign of him giving in and having a cool down stretch, so Zeren joins him. 

Years of dancing, though, have taught Zeren to quickly notice these are just standing stretches, done to keep muscles warm without actually pushing oneself to the limits because said muscles are going to be used again. 

"Have you been listening to anything I've been saying for the past hour?" Zeren asks, incredulously like he actually expected Yanchen to focus on his words when his hair is tucked unfairly attractively into a headband and his collar bones are practically on display as he leans over to stretch out his hands over his left leg. 

"No." Yanchen smiles with all of his teeth, though to be honest he doesn't really know any other way. He's been spending way too much time with the younger man, but out of all the trainees he's gotten to know over the course of the show, this relationship feels the simplest. 

They understand each other, deeply and without needing to say much, they can move in sync, without regret. Not only in spins and tilts, but in mouths against mouths, always chaste, nothing more. Because understanding everything means Zeren can feel his hesitance when they kiss, can feel the way he holds himself back, and knows not to push. 

This lack of pressure from the younger male, knowing that Zeren would support him no matter what choice he makes, is what truly warms Yanchen's heart. He's his friend first, kind of like how Yanjun is, but at the same time his friendship with either of them is entirely different. 

It's more similar to how he interacts with Zhengting, but it's like an inverse. Where things are simple with Zeren, everything associated with Zhengting is complicated, where he knows what the other wants, with Zhengting he has no idea. Yanchen's never considered himself the type of person to choose something safe over the unknown, yet he can't shake the feeling that he's settling. 

It's a horrible way to see one of the few people in his life that have ever truly seen him, but if he's being honest with himself, which he almost always is, being with Zeren without sorting out what he was feeling with Zhengting would be a mistake.

Sometimes though, deep down where he'll never admit it, he wants both. Late at night when he sleeps alone, with Linkai and Xingjie being happy with honestly being on the show to just make friends, he wonders if it's selfish of him to want it. But ingrained in his bones, a hunger lingers and it's moments like right now, with Zeren showing his worry and the sound of "Sheep" carrying through the open door, that he can't wonder if Atlas really struggled to hold up the weight of the sky. Or if the Titan couldn't choose what to be crushed by.

"Zeren?" Yanchen asks, what question he's going to ask is a mystery to even himself. The pause between his words drags out, but nothing from the younger interrupts him, like always, Zeren gives him time to think. "Do you-"

"Guys?"

It's Zhengting, his blond hair sticking up from running his hands through it, and cheeks painted with the flush of practice. He stands in sweats and a t-shirt like they were custom made for him, every movement as he steps through the door perfectly enunciating his natural grace. 

"Sorry", Zhengting smiles sheepishly at them, "As a mom I feel the need to collect my children."

"It's fine." Yanchen responds, smile already present on his face widening because Zhengting is adorably shy sometimes. It's one of the cuter things about him. 

They remain that way for so long it's almost uncomfortable, both of them are grinning while Zeren sits in between them. The back of his neck is beginning to hurt, but Yanchen can't bring himself to mind. Their gaze is noticeably broken when the youngest male clears his throat, brown eyes darting back and forth as he brings his body back into standing position. Yanchen can't help but feel a pang of remorse for oogling someone that Zeren's looked up to in his company right in front of him, especially when it's Zhengting of all people. 

"You better get to bed soon", Zeren threatens from where he stands next to Zhengting, lifting a skinny arm to flash two fingers from his eyes back at him, "Or else." 

"Mmm", Zhengting hums in agreement, his brows pulled closer together in concern, "Don't overwork yourself." 

"I won't", Yanchen promises, the lie pushed out past his teeth without a second spent thinking about it. At this point it's instinctual, especially with the performance looming so close. 

"Woah, you actually agreed without argument for once", Zeren points out as he finishes a swig of vitamin water, "Maybe I should bring Ting-ge in here more often..." 

Yanchen doesn't want to admit that it's because Zeren can read him too easily, that normally such quick appeasement was met with more cajoling as the younger didn't trust him to tell the truth. With Zhengting's presence he agrees, if only out of guilt for forcing Zeren to be around them and their unsolved tension. 

The two YueHua members walk out the door, and Yanchen gets back onto his feet. Cue the music. 

\-- 

Zhangjing had been having a fairly confusing day, first he'd had to deal with the gay crisis Yanjun had dropped into his lap last night. He couldn't figure out what had driven the other to kiss him, and screw what he'd said in the past, Yanjun's lips had been so close to his that it barely counted as a cheek kiss! It was like every time he tried to get over Yanjun, his perfect, wonderful, stupidly handsome best friend just had to do something that drew him back in again. 

He'd been so ready just to cuddle into Yanjun's warmth and forget about everything that'd happened between them since he'd had almost two hours to reflect while the younger was in the shower. But then that silly boy had tried to avoid sleeping with him, despite obviously not wanting to sleep by himself. Calling out for his best friend had been instinctual, what ever Yanjun was doing was not going to affect how he slept that night, uh uh! 

Is it a bad sign that Zhangjing isn't entirely sure he can sleep well without Yanjun any more? Does that show some codependency issues he might have to address sooner or later? No comment, but he'll probably spill it all to Chaoze sooner or later at lunch so. 

After waking up with his face buried in Yanjun's soft brunette nest of bed head, smelling like the extravagant hair products Yanjun liked to put in it, and yet also strangely like the shampoo he owned, Zhangjing had given up on extracting himself without waking up his best friend. The younger had curled his arms around Zhangjing's waist, while his legs were pinned by the other's slightly longer ones, and they laid chest to chest. 

"Yanjun", he'd whispered, indirectly brushing his lips against Yanjun's forehead since there wasn't any way for him to lean back, and no way would he do a sit-up with another person on top of him, "C'moooooon I want to go eat." 

"You always wanna eat..." Yanjun's sleep blurred eyes greeted him as they narrowed to adjust in the morning light, his voice was slightly husky which sent goosebumps breaking out across all of Zhanjing's skin as he lightly raised his head to look at the elder. 

"Funny thing is Mr. Smartie-pants", Zhangjing scolded, ignoring the way his shirt creases had left red lines on one of Yanjun's cheeks and how cute that was, "I have to eat daily, so get off me." 

"No" Yanjun declined, his head dropping back down to Zhanjing's chest as his arms tightened around him, his sleep shirt had ridden up enough that his bare back was exposed to Yanjun's warm forearms. One of Yanjun's hands traced patterns into his exposed side, running over the bumps of his ribs to the dip of his hipbones, the movement causing his stomach to suck itself in slightly in reaction to the sensitive skin being tickled. "Let's stay." 

"F-fine..." Zhangjing choked out, trying to not let how much those little caresses were affecting him, especially since he was sure Yanjun thought nothing of it. Just like Yanjun didn't think twice about sleeping only in a tank top and boxers, or how the little mole on the dip of his golden right shoulder was incredibly distracting to other people. "If there isn't anything good left to eat because of you, you better get me something from the convenience store." 

"Of course" Yanjun responded, already heading back to dream land as his lips gently dragged against Zhangjing's collar bones. Zhangjing felt warmth engulf him at the sweet sight of his best friend looking so soft and small, instantly he felt tired too. Almost too tired to miss the "Anything for you." that followed. 

A wry grin exposed his teeth as Zhangjing cuddled closer to Yanjun, he really was whipped for this boy. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The second update will probably come later in the morning, this is really short though so it'll be longer to make up for that.


	9. Jealousy?

Yanjun watches Zhangjing inhale congee with cut up egg like it's free caviar, he's sitting across from Zhangjing with Chaoze next to him. The tan little superman wrinkles his nose at the gross slurping sounds that come from his best friend's spoon, but honestly he would like to him eat that fast without making any noise. 

His own breakfast is just some sponsored Kellogg's cereal and milk, cold just like him. ;) Yanjun doesn't mind the relatively simple fare the staff provides for them, unlike most trainees if he wants something more satisfying, he's always ready to sneak out to the convenience store. The running punishment keeps him fit anyways. 

Zhangjing finally sets his bowl down on the table with a loud clink against the surface, his shirt has a little bit of congee dribbling down the front, but it's nothing compared to his face. Yanjun can feel his eyes widen at the utter mess that his best friend has created, the sides of his mouth have rice caked on. There's grains in his loose bangs, and a smudge of congee on one of his cheekbones. 

"What are you doing?" Chaoze hisses, their leader showing his actual command rank for once as he hurriedly reprimands Zhangjing. 

Zhangjing however, just keeps on laughing at their fussy friend's antics and Yanjun laughs along with him. Anytime his best friend's laughter rings through the air, it's like a magnetic pull causes him to laugh too.

"Jing-ge, you have a bunch of congee on your face!" Zheng Ruibin, aka the "pRetTy vOcAlIsT" who's younger than all of them, comes and sits down on the same side as Zhangjing. He takes a napkin from Chaoze's pile of freaky neatness and uses it to dab the wet rice from his best friend's face. 

They're making eye contact, Zhangjing's sweet brown meeting Ruibin's whiskey colored circle lenses, and their faces are eerily close. It's not like the act of wiping someone's face clean requires detail work, honestly! Ruibin's job is done, all the congee is now on the napkin that isn't even touching Zhangjing's skin, but his hand is still lingering nearby. 

Yanjun coughs, chest oddly tight and a slow burn making its way down his throat. The sound is loud enough to make Ruibin jump, an unfairly attractive blush spreading across his pretty cheeks while a v-shaped smile makes his stupid heart shaped face even more delicate looking. The younger man sets the napkin on the table top, his sleeves not long enough for his stupid gangly arms exposing the veins on the tops of his hands that pop slightly under the cafeteria lights, thanks to his pale complexion. 

Zhangjing thanks the "Stomach" team member and smiles up at Yanjun from across the table. From his height, Yanjun can see that their thighs are pressed together, distracting from his favorite smile in the whole world. 

"Don't get sick idiot" He warns, tiny and smol hands peeking out from his yellow jumper as he points accusingly at Yanjun, "Or you're sleeping in your own bed."

"Will you tie me to it if I listen to you?" Yanjun blurts out, the flirtations are a normal thing in their friendship, but this line makes his ears burn for some reason. The feelings he has for his best friend are trying to make him embarrassed about something he's never been ashamed about, probably because there used to not be any feelings in it at all, he guessed, "I promise I can be good."

A very small part of him that must like heartache, forces him to smile with full dimples as Zhangjing chokes on air as a response to the line. Another (jealous) part of him is pleased at how Ruibin scoots away from the Malaysian as soon as his sentence ends. 

Most of him, sadly, is focused on Chaoze's furious series of smacks on his shoulder for being "greasy" and "inappropriate" in front of Ruibin.

All of him however, doesn't regret a thing. 

"Hey!" Dinghao returns to his seat on Zhangjing's left. His team member has claimed he'd hadn't seen Zhanjing in "forever" which was the only reason Yanjun wasn't seated next to his best friend, having to settle for being directly across from him. 

The older man, with a face made for sunshine that belongs to child, reaches for Zhangjing's left hand and intertwines their fingers together. He does it seemingly without thought as his other hand holds the banana he went to go get. He raises both of their hands to poke Yanjun's forehead, saying "Li Ronghao literally called you ugly for doing that! Stop frowning!"

"I'm not!" Yanjun defended himself immediately, not even noticing when his dark brows had drawn close together. Hands coming up to fix his bangs where both of their knuckles had mussed it up. 

"He really wasn't, Dinghao." Chaoze said, being a beautiful leader and helping him from baseless accusations. "He was too busy smirking at the dirty joke he made." 

"Yanjun? Making a dirty joke? How surprising!" Dinghao pondered in a fake accent, striking a fake quizzical pose, "I need to know what it was before I can come to any conclusions." 

The entire table looks at him now, gazes waiting to see if he'd actually repeat what he'd said. Yanjun pretends to tip an imaginary hat at all of them as he stands up, chirping, "I think I hear Nongnong calling for his favorite gege." 

"Aw, don't leave!" Dinghao pouts at him, but he stops quickly when Zhangjing whispers something, probably the line, into his ear. 

As he walks away even faster, he catches Dinghao's answering shriek of "No wonder your pants look a little tight!" 

Yanjun can't even help the small smirk that curls across his lips when he hears that, even if he doubts its authenticity. 

\-- 

Zhangjing giggled at the rest of his team's antics, they'd been taking turns squishing little Quanzhe's cheeks once the younger boy had allowed them to. Currently Nongnong and Mubo were trying to see if they poked hard enough his skin would swallow the tips of their fingers up in the pits of his cute dimples. All of them wore sweet smiles on their faces, their performance was almost ready and the stress had finally let out. 

He was glad to see them all so happy, especially Linong. He'd grown much closer to Yanjun's favorite didi and he was glad he'd made the effort. Not only did the young boy try hard to improve his dancing skills, he had a wonderfully entrancing voice that made Zhangjing almost ashamed of how squeaky his had been when he was at that age. From teasing him about his weight, but always coming up to make sure he hadn't gone too far with an adorable frown on his little face, to his surprisingly endearing personality while belonging to the same team, Chen Linong had wormed his way into Zhangjing's collection of trainees that he took care of and loved. 

And it's why it worried him so much, when his smiles had dimmed recently. The time he spent in front of the cameras he'd watched as Nongnong grew less enthusiastic and cheery, lacking the bases of personality that he thought of as quintessential for the boy. Every smile seemed tamped down, like he was suffocating every little flame of happiness as soon as they sparked. Zhangjing hoped he'd talk about what was bothering him so much, being on a survival show was tough enough without emotional issues. He would know. 

Quanzhe finally seemed to get bothered by the insatiable pulling and pinching of his cheeks, or maybe he was just bored because he turned the attention on Zhangjing by asking, "Jing-ge, are your cheeks squishy?" 

"..." Zhangjing blinked as hordes of possibilities rushed at him, the worst being that Qin Fen somehow walked in while Mubo was showcasing his soft side without the eldest being able to appreciate it. Seeing as how that wasn't the worst thing he could experience, he shrugged and let a small smile slip out at his team, daring "I don't know... why don't you come and find out?" 

Quanzhe's mouth parted a little in shock at his acquiescence, for a second looking adorably like the hamsters he was always compared to, before he closed it and set his shoulders. The blond boy crossed the short distance between them while Mubo and Linong watched from the sides, he was only slightly! taller than him. Zhangjing felt amusement flicker in his brain as Quanzhe paused before him, poor thing probably didn't know how to start this. All minor superiority he felt vanished in an instant when a pair of pale and tiny hands came to lightly pinched his cheeks. 

"Ge!" Quanzhe exclaimed, eyes going wide and a surprised grin breaking across his face, "Your skin is so soft!" 

"Thank you." Zhangjing responded, as well as he could while his skin was being rolled between Quanzhe's fingers. 

"Zhangjing-ge" Linong suddenly appeared next to him, wondering, "Can we do it too?" 

Zhangjing looked over at Linong and Mubo, they both wore matching hopeful expressions. 

"Both of you?" He asked, tilting his head slightly in confusion. Mubo was very nice just, not this nice. Ever. 

"I like soft things." Mubo shrugged, looking too much like a model for a man who just confessed that he wanted to touch Zhangjing's face. 

"Sure, then" Zhangjing replied, knowing he shouldn't have made the decision on impulse as both of them surged forward. 

Quanzhe let them bat his hands away from their prime location and settled for only one of his hands kneading the flesh closer to Zhangjing's mouth. Nongnong stood at his left with him, poking and pinching his cheek's skin, even pulling at it to see if it stretched. Mubo simply ran the backs of his middle finger joints against the soft skin, slightly tickling him enough to make him smile. Simultaneously they all cooed and Zhangjing has honestly never felt this young before. 

"Um..." Yanjun's voice startled them all as none of them had noticed the brunette enter the practice room. The usually easy going grin had been replaced with a slightly darker expression, similar to the one Dinghao had called "ugly" at breakfast. Zhangjing didn't think it was possible for Yanjun to ever look ugly though, plus that was the face he always made when he couldn't find him. He watched him in the reflection of the mirror come slowly closer, asking "What are you guys doing?" 

"Zhangjing offered to let us feel his cheeks since Quanzhe got tired of us!" Nongnong chirped back, being the only one not to notice Yanjun's oddly loaded tone as both Quanzhe and Mubo had already stepped back. Although Mubo was definitely saying something with his eyes at Yanjun, though Zhangjing couldn't think of what it could me. "They're very soft." 

"Hmm..." Yanjun's voice loomed close in his ear as tan arms, hidden by a Vocal Team's yellow sweater, wrapped themselves around his torso, the entirety of his front pressed against Zhangjing's back, and he rested his chin on the smaller man's shoulder. Zhangjing could feel his cheeks beginning to warm at such an obvious display of affection in front of the others, and their proximity to each other, but all of his thoughts came to a screeching halt as the warm pads of Yanjun's finger tips traced his right cheekbone. Yanjun's fingers pinched his cheek where his tiny dimples formed ever so delicately. Then Yanjun rubbed their cheeks together, Zhangjing's best friend's naturally soft skin felt like touching a cloud where they came into contact. He pressed their cheeks closer and his hug constricted as he remarked, "They are quite soft." 

Other than the fact that Zhangjing now knew what it felt like when Yanjun's dimples were formed directly on his face, he thought he was handling this entire scene pretty well, the light blush he was sporting wasn't even that noticeable. The look Quanzhe threw at him as he relaxed into Yanjun's embrace informed him it was obvious, but it wasn't like Yanjun could see it for obvious reasons, so he was fine. 

WrONG! 

Zhangjing looked down somewhat as he tried to listen to the words Yanjun was unexpectedly pressing into the part of his cheek right next to his ear, unfortunately he'd tuned in too late so he bit his lips and nodded. He hoped what ever he agreed to was something good and not something stupid (read: gay) that'd trap him alone with Yanjun for another practice session. 

"Great!" Yanjun exclaimed, tone happy enough that Zhangjing decided this moment was worth the embarrassment he'd suffered for it, "We're going to go get lunch." 

Yanjun slid off of him and grabbed his right hand, as he was tugged out the door Zhangjing managed to catch a glimpse of his rather stunned looking team mates. Oh well, it was close to lunch break anyways, and he couldn't really concentrate over the roar of his heart singing in joy over a touchy Yanjun. 

\-- 

Lin Yanjun had never eaten a more satisfying lunch, he'd spent the entirety of it breaking Zhangjing's diet by feeding his best friend spoonfuls of his wonton soup, rangoons, and sweet sesame bean buns. They'd eaten outside in the quad, no one else had been around since they'd taken lunch earlier than most of the trainees. They'd sat with their sides glued together, one of his arms slung over Zhanjing's parka covered shoulder while they ate and let the steam from their food waft over their faces. 

Unluckily, Zhangjing's costume for "What I Miss" has been completed and they need him to check if it fits. The two bid good bye knowing that they both probably won't see each other until dress rehearsals later that night, the distraction from the stress of the competition that Zhangjing provides can only stave off the worry for so long. Yanjun's on a team of vocalists, though both Xinchun and Dinghao seem too busy eye fucking to actually compete much for camera time, he's still feeling anxious over being out shined. He knows if he'd chosen rap he would have been fine, if a little less caring towards his group mates, especially if he'd ended up on the infamous "Turn Down For What" team. 

Yanjun likes being a vocalist sometimes, he knows he can sing well and while he's not on his best friend's level, his voice is nothing to sneeze at. Though his passion is rap, he knows he's closer to being an all rounder than a specialist and that suits him just fine. It just makes choosing groups harder during an evaluation like this, because he doesn't feel the need to focus on one skill. He wanted to showcase to his fans something new, something a little unexpected so he chose a sweet love song and ran with it even if all of his team mates are better at being "cute" than him. He has dimples, there's nothing he can't do. 

Plus sometimes when he's sleepy and his eyes are extra soft chocolate brown, warm from comfort and love, he can make Zhangjing blush with just a slight curl of his lips. That's a solid win in his book, and if it's cute to his best friend, his fans will love it. 

\-- 

"Yanjun!" He hears the gasp come from behind as he turns away from fixing his hair in the mirror, his team had already gone up on stage. The vocal mentor had liked what they'd done, and warned only him to keep that ugliness off of his face. To be fair, Yanjun would like to know what Li Ronghao would do if he saw his crush sitting in someone else's lap. In the end it turned out to just be Chaoze, but still. 

"Zhangjing!" Yanjun responds, turning around to behold what his best friend looks like all done up. He'd looked very cute in his suit for "Can't Stop", but that was back when he thought he didn't like his best friend in that way. This time the costume department has given him an over sized white button up with black paint aesthetically splattered on the front and a little black tie, though he's pretty sure Zhangjing's supposed to have actually used it instead of leaving the first four buttons undone. It's unfair Yanjun decides in that moment, that of all the necks, collar bone sets, and smooth expanses of the skin that lies underneath an opened blouse, that You Zhangjing is the the most tempting creature he's ever encountered. The loose black culottes they've dressed him in have matching white dripping paint, while high black socks and shoes make it seem like one piece. 

"You look really good." Zhangjing compliments, his usual smile forming on his soft pink lips that have been highlighted by the lip gloss he's wearing. They've subtly smoked out his eyes with shadows, making them look bigger and darker than normal. 

Belatedly Yanjun realizes he's probably supposed to respond to that instead of oogling his best friend and being a creep, so he says, "Thanks. You too." 

'Thanks. You. Too' God he thinks to himself as Zhangjing only looks amused at his rather lackluster response, how is Yanjun this bad at interaction with him now that Yanjun knows about his feelings for him? Before he'd been fine, before he could have said something nice about Zhangjing's makeup, but now he's just a mess. 

"I mean you look..." Yanjun resolves to fix his mistake and steps closer to him in the hallway, he lifts his hand out to smooth over a wrinkle in Zhangjing's shoulder. He almost lets his hand linger there like it wants to but the shuffling of the cameraman recording them reminds him he isn't alone with him like he wants to be. "...really, really handsome. The white looks great on your skin." 

"Such a flatterer." Zhangjing responds, head turning to the camera, "It's how he gets the ladies, by saying things like this." 

"Oh, that's not how I get the ladies and you know it." Yanjun grins at the wonderful opportunity he'd given him. 

"Tch, that's not what-" Zhangjing starts, but he's cut off by Yanjun tugging him closer by his untied black silk. He stills as Yanjun runs his fingers over the fabric. 

"Do you know what material this is made out of?" Yanjun asks, the line old, but perfect. 

"Boyfriend material, gosh at least be original Yanjun." Zhangjing scolds, eyes darting almost imperceptibly at the camera as his hands come up to push lightly at the front of Yanjun's suit jacket so he'd let go of him. But fuck, now he needs to think of something on the spot. 

"No actually it's a synthetic." Yanjun retorts, proud of what he's come up with on such short notice. He leans in closer, forcing Zhangjing's neck down by pulling on the tie so when he bends his head Zhangjing's ear is right next to his lips. He purrs, "But what's between us baby, is all ~natural~." 

"Ohmygod." Zhangjing rushes out as his hands fist momentarily in his suit jacket, and Yanjun can hear his breath catch ever so slightly when he lets 'baby' roll off his tongue. 

\-- 

Zhangjing is pretty sure Yanjun is trying to kill him right now, because deepening his voice to a 'bedroom consistency' (despite him never needing to be part of that lifestyle) is very attractive and so is breathing on the sensitive skin of his ear. All of which is either part of Yanjun fooling around or he doesn't know what he's doing to Zhangjing right now. Honestly he doesn't know which situation is worse. 

The petname is what does him in though, he's pretty sure he chokes on his tongue and it's, frankly, embarrassing that Yanjun can do this to him without any kind of restraint. Especially since usually his best friend only hits on him once a day, and he already whipped out something raunchier than usual at breakfast. 

It's incredibly unfair that all of this is being done on camera, so he can't even rely on his usual trick of suffocating Yanjun with enough physical affection that he'll get sleepy and stop fucking around. It's even more unfair that Yanjun's bangs are finally long enough again to do a more hazy, puffed out and straightened look, in a suit that outlines the contours and lines of his body unfairly well. He looks like he's about to take someone for a date to a fancy restaurant, being romantic while the swan pattern of the fabric makes him look boyish. 

It's so unfair that You Zhangjing decides to take a little bit of revenge because today has been a lot, even for his usual tolerance for Lin Yanjun's antics. It's that motivation that drives him to push himself away from Yanjun, and step far enough away that he can see his whole body. 

Then slowly, he lets his gaze crawl up the legs Yanjun has toned from running in the military and dancing, along the trim waistline highlighted by the cut of his suit, over the warm hands that always reach out for him, on the biceps that have shrunk from the constant practice and diet food during this program, but still big enough that the suit fabric pinches and folds around their shape, around the tan column of his neck, and ending at the cute big puppy eyes that have been blown wide at his actions. He's twenty four, he knows how to look like he wants to fuck even if he never will again. Zhangjing willingly makes his eyes go half-lidded as he lets himself wet the very seam of his mouth while staring directly at Yanjun's lips, and says "You look beautiful in that suit." with full appreciation felt in his tone. 

The answering blush that blooms so stupendously fast on Yanjun's face makes it all worth it, and since he actually gets flustered by what Zhangjing did, he counts it as a success. The little smile that's revealed though as Yanjun rubs the back of his head while the cameraman leaves, makes Zhangjing's traitorous heart wonder if he actually liked it, because he actually likes him more than a friend. 

But they're alone now, so there's nothing to stop him from smiling at the younger man, skipping back into Yanjun's personal space, scolding Yanjun for his lines, and hugging him. It's mostly to hide the emotions he can't really keep off of his face at the possibility that Yanjun likes him back. Although it's usually something he sees as delusional of him to think, lately Yanjun's behavior has changed enough that it gives him a little bit of hope. 

And as Yanjun's hand strokes the back of his head, smoothing down the curls, and ruining all of the hard work the makeup jiejies had done; he buries his head into his lapels and dares to hope for once.


	10. Before You Say Goodbye Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is my contribution for 521-520, for the people who like what I've made.
> 
> Basically this is just set up for the angst

Zhou Yanchen looks oddly fragile, his heart shaped face suddenly made pale and every breath is painfully slow. They're drawn out like he physically cannot inhale faster, and previously bright eyes now shine like dull glass. He's bundled up in blankets, edges probably tucked by a member of the Grammarie family that remains, with a full bottle of water and protein bars sitting on the mattress next to him. 

The food and drink look virtually untouched, while Yanchen looks like he hasn't moved in hours. His friend looks awful and even if they aren't the closest Yanjun can't stop the sharp stab of guilt, the "what if I'd-" that haunts him every time he sees the dark circles laying underneath the younger man's eyes. 

He's sitting on the bottom bunk next to him, head bowed in order to fit, and his right hand is stroking patterns into the other's left. It's reminiscent of how they first were acquainted, though Yanjun feels safe enough to say that they're closer now. The small talk they'd exchanged had faded into mere nothingness only minutes beforehand, and Yanchen's always been someone who didn't mind quiet, and so the silence hangs as Yanjun gathers his thoughts. 

"Has someone already yelled at you?" Yanjun ventures, not wanting to tire out his friend with nagging, even if it is well deserved. 

"Yeah", Yanchen thinly smiles, in a slightly raspy voice that Yanjun still appreciates for its attractiveness despite the cause for it, "Jie-ge and Linkai held back at the hospital, but Zeren whisper threatened me while I was half asleep." 

"Zeren, huh?" Yanjun smirks, knowing the two of them had grown close due to their team arrangements. 

"Yeah" Yanchen's smile turns soft at the other's name, eyes obviously dopey even to someone like Yanjun, "Zeren brought Zhengting with him, but I think he stayed quiet because scolding me would make him a hypocrite."

"Zhengting came here last night?" Yanjun asks slightly surprised considering that things'd been tense the last time he'd seen them together, but noticing how Yanchen's eyes didn't change even when he switched over to the YueHua leader. 

"Mm, he just stood over there" Yanchen weakly shifted their conjoined hands in the direction of the desks, "and twiddled his thumbs."

"Do you know what they say about guys with big thumbs?" Yanjun grinned, happy at the opportunity Yanchen had unwillingly provided him with. 

"Yanjun I swear to god..." Yanchen frowned at him, dark eyebrows tugging down. 

"Man, that guy has really big thumbs." Yanjun replied, barking out a belt of laughter at the amused huff that left Yanchen's pale lips, "What, did you think I was going to say something bad?"

"Honestly?" Yanchen quirked an eyebrow, "Yes."

"You wound me." Yanjun chuckled, voice unintentionally growing softer as the tension of the situation they were in resurfaced. He looked off to the side and suddely swung his head to face him, "Just....Yanchen?"

"Yeah?" 

"Please take care of yourself" Yanjun requested earnestly, dropping his gaze to study their intertwined fingers, "I know we're only really close because of this" and he accentuated his words with a slightly squeeze of his hand. 

"But you already got me caring about you..." Yanjun continued, heart burning as he thought of his next words and how quickly he'd let his "cold" persona down, "and it hurts me to see you get hurt."

A long pause drew itself out, and right before Yanjun took back his words and apologized for making assumptions about how real their friendship was, Yanchen moved. Sinewy arms shook off their blanket burrito and tugged him into the younger man's chest as Yanchen sat up to meet him. He smelled kind of sweaty, and though it was gross Yanjun ignored it for the sense of relief he felt as he curled his arms delicately around the other's damp torso and rested his chin on Yanchen's shoulder. 

"You're such a softy, ge." Yanchen finally spoke, hands running up and down Yanjun's spine. It reminded Yanjun of the day of the dare, how Yanjun had soothed him with soft caresses back then too. It also made him hope that Yanchen couldn't see the light layer of concealer he still had to put on his neck because bruises stained his skin for longer than most. 

Yanchen exhaled, head bowing forward slightly in the semi darkness of his dorm, "But don't worry. I'll never do this again now that there's so many people who care about me." 

"Good." Yanjun hummed, but, not wanting the intensity to last, joked, "Who would the Z's of YueHua crush on if you left?"

"Now why'd you have to ruin the moment! Now shoo!" Yanchen complained, drawing away from him. Yanjun should have known he wouldn't have let him get away with a joke like that though. "You boyfriend's probably annoyed because you're making him wait to eat his breakfast."

Yanjun squawked his denial of that, studiously ignoring the way the comment made his cheeks warm about how cute it would be if he and Zhanjing ate breakfast together as a /couple/. 

He left the younger still slightly giggling as he walked out of the dorm room. 

The minute he exited the room however, he witnessed Zeren and Zhengting slam open the door of their's and upon seeing him, sheepishly smiled. 

"Were you going to prevent him from going back to the practice rooms?" Yanjun queried as he smiled, head tilting like a curious dog, but his eyes studying them carefully like a cat. 

"Um-" Zhengting stuttered. 

"Essentially, yeah." Zeren admitted, no shame present as he strutted forward to shake Yanjun's hand, "We haven't properly met yet. I'm Ding Zeren and that's Zhu Zhengting."

"Lin Yanjun" He responded, grin widening slightly, "But I already knew Zhengting."

"Hey." Zhengting softly replied as he stepped forward to be next to Zeren, "How's Yanchen?"

"He's good." Yanjun said, finally dropping Zeren's hand and looking his fuck buddy? in the eyes, "He mentioned that you guys checked on him earlier." 

"Oh that's- um-" Zhengting tried to force out a response, but the currently blond boy looked a little flustered. 

Zeren who'd seemed more interested in looking back and forth between the both of them, piped up, "Is he able to see anyone else right now? Or is he too tired?"

Yanjun felt his heart warm a little bit at the genuineness he could perceive within Zeren, "If he let me in, then you guys could throw a rave and he'd still be happy."

He watched as the both of them laughed his joke, though Yanjun was pretty sure only the younger one actually understood what he implied. Sensing their eagerness to end the conversation now that they could go visit, he bid them good bye as he walked down the hallway. 

\--

Zhangjing drummed his fingers against the top of the table, frown marring his soft and delicate features. His stomach growled but he ignored it in favor of wondering where a certain Lin Yanjun was. That boy had left him early in the morning, roused him with his movements, and had had the guts to press a finger against his questioning lips and tell him to go back to bed. Of course the touch had shut him right up, without protest, but he still watched as the still dawning sun illuminated Yanjun's silhouette as the younger walked away from the bed. 

And now, he was twenty minutes late for breakfast. 

Ever since Yanjun had come back from his Taiwan hiatus, they'd almost never not eaten breakfast together. On only 3 occasions had they skipped, twice when Yanjun was sick and a few days ago when Yanchen's stupid face and hands had pulled Yanjun to a different table. However today being a show day meant Zhangjing had to leave early, he just couldn't bring himself to leave the Banana table. 

Chaoze had come down with, but the tan boy was already gone. He'd made fun of Zhangjing's "moping" expression and told him that he was twenty-four and could stand to have some independence. 

Dinghao had arrived second, the brunette had taken one look at his face and the empty table and burst out laughing. 

"What?" Dinghao giggled as he took his seat opposite of him, "Can you not eat without him?"

"Can you not go five minutes without trying to eye fuck Xinchun?" Zhangjing retorted, temper already shorter than usual thanks to the pain in his belly. 

"Oof" Dinghao said, placing a hand over his chest in mock pain, "Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed today."

"Don't be ridiculous, Dinghao" Yanjun's voice sounded suddenly behind him and Zhangjing couldn't help but jump in surprise. Warm arms wrapped around his chest and the rapper's chin dug into the top of his skull as he spoke, "We sleep so close together that there aren't any sides to our bed." 

Unhelpfully Zhangjing' mind repeated "our bed" to himself as his lips slightly quirked up. 

He skillfully turned around on the bench, ready to go eat when he realized Yanjun hadn't stepped away and now not only was his hair mussed up, his face was buried into the other's chest. Warm, was all he thought as his eyelids fluttered closed on instinct, the urge to just cuddle his best friend close was almost overwhelming. Thankfully he almost always wanted to do that when Yanjun was near, so Zhangjing resisted the pull. 

Fake coughing he pulled out of the accidental embrace and ignored the way Dinghao was most likely laughing at them. Before he could ask Yanjun where'd he had gone, or more importantly when they were going to go get food, the younger man invited him to go eat. 

"C'mon, I know you have to be hungry right now." Yanjun said, hands slipping down to grip his own. 

"Oh, he's starving." Dinghao sing songed behind them, "Poor thing's been waiting here for an hour, just looking all pathetic and lonely without his Y-" 

"Don't you have Xinchun to go bother?" Zhangjing hissed, eyes narrowing at the the other trainee, whom at the mere mention of the YueHua boy immediately shhhh-ed them for being too loud.

Laughing at their label mate's reaction, the pair stood up and walked over to the buffet area hand in hand. Zhangjing noticed Yanjun was sporting a pleased little grin on his face, though he no idea from what it could be.

Now, there was one thing both Yanjun and Zhangjing liked to eat, bread. Unfortunately bread is high in calories and for some people, it can lead to acne and bloating. Frankly Zhangjing didn't care if any of that was true, he liked eating bread too much to ever give it up. Yanjun, on the other hand, had just never had to worry about it since he ate clean and healthy food. 

Thus, the Idol Producer staff only put two loaves of sliced bread out every morning, usually by the time Zhangjing could extract himself from cuddly Yanjun the bread was all gone. Today however, was different. 

As they came within sight of the table, Zhangjing's eyes widened as he beheld the last piece of fresh white sliced bread, innocently laying in the other wise empty bread basket. He turned to Yanjun excitedly, but the other was already pulling him over to it faster. Together they grinned in glee, carefully Zhangjing took the heel into his hand and over to the toaster. 

He pushed the lever down as Yanjun fiddled with the time settings one last time, the younger was finicky about these kinds of things. Zhangjing turned to Yanjun, because something had just occurred to him. 

"Yanjun." He said, hip brushing against the counter as he turned to face his best friend. 

"Yeah?" Yanjun replied, turning as well so now both of their hands were interlocked instead of just his left and Yanjun's right. 

"This is the only piece since it's the last one." Zhangjing pouted, because although they could always share, this was the only bread he'd had in weeks. 

"It's alright" Yanjun smiled down at him, one hand coming to smooth over his still messed up hair, "You can have it." 

"You always give me the last piece!" Zhangjing exclaimed, happiness singing in his heart as he finally realized a habit of Yanjun's, he would always give him the remainders of anything even if it was something the younger wanted too. "Would you give me anything if it was the last part of it?" He teased jokingly. 

"Sure" Yanjun snorted, that same hand coming down to stroke the back side of Zhangjing's neck. The mirth previously dancing in his brown eyes seemed to die as Yanjun leaned in closer. 

"I'd give you my heart too, you know." Yanjun spoke tenderly, they made direct eye contact as he continued, "All you'd have to do is ask." 

Zhangjing doesn't really know how to respond to that, a part of him wants to take it seriously, but the other half can't imagine why Yanjun would ever like him back or choose to confess over bread. And so he jokes, "For shame Lin Yanjun, I've been your best friend for years and you can only offer the last dregs of your heart?" 

"The dregs are the deepest, most concentrated, and powerful." Yanjun replied, not even acknowledging Zhangjing's attempt to joke around. "And I did say you'd only get them if you wanted them." 

"Oh, so like coffee..." Zhangjing bit at his lips like he often did when he was feeling nervous, this time noticing the way Yanjun's eyes flicked down to them when he did that. 

Yanjun opened his mouth, suddenly a lot closer than Zhangjing than he thought, those sweet brown eyes captivated him and pinned him in place as he drew even closer. Zhangjing could feel his eyelids grow heavy as the warm breath of his long time love fanned out over his face. Lips brushed against the shell of his ear, and softly Yanjun asked,"Well? Do you want my heart?" 

FOOM! 

Immediately the pair sprung apart, both of their faces as red as a strawberry. Zhangjing awkwardly turned to grab his slice of new toast, feeling his feelings singing choirfuls of love music inside his heart over What had Just happened. Zhangjing so love sick that he completely ignored the longing and sad look Yanjun threw his way as they walked back to the table. 


	11. Before You Say Goodbye Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zhengting realizes an unfortunate truth, and seeks comfort from Yanjun. Unfortunately his definition of comfort is different from what Zhangjing would approve of.
> 
> also slight trigger warning for non consensual kissing, if that makes you uncomfortable scroll to the bottom author notes for a summary of what happens between Yanjun waiting for Zhangjing in the room, and Chaoze taking Zhengting to practice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter 11 summary sounds so stupid if y'all can think of literally anything better I'll love you forever. 
> 
> Also my dumb ass didn't put the first scene of this chapter into the last chapter despite it already being written, so that's why the tone is a little different from the rest of it. 
> 
> This is my attempt at angst. >~< I'm a little nervous because as much as I love incredibly angsty fics where everything goes wrong, I don't want to do that to my baby.

Ding Zeren is kind. Every action he carries out is considerate for those he cares about, every move is dedicated to aiding them, letting them know he cares, and that they are not alone. This is something that Zhengting's noticed about him ever since he met him as a trainee, but this is a new level that he's never seen before. Usually the group of people Zeren watches over only extends to their YueHua family and his own. 

But for Zhou Yanchen, Zeren apparently has a soft spot. 

He stays up late, choreographs dances that aren't in his style just for the ballet trained man, and almost regrets being center instead of him. Zeren coaxes Yanchen from late night practice rooms, and he's the only person Zhengting's ever seen the younger boy lose sleep over. He'd even shed a few tears last night, when he hadn't been allowed to accompany Yanchen to the hospital. As his leader, Zhengting feels a pang of guilt for not picking up on how much the other boy valued his new friend. 

Although they're close, Zhengting's never had to mother Zeren like the other YueHue members. The younger has always been more mature than most, always willing to take responsibility and put in the work. They're both dancers, and they've had enough talks while massaging the other's sore feet or applying Salonpas to the sore muscles they can't reach by themselves. 

Honestly Zhengting feels stupid for never noticing it before. It's glaringly obvious when Zeren can tell without even opening their own dorm door what Yanchen's door sounds like when it's opened. When he leaves behind a blueberry-acai protein bar pile on his bed stand because he claims that the chocolate ones hurt Yanchen's stomach. When he knows which of the hundreds of water bottles in the Grammarie dorm are leaky and how he picks the one that is Yanchen's favorite, because "Ge, have you never noticed the puddles it leaves on the floor before?"

So as Zhengting is coaxed onto the bed of his crush, who looks pale and sweaty despite he was sure the other had been confined to his bed all night; he can't help but note that Zeren is practically sitting in Yanchen's lap while he's been regulated to the foot of the bunk. They look comfortable, like they've done multiple times before and Zhengting's feeling more and more like an outsider despite the smile the raven haired boy keeps flashing at him. 

Though Zhengting considers, it's probably because every time those pearly whites are revealed by his thin parting lips, Zeren's eyes track every movement. It's almost... distracting watching the younger man's eyes dart every which way no matter what happens, the very second Yanchen smiles Zeren immediately zeroes in. An almost dopey expression appears on his face, while his mouth slightly hangs open in a boxy grin. 

"So Yanchen ge, will you be able to perform today?" Zeren tentatively asked, craning his head away from where it had been resting on Yanchen's shoulder. 

"Yes, they assured me that as long as I rest for most of the day, I can practice for an hour or two before and stay the entire recording session.", Yanchen answered, turning away from where he'd been making Zhengting shift uncomfortably with his stare, in order to face Zeren. 

Zhengting softly grinned at the news, he'd been worried that all of the hell Yanchen had put his body through would be for nothing if the older man wouldn't be able to perform. The endless hours of practice and the obvious sleep deprivation all going to waste, would have been painful to stomach. 

"That's good, ge." Zhengting added, watching that as Yanchen turned to him, Zeren laid his head back down into the crook of his neck. Bluntly chopped bangs lightly falling against his forehead, Zeren sent a small smile his way. 

They looked like a pair, perfectly in sync and content with being more physical with each other than Zhengting has seen either men be with any one else. 

And, although Zhengting's used to ignoring the way his insecurity whispers at him, his mind viciously adds "or me". It's a hard thought to shake off. 

"Thank you", Yanchen replies, a yawn splitting his sentence in half, "I'm really excited for this stage, I hope my fans will like it." 

"They will." Both Zeren and Zhengting speak at the same time, the same sentence, nevertheless Zhengting hopes their motivations don't match. 

Zhengting lets his head jerk forward almost imperceptibly so that Zeren will go first. 

"You're an amazing dancer, ge" Zeren responds, his eyes visibly sparkling in the dim light of the bottom bunk. Yanchen's attention is entirely on him, and his smile is a sweet almost invisible upward twist of his lips, as he looks at the younger man. "They'll be able to see how great you are, for sure. " 

"Thank you, Zeren." Yanchen replies, leaning quickly down to Zeren's face. He looks like he's about to kiss him, until both of their eyes startlingly flash to meet Zhengting's. It's so fast, that if Zhengting hadn't been scrutinizing the entire interaction, he would have missed it. Just like he probably would have missed the way Zeren's tongue had come out to wet his plump lips when Yanchen had ducked down. 

Zhengting almost feels embarrassed as Yanchen simply bumps their noses together, giggling in what he can't help but think of as a sheepish way. It's like watching a couple caress each other in public, hard to watch but impossible to look away from. He's one more almost kiss from running out of the room. 

How, how, how could he have been so blind? The lingering touches, Zeren's new high necked shirt, and the time he'd come back from fooling around with Yanjun, when he'd come back to the room before Zeren. Previously he'd thought the other was practicing but now he was pretty where Zeren had gone. 

God, what if they'd touched eachother in the very bed he was sitting on? Zhengting suddenly felt nauseous, his stomach momentarily turned and twisted. He smiled nervously at the pair, whose attention had turned to him the moment he'd let out a minuscule noise of realization. 

"I'm sure you'll be amazing, ge. But only if you get some rest. " Zhengting stammered, almost choking on lost chances and crushed hopes. He ducked his head as he rolled out of the bottom bunk, and sent a hopefully convincing smile at them. "I'll leave so you can." 

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Yanchen make a move to stop him from departing, when it is halted by Zeren. The youngest makes eye contact with him, and Zhengting feels even more guilty as the younger man shakes his head in response to Yanchen's unasked question. Zeren's always been so understanding and perceptive, and Zhengting knows without a doubt that he'd known about his feelings for Yanchen. 

Ding Zeren is kind and selfless, he's the sweetest and most capable trainee. And he was so kind that he didn't tell Zhengting how he felt about Yanchen. Kind enough to let him chase after the boy he probably loves and watched as said boy flirted back with him. Even kinder then, that he left the decision up to Zhengting, of which YueHua member vied for Yanchen's heart. He let him figure it out, and when Zeren saw how he'd finally noticed, he was kind when he stopped Yanchen from going after him. 

And though he feels like his heart is breaking, Zhengting can't help but repay that kindness when it's so obvious to him what the right choice to make is. So he leaves, just barely holding his tears back long enough to get out of the door and lets Yanchen go. 

After all, those who are kind deserve to be happy. 

\-- 

There aren't any cameras near the bathrooms, the hallway is shaped like an "L". Only one is mounted on the wall right before the corner, and it's blind spot is massive since it's only supposed to be focused on the bathroom door and nothing else. Since they're constantly micced, it's not like a recording of an ajar door with their voices playing over it will flop if they do need portray whatever happens in the bathrooms for the episode. 

It seems though, that IQIYI understands some things are meant to be private. They're allowed to check Weibo every week when they have their phones, and nothing about what happens in there ever gets out. 

It's not just an empty hallway with a single door however, there's something akin to a powder room as well. It's door is parallel the bathroom entrance, and it's probably meant to be for last minute touch ups for makeup, or crying where no one can interrupt you. There's mirrors and couches, even a window you can open. 

Because although there were hundreds of hidden cameras in it during auditions, the staff quietly took them out without fanfare so that the trainees could have somewhere to go and be alone. It's a small act of kindness that a lot of the trainees appreciate. 

However, it's also one of the few noncommual rooms without any cameras, that has a locking door. Over time it's become an unofficial official hook up spot ever since Mu Ziyang had taken one look at it before their first Song Selection and made the worst dirty joke to Ling Chao. 

Due to the room's duality in nature, it's almost taboo to be seen in it, because you're either breaking down or fucking and there's no in between. Most trainees have a tendency to avoid it, even if the bathroom across from it is closest to the cafeteria and the only one on the first floor. They all just know it's not a room to casually go into. 

Unless of course, your name is Lin Yanjun. 

He's waiting for Zhangjing, who claimed to have upset his stomach after a much longer breakfast then either of them realized. Looking down at his left hand, Yanjun's using his other nails to push back his cuticles. After a few seconds of waiting in the hallway he'd gone inside, sat on the window ledge with his legs dangling, and left the door wide open. 

It's loud in this room, with the window ajar he can hear every AC unit the building has running at full blast so that the practice rooms don't feel like jungles. The noise drowns out any sounds from the hallway, something he's found to be annoying in the past. It'd been incredibly awkward to have unlocked that door back in January after sucking off Feitong, only to find out that Xiao Gui was awkwardly waiting for Xingjie. Yanjun had originally thought the overwhelming sound was useful, whoever and what ever he was with could be as loud as they dared and the camera wouldn't catch it. The horribly awkward encounters he always has after fucking around in here though, are what made him migrate to the practice rooms in the first place. 

So when Zhu Zhengting comes running into the room, hand almost slamming the door shut behind him; but the full body freeze he does after seeing Yanjun just lets the door bump gently against the door frame and slowly drift to about halfway open, he isn't quite sure what the boy is there for. Whether or not those flushed cheeks are from want or ruddy from tears, the answer isn't made any clearer by the way Zhengting stalks up to him. 

You see, Lin Yanjun may not be close with more than five trainees, but he's definitely slept around with enough of them that his attitude towards hook ups is pretty well known, even among the trainees he hasn't even talked to formally. This reputation is the only reason he didn't insist on talking to Zhengting after what they'd done in the practice room, he'd assumed the younger man had known what was up. Now though, with all of his newly realized feelings for Zhangjing, he wished he had. 

He isn't sure what he should do as Zhengting all but collapses into his arms, they aren't really friends the way Yanchen and him are, yet he can't just shove the younger man off of him. Gangly limbs wrap around his shoulders as the younger man positions himself between his legs, Zhengting is... giving him a hug? 

Albeit Yanjun is definitely confused, he returns the embrace and gives little pats to the YueHua member's back once he notices that Zhengting is trembling. Other than the buzzing of the AC units, the room is filled with the noise of Zhengting's choked breathing and by the sound of it, sobs...?

"Zhengting?" Yanjun tries, wanting to get to the bottom of this as quickly as possible since today is show day and he's also pretty sure that Zhengting didn't mean to bump into him in this room. 

Instead of answering him, Zhengting just pulls away from where his chin had been digging into Yanjun's back and simply blinks. The other's eyes are glassy, red rimmed and he looks upset. Yanjun can feel his hands anxiously fidget from where they're looped behind his neck as he nervously bites at his lips. 

"Do you need some help?" Yanjun asks, attempting to keep his voice gentle and soft so as not to scare him off. He moves his hands from their hanging position after Zhengting had accidentally shaken them off, and lightly places them on his shoulders. "I could go get Xinchun, he's already in the practice rooms." 

"No!" Zhengting denies, his head moving back and forward, "Don't get any one from YueHua, please." 

"Yanchen, maybe?" Yanjun proposes, mind moving on to the only other trainee close to Zhengting that he could convince to accompany him without telling him why, as Xukun would probably shrug him off entirely. His suggestion though, only seems to upset Zhengting further. 

"N-no..." Zhengting murmurs, head hanging low as he moves closer to Yanjun, "I can't see him right now." 

"Then who-" Yanjun attempts to ask, but before he can finish Zhengting surges forward to kiss him. 

"Mmph-" Is all Yanjun can get out as Zhengting slots their mouths together, taking advantage of the fact that his mouth was open to lick hotly into it. Shock makes Yanjun stay stock still as Zhengting's hands fist themselves into his hair to tug his head back, deepening their wet kiss and fucking his tongue into his mouth. He presses Yanjun's body fully against the window frame, and sucks his bottom lip into his mouth, hard. It makes Yanjun's toes curl, but more from discomfort than pleasure. 

Yanjun tightens his grip on Zhengting's shoulders and pushes him back, millions of questions racing through his mind as he pants to catch his breath back from where Zhengting had stolen it. The other boy ignores his silent protest and ducks his down to fan hot breath across Yanjun's neck, tilting his head to the side to expose more skin. 

"Please." Zhengting gasps, pressing kisses and sucking at the sensitive flesh of Yanjun's neck, "Please, I just-" 

And fuck, Yanjun can't help it that that's his weakness. That a pretty boy begging for him makes his knees weak, and searing lips against his neck makes his eyes flutter closed. He lets out a groan past his lips, for a moment overwhelmed by everything. 

But a moment is all it takes, mere seconds really, and every thing falls apart. 

Because when Yanjun sharply inhales and snaps his eyes open, real opposition to whatever this is readily formed, he makes eye contact with Zhangjing. Zhangjing who's standing in the doorway, entrance to the room hidden by the buzzing of hundreds of fan blades right outside; his mouth has dropped slightly open and his doe brown eyes are blown wide. 

Before he can do anything, his best friend and strongest crush, maybe even love, turns and sprints down the hallway, taking Yanjun's heart with him. 

\-- 

Zhengting hears the noise Yanjun makes, not a deeper groan like the one he'd made just now, but one more akin to a sound of suffering. He pulls back, takes in the older man's flushed cheeks, the way his breaths puff past plump, shiny with spit, and kiss bruised lips. His brown hair is in complete disarray from where Zhengting still has his hands grasped in it, which he carefully lowers back onto his shoulders. Normally he would feel pleased about riling Yanjun up to the point in which he got the other panting and squirming, pinned against a wall with him between his legs like this, but nothing about this is normal. 

Yanjun's eyes are gleaming, framed by dark frowning eyebrows, and Zhengting realizes that as desperate as he was for the comfort Yanjun could provide; he really should have asked for consent. It should have been obvious when Yanjun had first pushed him back, eyebrows already furrowed, but he'd thought the other was going to ask him what he was upset about. 

Zhengting feels horrible, he can't believe he's done such a terrible thing. He's a crybaby by nature and because he was already emotional it's almost impossible to stop the tears from rolling down his cheeks as he profusely apologizes, "Yanjun, yanjun, I'm so so so sorry." 

It takes a second for Yanjun to stop focusing on the doorway behind him, but when he does the other man just slowly says, "...what?" 

"I should have asked first, Yanjun. I'm so sorry." Zhengting explains, fighting the pain in his throat that he always gets when he cries, "You put your arms around me, I thought you were okay with it, but I should have gotten verbal consent. Yanjun ge, please forgive me. I'm so so so sorry." 

"Oh" Yanjun breathes, eyes visibly expanding. He reaches up and draws the undeserving Zhengting into a tight hug, "Zhengting you didn't... well, you did... but- I-" 

He pauses, and Zhengting can feel him swallow against his shoulder, "I didn't ask you back in the practice rooms, right? But you kissed back so I continued. " 

Zhengting hastily interjects, "But you didn't kiss me back, so I- I-" 

"Shhh, you didn't okay, Zhengting?" Yanjun assures him, "You're not entirely in the clear, but you stopped pretty quickly after it was obvious I wasn't into it. That's the best thing you could have done, and that's what you did. I forgive you. "

"O-okay." Zhengting tearfully agrees, relief flooding his heart and allowing him to send a shaky smile Yanjun's way as he pulls back from the embrace, "Thank you for forgiving me." 

"You're welcome... Just always remember to ask..." Yanjun trails off, and he almost looks suspicious of Zhengting as he narrows his eyes and changes the subject, "But what got you so upset in the first place?" 

"I will and um..." Zhengting swallows, the question bitterly reminding him of what he'd realized in Yanchen's room, "I kind of liked Yanchen-" 

"Really?" Yanjun asked, interrupting him. 

"Yes." Zhengting replied, "But now I think Zeren likes him too and honestly they're probably already together and it was stupid of me to get my hopes up."

"Hey... you're not stupid Zhengting" Yanjun disagrees, "Did either of them actually tell you how they felt?" 

"No", Zhengting couldn't help but pout, "But they almost kissed in front of me, so..." 

"Damn, well that's pretty incriminating." Yanjun whistled, "Still though, if you liked him enough to let the thought of him being with someone else upset you this much, maybe you should actually talk to him about it." 

Before Zhengting can answer that, the sound of someone clearing their throat causes both of them to startle away from each other. He turns to find Chaoze with his arms crossed and a foot tapping the bpm exact of "Sheep"'s first verse against the floor, a judgemental look on his face. From behind him he can hear Yanjun curse lowly under his breath, "Again?". Although he has no idea what that could be referring to. 

"Hello Chaoze" He chirps, choosing to ignore Yanjun for now, "Do you need me now?" 

"Yes", the short man sounds rather annoyed to be honest, and Zhengting can't blame him since he's their center and it's already late in the morning, "Practice needs to start." 

"Alright" Zhengting responds, walking away from the window and joining Chaoze by the door. When he turns back as he exits, Yanjun is still sitting on the window sill so he gives him a goodbye too, "Thank you for the advice Yanjun ge, and again I'm sorry for before." 

Guilt tugs at his stomach even when Yanjun waves his arms at him and shouts that he's already been forgiven, because his tan neck still glints silver under the fluorescent mirror lights with saliva. 

\-- 

It's show day, all of the trainees have to spend the last hours up to the performance honing their skills and going over every detail with a fine tooth comb. Today is their chance to show the Citizen Producers what they've accomplished since they last saw them 

As such, Yanjun has to be with his team the entire day after Chaoze had found him with Zhengting. He skips lunch, preferring to snack on protein bars and rest his voice in the practice room, taking a quick cat nap with Xinchun still frantically going over their lines as a lullaby. What he desperately wants is to go find Zhangjing and explain himself, because he'd looked oddly hurt when he'd fled the room and Yanjun needed to check on him. Ordinarily his motivation would have stopped at just that, but ever since he'd realized the depth of his feelings for his best friend, their relationship has changed. 

Flirting with Zhangjing over the years has caused him to get used to the way a faint blush has always dusted his cute, squishy cheeks, but never before has it ever gotten the other to flirt back, or turn completely red like a tomato, until recently. Hugs from behind, almost kisses, and waking up beside him, all positively received by the other man, have given Yanjun some hope that Zhangjing likes him as more than a friend. Because now he wants to know if Zhangjing looked hurt because of what he'd said this morning, only to find him with another boy only a few minutes later.

Sadly, he has to wait until they're all backstage before he can even catch a glimpse of his best friend. Every time they make eye contact, Zhangjing looks away from him and turns. Every time he approaches where Zhangjing is sitting with his team, suddenly the Malaysian is needed elsewhere or he just plainly stands up and walks away. Eventually Yanjun takes the hint and lets the other man be, staying back with Jeffrey and trying to ignore the way Xinchun checks out Dinghao's ass every time he bends over. 

Yanjun's walking back from where the staff stores the Nongfu Vitamin Spring Water, a bottle in his hand and another one for Zhangjing in his favorite flavour, because maybe he'll let him come close if he actually has a purpose. Before he can enter the waiting area, he meets Nongnong in the hallway. The younger man has an uncharacteristically frowny face as he notices Yanjun's approach. 

"Ge, did you and Jing-ge have a fight today?" Nongnong asks, adorable even with the question he's asking. 

"No, why do you ask?" Yanjun replies, head tilting to the side, "Did he say we did?" 

"No... he's just been quiet and somber all day." Nongnong confesses, "He seemed upset but he won't tell me why." 

"Okay..." Yanjun's heart jumps in excitement, because maybe, maybe, Zhangjing's upset because he likes him back and didn't want him being with other guys. "Thank you for telling me Nongnong, I'll check on him if he lets me." 

"Okay, ge." Nongong smiles his sunshine smile and continues on his way. 

It takes fifty more minutes but finally, only ten minutes before the "What I Miss" team is slotted to perform, does Yanjun get Zhangjing alone with him in a random backstage storage room. The older man keeps glancing at the door, like he would like nothing more than to flee. They boy shift uncomfortably in a horribly awkward silence, every word Yanjun meant to say evaporating on his tongue as his hopes that Zhangjing returns his feelings dwindle and dwindle the more and more Zhangjing looks like he doesn't want to be here. 

"Yanjun..." Zhangjing eventually sighs, crossing his arms and looking slightly up at him, "What do you-" 

"Are you mad at me?" Yanjun blurts out, unable to stop himself from letting his worry leak into his voice. 

"What?" Zhangjing asks, looking astounded at the fact he thought he was. His small mouth falls open and then immediately closes, and then, strangely his eyes grow soft and watery. A minuscule smile forms on his trembling lips and the breath he inhales sounds shaky at best, "I could never be mad at you for that, Yanjun." 

The thing is, Yanjun really really wants to know what "that" the other is referring to, but he doesn't know how to ask. Zhangjing steps forward and abruptly pulls him into a firm hug, forcing him to stoop down in order to return it. 

"We're best friends" Zhangjing whispers near his ear, his voice sounding oddly close to tears and Yanjun's never been more confused. Too bad he can't see his face, the elder always lets his emotions carry through his emotive features which is why he can never hide anything from him. The way he says they're best friends though, irks him in a way he can't describe. Maybe it's because Zhangjing's gotten mad at him plenty of times before, and them being best friends has never stopped him before. It'd be a lot more helpful if he knew what exactly "that" was, because them being best friends is why Zhangjing can't be mad at him. 

Before he can say anything, Zhanjing continues while shaking his head, "Why would I ever be mad at you for that?" 

To Yanjun at least, it doesn't sound like he actually wants him to answer, like the question isn't meant for him. And again, with the "that" that Zhangjing seems intent on never actually stating. 

\-- 

Zhangjing pulls away from possibly the greatest love of his life, letting Yanjun's arms rest on his back as he takes a breath to steady himself. He commands, "Watch my performance. Okay?" 

Yanjun's still looking at him with that adorable little frown he always gets when Zhangjing's done something to confuse him, but this time he can't explain it to him. The younger man slowly nods, opens his mouth like he's going to ask him something, but shuts it just as quickly. Zhangjing's glad he didn't, he doesn't think he could say anything else without crying. 

He fully steps out of the pseudo hug, and turns away to quickly exit the room, leaving Yanjun standing there alone. It's eerily similar to what happened this morning, but as he walks swiftly to where the performing team waits backstage he reminds himself that it's not his business to care if Yanjun remains as such. 

Seeing him with Zhengting had been a wake up call to Zhangjing, a cold shock that took him out of his Yanjun love induced haze. The younger man isn't his to keep, not the way he wants to; and as wonderful as it had been, pretending that having Yanjun love him back was possible, it was far past time to return to reality. It'd been so sweet at breakfast too, his heart had been utterly captured by Yanjun's sweet offering only for it to crack at the sight of that damned dancer between Yanjun's legs. He needed to accept that that's all it would ever be between them, platonic. As long as he could have some closure Zhangjing was sure he could continue on loving Yanjun as a friend and letting this pathetic, one side caricature of romance die. 

Closure, is what he hoped to achieve by having Yanjun watch him tonight. "What I Miss" is the perfect song to say goodbye to his romantic feelings for his best friend, and Zhangjing's going to sing just for him on stage. 

He quickly arrives to where the rest of his team waits, and shakes off all of their worried glances by making them rehearse as fast as they can before their called. 

All too soon, Zhang PD's voice cues them onstage. He steps out, momentarily blinded by the lights, but rapidly finding the cameras that will record their performance, and by extensions broad cast his singing into the waiting room where Yanjun sits. 

After they introduce them selves, Zhangjing closes his eyes as Mubo's cello solo envelopes the entire stage. It's almost humorous, that only a few days ago Yanjun had performed just for him, in a fake love confession; and now here he was, only seconds away from doing the same thing. It's the coward's way out, having him listen to his performance without knowing how he felt towards him, but Zhangjing's never been good at goodbyes. 

Mubo's voice starts to fade out, it's his lines that come next. Zhangjing takes a deep breath and hopes Yanjun will at least be able to feel how much he loved him, even if the younger would never know that he's what he'll miss most. 

\-- 

Yanjun's sitting in the chair with the best view of the TV the staff has with a live stream of the performances happening onstage, Qin Fen has taken a break from revising with his team to watch his husband perform and is sitting next to him. Together they make noises of appreciation at Mubo's wonderful solo, but Yanjun feels antsy as Zhangjing's the last member to begin singing. He wants to know why Zhangjing was so insistent that he watch, when he knows that Yanjun will always watch him perform and always has. 

And, from the very first beat to the high note that has the rest of the trainees gasping to the very last line he sings, Yanjun is spell bound. It's not the fact that Zhangjing is center, it's the emotion he's managed to put into this performance. He's somehow made a part of Yanjun's heart weep at every motion of his small hands, the captivating steps he takes closer to the foreground of the stage somehow conveying heart break, and every. single. time. that he makes eye contact with the camera, his brown orbs pull Yanjun in, and he drowns in their sweet sincerity. 

But somehow, for the amazing performance it is, Yanjun feels like he's losing something, but he can't think of what it is. Like trying to catch gold flakes in a river, every movement he makes towards figuring it out only pushes it further away. 

It's this sentiment that drives him to ignore his team even further, as he approaches Zhangjing after the older man's mics have been removed. Now that Yanjun stands before him though, he can't think of anything to say, anything to do with the elder's full attention on him feeling like the weight of the world. 

"What was your performance about?" Yanjun asks breathlessly, watching as Zhangjing blinks and then grins, eyes glinting in barely recognizable amusement. He looks like he's about to tease him about not understanding the song lyrics. Words cannot convey how much Yanjun doesn't want him to do that, how desperately he needs to know what Zhangjing was trying to tell him. 

Some of that desperation must leak onto his face, because Zhangjing quickly sobers and answers, "Before I always had a small flame of hope, but now I performed that song finally as someone with something to really miss." 

And because Yanjun's always been able to read his best friend like a book, he quietly replies, "You were saying good bye to it." 

Zhangjing seems pleased with him for being able to decipher that, but he can't quite conceal the sadness that presses against his eyes, outlines the slight downward curve of his mouth, and tugs his eyebrows lower than normal. Yanjun feels irritated at that reaction for some reason, but before he can demand to know what the elder was saying good bye to, Zhengting walks past and informs him that his team is being called. 

It's as he distractedly thanks the other for telling him, that he notices how Zhangjing seems to become more closed off, more cold at the appearance of the dancer. The darkening mood of the other is a slight clue to what it could be, and as the staff yells for him down the hallway, Yanjun's mind finally understands what Zhangjing might be saying. 

Roughly he grabs the other by the shoulders, slightly reveling in the gasp Zhanging lets out because his grip is on the side of painful, and looks him dead in his watery eyes. Yanjun pleads, "You'll watch my performance too, right?" 

"Yanjun, of course I will" Zhangjing responds, tiny hands coming up to bat at his larger ones, "Now let go you're hurting me." 

"Good" Yanjun says, relieved at the other's response. Before the staff start actually start /yelling/ for him, Yanjun darts forward and presses his lips to the corner Zhangjing's mouth. After the peck he quickly says, "Think about what I did, a few days ago, and... and how it made you feel." 

Yanjun regretfully has to run to where his team awaits him, but not before seeing how Zhangjing stands deadly still in the hallway, a shocked expression still frozen on his face. In any other situation, he might have found that amusing but now he just hopes that none of the cameras caught the kiss and that Zhangjing knows him as well as he thinks he does. 

When he steps out onto a pink lit stage, and holds a mike up to his lips, communicating the love he feels for his best friend and hopefully more, he desperately hopes Zhangjing can truly hear him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> K so for the people who couldn't read the middle part, basically Zhengting kisses Yanjun without asking and for the millisecond that it lasts, Zhangjing sees them together. Immediately after Zhengting apologizes and they have a talk about consent. 
> 
> Now, I hope y'all like this I know it's late but it's also really long. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to every one that comments, y'all really make my day.


	12. Dense

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Yanjun is a soft boy and Zhangjing is the biggest Boo Boo the Fool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gosh I'm so sorry it's literally been a month, time just got away from me, I had exams and my laptop's been broken. 
> 
> However! I know this update is really really short, mostly because I ran a poll on twitter (@miami_mjk) asking if people would want a lot of short updates that come right after eachother or one really long one. I'm on a road trip right now, but I think there'll be 3-4 new updates in the next few days. :) 
> 
> Also thank you so much to every one that commented, i read them all and I didn't want to respond without having something written for y'all.

 

Words drag out slowly, pauses stretch out like taffy, and suspense builds; Yanjun feels his own baited breath catch deep in his throat every time Li Ronghao almost reveals who won Top Vocalist. Out of the corner of his eye, he can see a camera lens focusing in on him, hopefully the Citizen Producers will see his worry as something about his own place, and not his crush's.

Bi Wenjun did well, that was very true, but in his heart Yanjun knows it's not just his own internal bias that cries You Zhangjing deserves first. Zhangjing sang so beautifully, so captivatingly, that Yanjun didn't even notice when the "Always Online" team went on. Though, that might have been because they performed after him, and he'd been too focused on finding Zhangjing who'd disappeared seemingly, into thin air.

He'd come offstage, eyes scanning the crowd of his friends that waited for him to return after the voting results were released. Disappointment over not being in the top, shock over Jeffrey surprisingly being last, were nothing compared to the desperation he possessed to find Zhangjing.

His lips still tingled from the soft warmth of Zhangjing's skin, but no matter where he went backstage, he couldn't find the other boy. The hopeless side of him couldn't help but wonder if he'd already ruined everything, without even saying a word about how he actually felt. Unbidden came doubts about everything he'd thought Zhangjing felt for him, the supposed clear signs that there was mutual interest, all seemed insignificant and petty; he'd never felt so downtrodden and stupid.

So when Nongnong comes up to him, concern written all over his adorable didi's face, when he'd sank to the floor against the wall, he'd felt the weight of his mistakes bearing upon his shoulders. Yanjun'd snapped, knowing that Linong had probably been with Zhangjing, knowing that he couldn't tell him where Zhangjing was, because he'd already asked.

"Did he even watch?" Yanjun had bitterly asked, unwanted feelings slipping into his voice, emotions coloring his words until they felt like fireworks exploding in the air; just as violent and explosive and entirely too loud. He felt the other trainees' eyes on him, but the roaring in his ears made it easier to ignore them. Yanjun knew Nongnong wouldn't judge him, he'd held the younger boy in his arms far too many times as he cried about missing his parents for either of them to be embarrassed about being emotional.

"He watched the whole thing", Nongnong had soothed, crouching down next to him, soft hands patting his closest shoulder. "No one could get him to move from that one spot in the hallway, not even the staff. Eventually Zhengting-ge had to come out and direct people around him, his eyes were rooted on the screen."

"Then where is he?" Yanjun had continued, sobs pressing against the back of his throat, painfully held in. It hurt, it hurt, he'd wrecked everything and the one person he'd needed most wasn't there.

"Why can't I find him? Why isn't he here?" He'd asked, eyes looking blearily at Nongnong, turned into slits so tears wouldn't leak out. His lips were almost bitten raw, a nervous tick of nibbling at them turned harmful the longer he'd ran around looking for Zhangjing.

"I don't know ge...." Nongnong had replied, finally sitting on the floor next to him, his hand still resting on Yanjun's shoulder. Dimly Yanjun noted how good of a friend he was, sitting with him in a random corner of the backstage rooms, away from the cameras, only visible to a few trainees. "He can't hide forever, we're in the same room. What is he going to do, sleep somewhere else?"

It didn't make him feel better, and now as he bore holes into the back of Zhangjing's head, his mind kept running through the possibility of Zhangjing wanting to switch rooms. The possibility that he'd have to learn how to sleep alone again, how to eat breakfast without his best friend, and losing the most important person to him.

"Bi Wenjun" echoes across the entire backstage room they've shoved all the trainees into, and Yanjun watched as the YueHua trainees swarm Wenjun the giant in a fit of glee. He's only a few feet away from Zhangjing, closer than he's been in hours and yet he feels so far away, no soothing touch comes from him because Yanjun doesn't want to consider his best friend rejecting his physical comfort; so he doesn't reach forward at all, making a few feet seem like hundreds of kilometers.

They've been best friends for so long, he can recognize in the disappointed slope of Zhangjing's shoulders that his best friend is so much more let down than what he's allowing to be seen. It makes his heart ache, Yanjun wishes Chaoze was up here with him so someone would at least touch Zhangjing, who looks so lonely next to the giant waving and giggling mass that is YueHua.

"And You Zhangjing!"

Any ache his heart was feeling is immediately forgotten in the sudden rush of pure, unadulterated happiness that he feels when Zhangjing's name is called. He's so so so proud of what his best friend has accomplished, that he's been recognized by the Citizen Producers, that Yanjun momentarily forgets his own heartbreak.

It's instinct mostly, that drives him to lift up a foot and extend a hand, his mouth curving up into a grin before reality comes crashing down upon him like waves on a storming beach; his hand stops mere centimeters away from Zhangjing's shirt before he recedes like the tide. He makes eye contact with Quanzhe as he steps back, the blond boy was the only YueHua trainee not chanting for Bi Wenjun; he'll always appreciate people who appreciate You Zhangjing so Yanjun pretends that the slight smile he's sporting was meant for the younger boy and mouths congrats.

You Zhangjing still stands alone, so it falls to Bi Wenjun to pull him into a side hug. The vocalists make a good duo, tall and short, they look like a pair. If Lin Yanjun's heart hurt any less, he'd even bother to lie to himself that it didn't bother him. The rest of the night he doesn't even try to approach Zhangjing, though he isn't sure he can handle sleeping in his own bed.

It's that sole thought of cold sheets and waking up without someone next to him, that drives Yanjun to promise himself that he'll talk to Zhangjing before lights out. If he's going to lose Zhangjing, he'll do it with Zhangjing knowing exactly what he felt for him, after all Yanjun has sworn to live life without regrets.

After they talk, Yanjun is sure his best friend will still love him enough to let him back into his life, even if his feelings and advances have probably made Zhangjing uncomfortable. Yanjun will apologize for it all, after he makes sure there's nothing between them. He'd be okay with losing all of their skinship just to keep Zhangjing in his life.

\--

One would think that the high of winning first place, of receiving 300 votes, and almost being guaranteed procession into the next round would be able to distract Zhangjing from the confusing mess he's found himself in. But nothing, absolutely nothing can protect him from the storm of emotions he feels brewing in his stomach.

He'd stayed and watched all of Yanjun's performance, had stayed in exact same spot the other had left him in, and felt his wrangled heart brace for another trial. Because Lin Yanjun looked especially gorgeous on that stage, because his eyes were warmer and softer than Zhangjing had ever seen in public (and deep in his chest Something cried that Yanjun only ever looked liked that when he was looking at him), and because he did as Yanjun told him and thought about that kiss in the practice room.

Every word sung by that wonderful and sweet boy, it went straight to his heart; every note made a small smile break out on his face. Zhangjing was sure the staff was annoyed with him, but he had been too focused on Yanjun's soft voice to care; eventually their sounds faded away so someone must've gotten them to leave him alone. He'd made a note to himself to thank who ever it was later.

That kiss in the practice room, the kiss just now, Zhangjing wants to hope that it means Yanjun likes him back, wants to hope that maybe he can get a happy ending. The more practical (and cynical) side of him wonders if Yanjun just wanted reassurance for the performance he'd been worried about giving, after all that's what the kiss in the practice room had been for, right? Yanjun had needed to know how to look like he was in love, he'd even kissed Zhangjing in the exact same spot, what's to say that the younger boy hadn't been stressed about stage presence? He'd probably only wanted Zhangjing to watch it so he could see how well Yanjun could pull it off, the love sick look on Yanjun's face while he sang was identical to how he'd looked at him in that practice room.

'But then he wouldn't have had to kiss you' Zhangjing couldn't help but think, slight hope rising in him before the sound of applause shattered his concentration. Zhang PD had finished asking the vocalists his MC questions, and was now giving them a chance to appeal to the onsite Citizen Producers.

Jeffrey went first, his shy grin displaying his dimples as he simply said "wo ai ni".

Speaking of dimples, Yanjun had gone next. He'd patted his pockets, looking adorably confused as he failed to procure a finger heart, then reached into Jeffrey's pocket to pull one out. It looked suitably flirty in the best way, just subtle enough for every onsite Citizen Producer to scream in tandem at the action.

It also helped solidify Zhangjing's opinion that Lin Yanjun didn't return his feelings, the younger boy hadn't asked Jeffrey if he could touch him, just like he hadn't asked Zhangjing if he could kiss him. Yanjun did flirty things by instinct, flippantly and without concern, kisses that weren't even on the lips probably didn't mean anything to him. After all Yanjun had been fine with him kissing the hickies on his neck only a few days ago, which was noticeably not a platonic thing to do, and yet the fact that he hadn't reacted only further proved that the younger boy didn't see kissing as a romantic action.

But even as Zhangjing convinced himself that loving Lin Yanjun was a lost cause, returning once more to that lonely state of hopelessness that he'd occupied before his performance before Yanjun had gone and fucked up his poetic farewell to their love with his meaningless kiss that had gotten him hoping again; when the staff announced to alert the film crew in the Poll Announcement Room that the vocalists would be leaving the stage, he panicked. Because Zhangjing was a romantic at heart, and no matter how hard he pushed it down, a small amount of hope remained.

Thus he had ran to go hide, his presence would certainly not be missed by the staff he'd probably pissed off by not moving in the hallway, and hoped that Lin Yanjun would not find him. Zhangjing had had no idea what to say to the younger boy, no clue how to phrase that when you were probably trying to get performance tips; I was in love with you??? The whole time? So he did did what he hated most in the world, and avoided Yanjun.

He'd expected the other boy to hug him when he'd won Top Vocalist, but strangely enough Yanjun hadn't even spoken to him since the performance. Stranger still, was the shockingly large amount of trainees coming up to him as he walked back to the dorms (alone, because Yanjun wasn't walking with him for once) asking if Yanjun was okay, saying that they'd thought they'd seen the younger boy looking distraught earlier. Zhangjing had only smiled at them, telling them not to worry while his own mind ran itself into the ground trying to figure out what had happened. It was the first time he'd ever come close to being ignored by Yanjun, and he didn't know what to think about that.

So now, as the two of them brushed their teeth in the large communal dorm bathroom, all alone together because it was late and almost everyone was too lazy to walk all the way down when they could just as easily wait for their private dorm bathrooms to open up, Zhangjing tried to figure out how Yanjun was feeling. It was no easy task, considering the younger boy had barely spoken a word to him, only making the occasional hum. They stood shoulder to shoulder, yet a clear distance was between their bodies as they both looked into the large wall mirror in front of them.

Zhangjing was rubbing his toothbrush back and forth on his front teeth when Yanjun finally said something, breaking the slightly uncomfortable silence that had filled the room.

"You know how I feel about you, right?" Yanjun had asked, having quickly brushed his teeth leaving Zhangjing alone to almost choke on toothpaste foam at the question. Oh god, was the reason Yanjun had looked upset tonight was because he'd figured how Zhangjing felt about him? Oh fuck, oh shit, alarm filled his entire body as he calmly nodded, not trusting his mouth to say anything.

"And you know that I love you?" Yanjun had continued, looking down to meet Zhangjing's eyes. A feat that was easier said than done because Zhangjing kept looking away from those captivating dark irises.

"Ub cworse" Zhangjing mumbled, mouth full of foam and spit and feeling ultimately super gross, "I wove you twoo."

Yanjun smiled at his almost unintelligible speech, before sobering quickly. Quietly he added, "But you don't love me the way I love you."

It wasn't a question, Zhangjing noticed, Yanjun said it like a fact , and Zhangjing knew in that moment he couldn't try to lie to his best friend anymore. So he hummed an affirmative, and tried to focus on the younger boy's next words over the sound of his hopes deflating.

"And you're okay with how I feel?" Yanjun questioned him, concern clearly reflected in his eyes that always showcased how the younger boy felt. Zhangjing tried to say "Yes" but remembering how horrible his speech came out last time, he simply hummed again. Of course he's okay with Yanjun liking him as a friend, it's what they were first after all.

"Do you think you could ever like me the way I like you?" Yanjun questioned, his voice oddly small for someone asking such a ridiculous question. Of course Zhangjing already liked him like a friend, that's what they'd been ever since they both signed at BANANA CULTURE ENT. He put a hand on the younger boy's shoulder, and nodded empathetically.

"Really?" Yanjun exclaimed softly, his sweet smile coming back to dance on his lips again. Zhangjing smiled back at him, the younger boy's happiness never failed to brighten his own mood, even now with Yanjun being extremely stupid as if Zhangjing liking him had made their friendship less real.

"Would you let me try to convince you to see us like I do?" Yanjun rushed out, suddenly seeming more animated than he had the entire conversation, almost bouncing on the balls of his feet in front of him.

Zhangjing nodded once more, feeling annoyance at his lack of ability to speak, knowing he wouldn't let himself spit out toothpaste in front of his crush, even if he was basically being told that said crush wanted to teach him how to be friends. It was too unattractive to even consider. He looked up through his dirty fringe at Yanjun, and did his best to smile as he rinsed out his toothbrush.

"Just let me know if anything I do makes you uncomfortable, okay?" Yanjun added, his voice sounding a little worried. Zhangjing just smiled at him through the reflection, watching as the younger boy's body relaxed in the mirror before turning his attention away.

As he vigorously tapped his toothbrush against the side of the sink to get out the excess water, Zhangjing assumed the conversation was over by the lack of sounds coming from Yanjun. A tap on his shoulder got him to turn around, Yanjun's nose gently booped his own, and he felt himself freeze up, almost choking at the minty flavors building up in his mouth and their proximity.

Yanjun's eyes had always been a soft brown, warm and full of adoration every time they'd ever made eye contact, but admittedly nothing had ever compared to the almost literal bursts of joy that Zhangjing could see in them now. Zhangjing watched as Yanjun's captivating eyes dropped down to his lips, and then faster than a jack rabbit, he felt them press gently against his own and his eyes momentarily fluttered closed.

Immediately they snapped open as a tidal wave of confusion washed over him, Zhangjjng looking incredulously up at Yanjun. The younger boy had simply stayed right where he was, lips a hair's breadth away from his own pair, and chuckled "Minty"

Then without another word, he was still shell shocked as Yanjun bolted out of the room.

What just happened?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yes, a cliffhanger but the next chapter is coming tomorrow!
> 
> Also this probably has a lot of grammar mistakes, rip.


	13. Conversations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which both of them are a new level of ignoring what the other person is actually saying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kind of short and bad tbh, but I wanted to get out a chapter if it's too incoherent I'all come and fix it later.
> 
> Edit: lol I did come back and fix it, yikes this is only 1k I'm sorryyyyyyyyy

\--

"So, let me get this right, you and Zhangjing?" Zhengting asked, pointing his plastic fork accusingly at Yanjun from across their circle of friends. The younger dancer had taken to sitting with the "Firewalking" team instead of the "Dream" team in order to avoid Yanchen and Zeren; though the pair hasn't officially announced that they were dating, their sexual tension was obvious even to Yanjun. "You're dating?" 

"No, Not me and Zhangjing." Yanjun answered a little crossly, he'd been a little too happy about the agreement they'd reached last night, leading to an incident this morning. They'd been eating breakfast together as always, Zhangjing was having fruit and yogurt, when the older man had gotten some yogurt on his lower lip. 

Normally Yanjun would have been satisfied with wiping it off on his thumb, taking the chance to stroke the other boy's bottom lip as he did so. However, he'd already woken Zhangjing up by peppering his cheeks with kisses and whispering "Good morning, beautiful" against his lips, and since the older boy had seemed fine with what he was doing, Yanjun had decided to take it a step further. 

It was also a power move because Zheng Ruibin was sitting with them again and Yanjun wasn't stupid, he knew the signs of attraction in someone. He could literally feel the weight of the younger boy's gaze, and it wasn't even focused on him, Ruibin's eyes rested entirely on Zhangjing's face. 

So he'd casually asked his best friend if he needed help in cleaning up, watched as Ruibin's hand drifted to the napkin dispenser in the middle of the table and waited for Zhangjing to say yes. The minute a quite "Sure" was said by him, Yanjun had turned to him, placed his hand on Zhangjing's face to keep him in place, and kissed him fully on the lips. And although all their other kisses had been chaste, no tongue at all, and the fact that they'd even shared any kisses was enough to make Yanjun smile as his tongue gently flicked against Zhangjing's bottom lip. He slightly sucked it into his mouth, and pulled away, keeping his hand on Zhangjing's cheek so he could caress it as he said sweetly, "Anytime you're messy, I'll always clean you up." 

The resulting look on Ruibin's face had made it totally worth it, as was the adorable blush that was dusting the cheek that he wasn't cupping; Yanjun internally high fived himself because not only did he get a kiss, he also showcased why he'd make a wonderful boyfriend who would clean up after Zhangjing and let him eat as dirtily as he wanted. It would have only been noticed by those sitting at their table, had Chaoze not squealed "WHAT?" as loudly as he could, attracting the attention of the entire cafeteria. 

The loud noise had shocked Dinghao who'd been locked in a staring contest with Huang Xinchun, into banging his already bruised knee into the table. The sudden yelp of pain that sounded from him had distracted most of the trainees into focusing on Dinghao instead of them, Xinchun's immediate rush to ask if Dinghao was okay would have been amusing if it weren't for Chaoze mouthing "what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck????" multiple times at them. 

Yanjun had simply smirked back at the dancer, and reveled in the fact that Zhangjing didn't even seem that embarrassed by what he did. Only pouting as Mu Ziyang came up to their table and asked Yanjun to come with him to the practice rooms already, Zhangjing would have followed them, but Chaoze's suddenly iron grip made him stay at the table. 

Yanjun continued to wave goodbye at Zhangjing like the lovesick fool he was, until he was out of sight. 

"It's complicated." Yanjun shrugged now, a part of him felt like disclosing exactly what he was doing with Zhangjing wasn't wise, so he warily eyed the circle of people he sat in: Zhu Zhengting, Yu Mingjun, Mu Ziyang, and Chen Linong. 

"How so?" Ziyang pondered, sitting criss cross next to him and probably only being so persistent because Ling Chao went to go visit Bu Fan and he was 95% of Ziyang's impulse control. 

"There's chemistry...." Yanjun trailed off, unsure of how to phrase exactly what kind of situation he'd found himself in. Offhandedly he looked up at the exactly the right moment to make eye contact with Zhengting, whose smile encouraged him to continue. "He's letting me prove that I'm worth it." 

"You Zhangjing.... is holding off from giving into something you, Lin Yanjun, want?" Nongnong said it like a question, but it honestly sounded pretty rhetorical to him. Next the youngest member, Yu Mingjun snorted "Fake news." 

"Shut up." Yanjun glared at both of them, for once using his position as a Leader to actually command his team. The same could not be said for Zhengting however, which is why the conversation over whether or not Zhangjing had ever once denied Yanjun of a wish he was capable of fulfilling lasted all lunch and ended with Nongnong winning 50 RMB. 

\--

The practice room was quietly filled with the sounds of "I Will Always Remember" as their entire group sat and ate their meager lunches. The only thing that slightly ruined the perfect afternoon sun sliding in through the windows' blinds was the smell of boiled eggs from Jeffrey. 

"I think you're the stupidest person I've ever met." Mubo deadpanned, breaking the soft atmosphere of their practice room. "How did you even let that happen?" 

"I don't know!" Zhangjing defended himself, leaning back further against the mirror next to Mubo, "I thought he meant like friends!" 

"What friends kiss each other???" Mubo exclaimed, hands coming up only to be thrown into the air in exasperation. The heat from the back of his head created a wet spot against the mirror, the eldest was really trying to make their team the best by pushing them all really hard, even with eliminations happening tomorrow he'd made every member practice for hours. 

"I don't know, I thought that he was only doing it for his performance, to get into the mindset of being in love" Zhangjing said, no longer looking at Mubo but instead focusing on their team eating in front of him. 

"But he literally confessed to you!" Mubo continued to sound frustrated at him, "You could have started dating yesterday instead of the mess that this is." 

"You had to have been there, ge" Zhangjing stressed, "He phrased everything really vaguely.." 

"Oh Yeah I'm sure that Lin Yanjun left a confession up to chance." Mubo replied, voice sounding a little tight, "Why didn't you just say that you loved him back?" 

"I did!" 

"You should have said that you liked him romantically!" Mubo scolded, but then his voice took on a more mentor like tone, "What are you going to do now?"

Zhangjing didn't really know, he'd been awakened this morning by Lin Yanjun's barely dry lips kissing his cheeks, nose, brow bones, and when he'd finally cracked open his eyes, the younger had had the guts to call him beautiful when he wished him "good morning" against his lips. Warm breath had puffed between them, and Zhangjing had sworn he could feel his heart race. When he'd returned to his bed after the bathroom kiss, he'd been so ready to really talk about things with Yanjun, but the minute he'd opened his mouth Yanjun and wrapped his tan arms around his middle and told him to get as much sleep as possible. 

"I feel like if I suddenly say that I like him back the way that he likes me, he won't believe me because it's been such a short time since our talk." Zhangjing confessed, worries dragging his mood down. 

"Don't stress, you'll be fine." Mubo soothed, "I'd bet on Lin Yanjun immediately swiping you off your feet and spinning you in a circle if you ever grew the balls to tell him how you feel." 

Zhangjing felt comforted by Mubo's honestly quite generic words, and resolved to talk to Yanjun that night. 

\--

They were still sleeping in the same bed, still cuddling even though now it was definitely more like spooning with how Yanjun's hands kept running up and down his body, and his lips permanently resting atop of Zhangjing's head. 

"Yanjun?" Zhangjing ventured, his voice coming out muffled due to his face being smushed by Yanjun's chest, "Are you awake?" 

"Yeah, of course." Yanjun answered, making a move to pull away so they could talk face to face. 

"I love you." Zhangjing simply stated, feeling every beat of his heart transform into the beat of a thousand drums; incredibly loud and painful.

Yanjun carefully cradled his head in both of his hands, pulling his gaze gently up, and kissed him so softly and sweetly that Zhangjing could have sworn Yanjun gave him cavities. He felt the tug of sleep incessantly, but he needed to know what Yanjun would say. 

"I know you do" Yanjun whispered back to him, and drew him back into his embrace. Zhangjing decided then to let sleeping dogs lie, but couldn't help but wonder why he'd chosen such a clueless person to love. Tomorrow he promised himself, tomorrow he would tell Yanjun how he felt. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that was part 2! 
> 
> Hopefully part 3 will be arriving in a day or two, and part 4 after that. 
> 
> Thank you for commenting!!!!


	14. Hugs and Kisses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which many many hugs are exchanged, Zheng Ruibin feels some unrequited love, and zhangjun gets as steamy as I'm writing my ace character get
> 
> In other news, Zhengting's new love gets a beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So did I say part 3 and 4 would be coming out but this is honestly more like part 3-5 
> 
> Anyways please read the end notes, I have an important question

\--

The bright lights of the Idol Producer pyramid bear down upon every trainee, despite lacking mass they seemed to drag down every boys' shoulders. Grey suits, pale faces, and white knuckles created uniformity, while jubilation and devastation set them apart. 

As Zhang PD's steps leave one last echo across the stage, it is only then that the trainees standing above a sea of disappointment are allowed to step down and greet their family members, their brothers, and their old team mates who couldn't make the top 35 cut. 

It's different this time, Yanjun mingles with more trainees as he hands out hugs and goodbyes. Multiple hands touch his shoulder, congratulating him on his rank, they equal the amount shoulders he puts his own hands on, offering words of encouragement and consolation. From the group hug the Banana Ent. Trainees have, he can feel the difference between his label mates; just minutes after Rank 35 was announced an insurmountable distance already lies between them and Bei Honglin. The four of them will be given another chance to chase their dreams, to jump from star to star of possibilities, while he will be left to wallow and wait until the show ended to even consider debut once more. 

Not to say that Trainee18 will never debut, their company had invested far too much money to lose any profits, but something in the air felt different now. He knows Honglin will return back to the company dorms, will return to empty practice rooms with a sense of melancholy that will linger for days, no matter how cute Maotong might act. 

As their arms curl around each other, he feels Zhangjing directly on his right. They both make eye contact, and share a quick smile before focusing on Honglin who's been placed in the middle. Though words of comfort fall from Yanjun's lips, rank numbers still fly through his head, next time it'll be probably be the top 18; two groups of 9 membered teams competing for a slot at debut. His own rank for tonight, 22, was so close and yet so far from making it further on. 

Zhangjing's deserving but still shocking rank of Number 8, almost guaranteed his chance at making it into the next round. His best friend would make it for sure, his fans would never abandon him, and millions of people would appreciate his talent. 

And maybe it's selfish, but the thought of standing in this same spot in only a week, watching Zhangjing try to contain his excitement about moving on further and keeping his own disappointment in, is the most horrible thing Yanjun has ever thought. It makes him sick to think about spending this whole week being sweet with Zhangjing, stealing kisses at every opportunity, soothing the hurt that hate comments online have made, and sleeping with their bodies so intertwined one cannot tell where they begin; only for it all to end with him going home. Yanjun cannot stomach the idea of returning to their old dorm, with Zhangjing's things still messily strewn across their room and none of the warmth his best friend brings to their living quarters. Yanjun tries his hardest not to imagine curling up in a pile of Zhangjing's clothes that he forgot to wash before they traveled here, including one of his favorite hoodies that had his scent ingrained in its fabric, just to not feel alone; and yet in his heart of hearts he knows that that is the future mostly likely waiting for him. 

As Yanjun walks through the crowd of trainees he fights to keep these pessimistic ideas at bay, he tries to remember that he still has to convince Zhangjing that they'd be a great couple together; even though now a small part of him wonders if it's even worth the effort if he'll just leave the smaller male in the end. 

Eventually he finds his way over to Zuo Ye, his teammate who he'd let down and apologized to in his speech. Yanjun had gotten up on that stage, and suddenly his failure as a leader had slammed into him like a car without brakes. As he gently wraps his arms around Zuo Ye in the softest hug he's ever given any one besides Zhangjing, Yanjun quietly repeats his apology in a tone only ever meant for one specific person. It's not that Yanjun never apologizes to anyone, it's the fact that it's rare for him to make mistakes and if he loses his temper he's always been quick to repair the damage done; it's that Zhangjing is the only person who Yanjun has ever felt like his actions truly mattered and affected. Every time they've fought, thankfully only thrice, he'd been the first to rectify the situation as seeing his best friend's eyes fill with tears and being ignored had always hurt worse than losing his pride. 

So now as he embraces Zuo Ye, feels the full weight and responsibility of being his team's leader, and the entirety of his being hums with regret over that one last dance pose. Zuo Ye tells him not to worry, that he did the best he could, but Yanjun can't help but obsess over his failures. 

Standing back to let Zuo Ye get a hug from his idol, Yanjun walks off to some corner far away from the cameras. This time, no one comes for him, and so he remains alone just like he prefers, to hold back the tears he'd been feeling build up in his eyes since his name was called. 

Yanjun looks over the entire room from his lonely vigil, and resolves that next week when he returns back to this pyramid stage, he'll have the comfort of knowing he did his best as a leader and at the very least kept his friendship with Zhangjing. No matter what result he receives. 

\--

It takes almost an hour for all of the trainees to head back to the dorms, the main chunk of them leaving with a sobbing Dong Yanlei, who honestly seemed more upset that some of his friends hadn't made it than himself. The next wave of trainees are the company families who managed to stick together, and the company families that were broken apart by this round of eliminations. Chaoze and Dinghao walk back first with Honglin, as Zhangjing told them he'd wait for Lin Yanjun. 

The Maverick trainees all seem pretty pleased, they make their way out of the room hand in hand. The YueHua group of 7 is still in a group huddle, while OACA just left after Zuo Ye said goodbye to Cai Xukun and his other gege's. All of Qin Ent. made it through, and they're the next to leave with Ling Chao having his tears being wiped by Mu Ziyang. Hu Zhibang is curled up in Jeffrey's arms in the chairs where those who didn't make it sit, neither of them look like they'll be leaving any time soon. 

Zhangjing feels bad for almost invading such an emotional moment, but the rapidly emptying room is still packed with enough people that he doesn't want to leave Honglin's old seat. 

Instead, he simply twiddles his thumbs and looks down as the filming crew finally stops recording them. One last camera had been left in case anything particularly interesting happened, but the camera jiejie had told them they took out the mics. 

The camera is bulky, stands off to the side, and has so many blind spots it's not even focused on the trainees themselves, its lens is aimed at the empty Idol Producer pyramid. Zhangjing is honestly really grateful to the staff for doing the bare minimum to keep "the cameras on 24/7" at vulnerable moments like this. He carefully moves further away from the couple on his left, and sits down in the chair farthest away from them. 

As Zhangjing swings his legs back and forth, a light tap on his shoulder almost makes him jump. He looks down from the risers, where Zheng Ruibin is for once, smaller than him. The other boy looks handsome in his grey suit, all classic beauty with his pale skin and dark brown features. 

"Ge, what are you still doing here?" Ruibin asks, tilting his head to the side and only drawing Zhangjing's attention to the fact that Ruibin's hand is now resting on his shoulder. 

" 'm waiting for Lin Yanjun." Zhangjing replies, despite looking directly at Ruibin's eyes he fails to notice the slight melancholic tint they take on when he says that. 

"Oh." Ruibin murmurs, his grip on Zhangjing's shoulder tightening slightly, "Are you and him... together?" 

Are we together? 

It takes a moment for Zhangjing to respond because in all honesty, he doesn't know how to describe what happening with Lin Yanjun right now. How to explain that he didn't confess at the right time, that now the love of his life is trying to woo him because he thinks Zhangjing only sees him as a friend. 

"I wouldn't say that we are." He hedges, not sure if he wants to heave his emotional baggage on the younger boy. 

"You're not friends with benefits, right?" Ruibin questions, finally hopping onto the riser and climbing over Zhangjing's legs so he can take a seat on his left. "Because you can't really give any ~benefits~ in that way."

"No", Zhangjing laughs at what the other boy said, "Definitely not." 

"But... you do like Lin Yanjun?" Ruibin says it in a tone that almost doesn't make it a question, almost makes it a fact. Zhangjing would almost panic over how obvious his crush was on Yanjun to Ruibin if not for the fact that they've kissed in front of him. Ruibin's literally had a front row seat to watch Zhangjing melt into Yanjun's touch. 

"Yeah" Zhangjing answers, "I do."

He's looking down at his feet, not daring to look at Ruibin's face. 

"You should tell him that, ge." Ruibin finally offered after a long stretch of silence, his normally lovely voice sounding oddly tamped down. Zhangjing can hear him take a deep breath, almost like his throat hurts which is ridiculous because he would know if the younger boy had gotten sick lately. "What ever is... going on with you two..." 

Ruibin hesitates before continuing, his voice sounding much much closer than before, and his hand comes up to comfortingly rest on the base of Zhangjing's neck, tracing little patterns in the shorn curls he finds there, "If you think you have a chance with him, you should tell him how you feel." 

"It..." Ruibin's voice stills again, and his hand stops moving. The halt almost makes Zhangjing poke his head up, but the minute Ruibin feels the tendons in his neck flex, he begins speaking once more, "It'll make you happier." 

Zhangjing digests that for a second, letting his eyes slip closed as the soothing patterns Ruibin draws against his skin feel oh so calming. His head hangs down, bangs tickling the insides of his wrists. The movements are a perfect contrast to the mess he feels inside right now. He softly confesses, "I don't think he'll believe me now if I just say that I'm in love with him."

Suddenly he is enveloped in a kind of back hug from Ruibin, the lack of arms on these plastic chairs allowing the younger boy to simply reach over and wrap his arms around Zhangjing's currently lowered torso. Although he stiffens slightly in surprise, Zhangjing quickly curls his body around Ruibin's left arm, turning away from the stage and hugging his arm while leaning his head against Ruibin's chest. 

He can feel Ruibin's breathing stutter from underneath his cheek the minute his skin makes contact with the slightly rough fabric of his suit, the younger boy must be cold because now that they're touching he can feel the light shivers running through Ruibin's body. One of his arms is resting on the outside of Ruibin's frame, the other is somewhat squished in between them, all together they form an "O" around it. 

Ruibin shakily breathes out from above him. He should really check on his didi more often as it seems throughout their entire conversation Ruibin's sickness symptoms have only gotten worse, Zhangjing idly notes, waiting for the other to say something. 

"There are other ways to tell him that you love him." Ruibin croaked eventually, due to their position Zhangjing couldn't see his expression, "Start slipping in the ways you love him, rather than just stating it outright."

"What else can I do? Touch him more?" Zhangjing asks in a whisper, "Actions speak louder than words?" 

"Yes", Ruibin advises him, his hands must be awfully clammy because a damp spot had grown on the back of his jacket, close to where Ruibin's voice sounds from, "They do." 

\--

Zhengting has just spent almost an hour of rejoicing with his sprouts over the fact that all of them had made it through to the next round; he hugged every member of his family and squished Quanzhe's cheeks multiple times. After enough jokes at every one's expense had been made, particularly Xinchun because he got to work with his crush, Dinghao, for yet another stage; Wenjun's soft "I'm tired" convinced them all to start heading back. 

Zhengting looks ahead as they walk just in time to see an upset looking Ruibin leave the room with Ziyi, while an odd enough pairing Zhengting's been watching the pair grow closer on the "Dream" team. Whatever's bothering Ruibin, he hopes it won't affect the other boy too much. After all, they have a performance coming up. 

The only people really left in the room are Hu Zhibang and Jeffrey, the Grammarie trainees, Lin Yanjun and You Zhangjing. Zhengting doesn't miss the shit eating grins Zhu Xingjie and Xiao Gui flash at Yanchen as the gorgeous ebony haired man elegantly takes Zeren's hand, it's very obvious that he was waiting so they could walk back together. He ignores the way that makes his heart ache a little, and instead focuses on the boys around him. 

"Don't wait up", He says as they near the collection of seats below the pyramid, if Zhengting can avoid having to see Yanchen and Zeren being domestic together, he will, "I'm...." 

Fuck, he's usually more prepared than this. No excuse rolls off of his tongue as he awkwardly looks around the room for one, when he turns back to their combined group it's to see a smirking Fan Chengcheng. 

"Waiting for any one?" Chengcheng teases, exaggeratedly looking over Zhengting's shoulder at a solitary Lin Yanjun in a far off corner. His cheeks warm slightly at the implication his rotten son is making in front of the "it" couple, especially since most of the people who wait to get Lin Yanjun alone are looking for more NSFW reasons. 

"A certain Leader, perhaps?" Zhu Xingjie purrs from beside Chengcheng, something that Zhengting's uselessly gay mind can't help but notice as stupidly attractive on the shorter man. 

"No", Zhengting disagrees and then realizing that sounded like a lie, blurts out, "I need to talk to You Zhangjing." 

Zhu Xingjie raises a skeptical eyebrow at his admission, their team's center hadn't missed how every break they got Zhengting had spent it in the "Firewalking" room. Clearly, neither had any one else. Zhengting hopes he can read his desperation to make them leave on his face. 

Luckily the older man drops the issue, and herds his children out of the room, looking back to mouth "You owe me" at Zhengting. He nods solemnly back at the other man, and bows slightly, his apparent seriousness causes Xingjie's eyes to disappear as he smiles adorably in amusement. 

Well, Zhengting thinks looking over the now almost awkwardly quiet room, shit. 

Lin Yanjun is too far away to see his expression on his face, but based on what happened last time Zhengting bets that his ge is probably crying. They've developed a strong enough friendship over the past couple days, with Zhengting spending almost all of his free time around the elder and advising him over how to deal with Zhangjing; he figures it's only right of him to go comfort Yanjun like he tried to do last elimination. Admittedly that didn't go very well, but now there's no Yanchen to feel stupidly jealous for so this is his chance to make it up to him. 

Or at least it would be, except he'd blurted out his excuse rather loudly in a almost deserted room and You Zhangjing's head had definitely looked up in Zhengting's peripheral vision. So he steeled himself for what was probably going to be a little bit of an awkward conversation. 

They'd been closer friends in the early days of the competition, they'd even made a little pun combining their names during that silly "fashion show" the trainees had put on in the dorms. Both of them liked to eat, and originally they'd bonded over breaking diets together because You Zhangjing never ate without Lin Yanjun (unless it was 2 am and in front of the convenience store). That one night had spiraled into a bad habit, they'd meet up and go buy some chocolate for Zhangjing to eat before going on stage, to fuel his high notes. It was sweet, the kind of relationship he'd once had with the Korean trainees from Produce 101, something unique to survival shows because he was sure they never would have met otherwise. 

But then, distracted by the stress of performing PD's song and his crush on Yanchen, Zhengting had kind of let their friendship dwindle. No longer did he run into the elder in the hallway at 2 am, because he stayed and practiced with Chaoze until 4 am. Or he would be in the "Nunchucks" practice room at 1 am, trying to get Yanchen to sleep. 

If Zhengting was honest with himself, he'd only felt so comfortable fooling around with Yanjun because he'd noticed the way the brunette acted around Zhangjing; the sweet touches and gestures, that at the time he'd assumed were platonic, had given him the impression that Yanjun was a lot softer than he pretended to be. That one day when Yanchen and him had held hands at breakfast, which he was now made aware of that it was a dare, had further broken in the idea of a kinder man, instead of the ice cold persona Yanjun put out. After last elimination when he'd hugged him (because strangely enough Zhangjing hadn't come to a crying Yanjun first???) the way Yanjun had just become so pliant was oddly... cute. 

In a way, Zhengting had needed comfort to deal with every happening with Yanchen and strangely enough he sought it out from Yanjun; in every way Yanjun was a surprisingly warm and distracting person. All the cold jokes and caring words totally betrayed the frosty looks the elder carried, creating a wonderful contrast that had made Zhengting and him such fast friends these past few days. He was like the world's best teddy bear, perfect to hug, if teddy bears had soft, golden skin, abs, and lips perfect for everything you wanted: biting, sucking, licking, and moaned like a porn star. 

Yanjun was probably good at cuddling too, though Zhengting wouldn't know because Yanjun only ever cuddled Zhangjing. Like anything more than a hug or a handshake these days, that too was reserved only for a certain You Zhangjing. And Zhengting was glad for them, that they got this chance to be together. They were both really good ge's who deserved each other, and ever since they'd kissed in /that/ room Yanjun hadn't slept around since so there wouldn't be any doubt that he was faithful. 

Zhengting quickly made his way over to Zhangjing, and said hello, remaining standing below the boy in the chair. 

"Why didn't you go with the rest of your family?" Zhangjing asked, cheekbones creating soft shadows on his face. 

"I um-" Zhengting started, but stopped himself soon afterwards. He didn't know exactly how much Yanjun had told Zhangjing about him. 

"It's okay silly." Zhangjing grinned, leaning down closer to him, lips distractingly pink and shiny, "Your crush on Yanchen was really really obvious, but I won't tell any one about you. It'd be hypocritical of me."

"Thank you" Zhengting responded, dumbfounded by how nice Zhangjing still was to him even after all this time and how the elder's dark brown eyes seemed to sparkle under the stage lights, "Ge, do you want to go get chocolates again sometime? Like we used to?" 

"Sure" Zhangjing answered, he leaned down more and pulled Zhengting into a hug. His body was soft in places Zhengting had grown used to only feeling toned muscle, and he definitely wasn't used to being the taller one in a hug as he put his hands on Zhengting's upper back instead of his waist. "I missed you!" 

"I missed you too, ge." Zhengting's voice was slightly muffled as he dipped his head to nuzzle into the crook between Zhangjing's neck and shoulder; Zhangjing smelled like how he'd remembered, all warmth and hints of Yanjun's cologne from how they spent their nights together. The vocalist really was a saint, even Zeren with all his sweetness wouldn't have been this nice to Zhengting if he had gone as far with Yanchen as he had with Yanjun and wasn't family. He fully extracted himself from the hug and asked, "Are you waiting for Yanjun?"

"Yeah", Zhangjing answered, cute bunny teeth appearing for a second as an adorable love struck expression appeared on his face before it quickly turned into a frown, "I know he needs to brood but I really need to pee."

"Just go, ge." Zhengting suggested, surprising even himself with what followed next, "I'll get him to go meet you there." 

"Oh, Zhengting you don't have to do that!" Zhangjing fretted, gracefully formed hands waving about wildly, "Really, I'm fine with just waiting here." 

"Nonsense, ge." Zhengting chirped, reaching out to drag Zhangjing out of his chair, "You've been recording for hours alread-" 

Evidently he had overestimated how the height difference would offset Zhangjing's balance, he really only meant to get Zhangjing to stand up when instead what ended up happening was him tugging Zhangjing off the risers. Which lead to Zhengting catching him (more like colliding with him) and almost staggering backwards with surprise, he tightened his arms around him in an attempt to let him fall and now they stood in what was almost a hug with Zhangjing's hands digging into his shoulders for balance. 

Suddenly they were much much too close to each other, Zhengting could count every individual lash above the eyes that were blown wide at what had happened and without him meaning to, he looked down at soft looking lips that had parted in surprise. He observed that they were a very pretty shade of pink, and if Zhengting hadn't just sat with them recording for several hours he'd blame the color on Yanjun kissing him really hard recently, except he knew for a fact they hadn't been in private since before filming started. 

All too late he realized that he should probably let Zhangjing down, since his feet were still hanging off the ground by a few inches. Carefully he let the smaller man slide down his frame by loosening his grip a tad, and gave him a quick smile. He was so focused on helping his gege that he didn't even notice the light blush the other man was sporting. 

"Sorry ge", Zhengting apologized sheepishly, his cheeks tinting a slight pink, "Anyways, just go right on ahead, Yanjun will be there soon." 

Zhangjing slowly agreed, although he suspected it was only so that he would let him go. He finally released his ge from his arms, and gave him a little push towards the exit. Almost dazedly, the Malaysian man walked away from him and finally left. 

Shoving everything that had just happened aside until he had time to truly reflect on it, Zhengting made his way over to Yanjun. His geges deserved to be happy together, and even if it was "complicated" between them, Yanjun's words not his, he knew that they needed some alone time, pronto. 

As he made his way over, Zhengting heard Hu Zhibang and Jeffrey leave the room together; they were now alone in a room meant for more than 100. 

Yanjun had a single hand propping himself against a wall, the other had turned away from the rest of the room sometime between Zhengting walking over and his family (plus Grammarie) leaving. Swiftly he wrapped his arms around his middle, even through Yanjun's suit he could feel the muscles tense in surprise under his forearms, and used his slightly taller height to his advantage by gently putting his chin onto his shoulder. 

"You okay?" Zhengting whispers, feeling bad for speaking loudly in such an undisturbed silence. At first Yanjun doesn't do anything at all, then slowly, he turns around and hugs Zhengting close. 

With Yanjun's forehead on his shoulder, the elder has slightly curled into himself, making him seem smaller than normal. The frames of his glasses poke uncomfortably into his skin, but Zhengting doesn't complain. Zhengting waits for him to say something, if Yanjun could handle him surprise hugging and then crying on him about Yanchen only a few days ago, he figures he can be patient. 

After a few minutes of Yanjun sniffling, he finally pulls far away enough that Zhengting can see his face, although the dancer's arms still encircle his waist. The entire area surrounding his eyes and along his cheek bones is flushed pink, brown irises glossy from shedding the tears that are still wet on his cheeks, and there's a patch of skin on Yanjun's bottom lip that he's bitten raw. Combined with his messy hair and glasses sliding almost completely off of his nose, Yanjun should look like a mess. 

Instead he still looks stupidly attractive as always and Zhengting internally scolds himself for wondering at the literal worst of times if this is how Yanjun would look if he choked him on his cock. Before he can pray for forgiveness for being like that when his friend is upset, Yanjun starts talking. 

"I'm sorry you always seem to find me crying in this room." Yanjun attempts to joke, his voice still a little wobbly and his dimples barely showing. 

"No no, it's fine ge." Zhengting soothed, one of his hands removing itself from the other's trim waist so he could squeeze Yanjun's shoulder, "I actually have a message for you." 

"What is it?" Yanjun queried, looking less melancholy the longer they talked. 

"Zhangjing was waiting for you, but he needed to pee. Can you meet him by the bathrooms?" Zhengting continued, not missing how Yanjun's mood seemed to darken again, "What?" 

"What, what?" Yanjun retorted, trying and failing to conceal his less than enthusiastic reaction to what Zhengting had said. 

"Dude, the guy's like 170 cm he can't hold his pee that long." Zhengting laughed, "Are you really that disappointed to see me instead?" 

"What? No. I just..." Yanjun trailed off, his brows furrowing like they always did when he was thinking, "I've been having second thoughts about us." 

"Why, ge?" Zhengting questioned, honestly confused by what he'd said, "You guys make each other so happy."

"But it's going to hurt him if we start something and I end up getting eliminated after this stage." Yanjun remarked, "I haven't even really shown him what dating me could be like, and distracting him during the next couple days with my feelings could prove disastrous."

"Yanjun..." Zhengting didn't even know where to begin, so he went with another question, "What are you so worried about?"

"What if I take him on a date late at night and someone takes a picture of us? What if we stay up late together and he's so tired the next day that he can't practice? What if I kiss him backstage and someone sees?" Yanjun babbled, his anxiety filled eyes meeting Zhengting's, "I don't want to do anything that could hurt Zhangjing's chances at debut!"

"You just have to be careful..." Zhengting stressed, "Don't you want to enjoy the time you have left together?" 

"Of course I do, I can't bear the thought of going back to the company dorms without him!" Yanjun exclaimed, "But I'm responsible for my whole team, I can't let any of them down like I did with Zuo Ye. Isn't it better for me to focus on being a leader than risking my friendship with Zhangjing for a pipe dream of a relationship?" 

It took a minute for Zhengting to respond, because he'd never seen Yanjun this frazzled and he knew he'd have to choose his words carefully, "Ge, you've been literally glowing with happiness these past few days because of what's been going with Zhangjing. You're a good leader and now there'll only be 7 people for you watch over. You didn't fail Zuo Ye, he said it himself and as long as you're careful you won't get caught being with Zhangjing." 

Yanjun seemed to mull over his words for a minute, but honestly he didn't seem that convinced. Zhengting didn't have any more time to console him, goodness knows they'd left Zhangjing waiting for who knows how long now. 

"Zhangjing is waiting for you, ge." Zhengting reminded, Yanjun seemed to smile a little at the thought, "You don't want to make him wait, do you?" 

"No" Yanjun softly replied as he looked down, while still slightly sad looking he seemed so much happier than when they'd started this conversation. 

Zhengting moved on autopilot, sliding the hand that had been resting on Yanjun's shoulder to his chin and tilting his face up. Usually this made his sprouts feel better when they were down in the dumps, if nothing else it distracted them for a little bit. Quickly he leaned in and sweetly kissed the part of his forehead exposed by his bangs, and pulled away with a smile. He giggled, "Then let's go!" 

Zhengting's grin only deepened when Yanjun's slightly shocked expression was just so adorable as he tugged the older man forward by the hand. He lead him out of the room and towards the bathrooms, the whole time excitedly hyping up Yanjun about what could happen! 

When they finally got to the hallway, they ran into none other than Zhu Xingjie who raised one dark brow at their interlocked hands and told them Zhangjing was waiting outside the room across from the bathrooms. Zhengting thanked him, and pushed Yanjun further down the hallway, made a "shoo shoo" gesture and beelined for the dorms before he could see the expression on the elder's face. 

On his way he caught up with Xingjie, who looked surprised to see him. 

"I thought you were accompanying Yanjun?" He asked, cocking his head to one side which made his raven locks floof out with the movement. 

"I was." Zhengting cryptically replied , knocking their shoulders together with a grin that he almost didn't feel. Somehow helping his ge's had left an almost sour taste in his mouth. 

"Care to elaborate?" Xingjie pressed, before playfully knocking their hips together in a manner that would be unexpected had Zhengting never seen him mess around with Xiao Gui. 

"Nope!" Zhengting said popping the 'p'. As Huba's bright laughter at his answer filled the hallway close to the elevators, he felt his smile grow a little more real. 

\--

"J-jing", Yanjun's voice broke off as another moan fell from his lips. The older man continued sucking on the sensitive skin on his neck, barely leaving him with enough time to think about what he'd wanted to talk about with him. 

When Yanjun had walked into that same room Zhangjing had caught him kissing Zhengting in only a few days previously, which thank goodness Zhengting had left him earlier in the hallways, he'd thought this probably wasn't the best place to have a conversation. Apparently Zhangjing had thought the same thing, although in a much different way. 

He'd sat down besides his best friend on the one couch in the room, but before he could even say anything Zhangjing had pushed him flat on his back and kissed him hard, fisting the front of his jacket. Buttons almost popped off as quick hands loosened his tie and opened his collar. 

Now he definitely felt Zhangjing's teeth nipping and biting at his flesh, he was going to have bruises for days but it felt so good Yanjun couldn't bring himself to care. Every kiss on his skin was followed by a hard suck that made his toes curl, it wouldn't have affected him this much had it been any one else, but it was Zhangjing and that fact alone made it especially hot. 

Yanjun felt his face burn as a hot tongue licked up the column of his neck and light kisses trailed along his jawline, ending with another deep kiss on his lips. He couldn't think straight, not with You Zhangjing on top of him and finally finally kissing him like he wanted him to. 

He felt his breath hitch as Zhangjing's searing lips left trails of fire in their wake when he moved down to lick the sweat in the hollow formed by Yanjun's collarbones. 

Yanjun squirmed as Zhangjing's lips ghosted over his skin, almost touching but not quite, drawing out a rather embarrassingly needy noise from him. The pianist's thumb came up to stroke his bottom lip, the tip slightly dipping into the seam of his mouth; before Zhangjing tugged on his pierced ear lobe with his teeth making him gasp. 

"Shhh, Baobao", Zhangjing rasped, hot breath against his ear making him melt, "Just enjoy it." 

Yanjun dazedly tried to say something, when Zhangjing silenced him with his lips once more, licking into his mouth with slick movements that reminded him that Zhangjing was quite experienced. They kissed until he felt breathless, and then Zhangjing only pulled away for a moment; their lips just barely touching as they breathed each other's air making Yanjun dizzy. Then more and more kissing until he was sure he looked a mess, all kiss bruised lips and blooming hickies all across his skin. 

"I love kissing you." Zhangjing murmured before sucking his bottom lip into his mouth, giving him no time to respond. 

"I love your little sounds." He said, licking the shell of Yanjun's ear and blowing on it to make him shiver. The comment made heat flash deep in his belly and he felt his body jerk underneath him. 

"I love how sensitive you are right here" Zhangjing continued, lips pressed right against that spot behind his jaw before moving downwards to suck at his pulse point. "And here." 

"There are so many ways I love you." Zhangjing confessed right against his lips once more, kissing him only once before speaking again, "Can you accept them, Jun?" 

"Yes", Yanjun breathed out, mind hazy but drunk on love, "Yes, of course." 

Zhangjing smiled so adoringly at him, but this time it was Yanjun who craned his neck up to kiss him, putting a hand on the back of Zhangjing's head to push it down. 

Yanjun was so consumed with happiness that he didn't remember what he'd wanted to say in the first place. 

But later that night, with his head resting atop of Zhangjing's, he laid awake obsessing over every little detail and what they could possibly mean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... Zhu Zhengting 
> 
> I'm honestly torn between making this an Ot3 fic with zhangjunting 
> 
> Or starting zhu2 
> 
> Both ships got hinted at this chapter, although one more than the other lol but tell me if you guys wouldn't mind Zhengting getting a new love interest since I'm worried it might seem out of the blue 
> 
> Also Oof Zheng Ruibin crying on your crush and giving him love advice is : tragic


	15. Reassurance Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I didn’t want it to be another month since I updated so this is really short, but like always there will be multiple parts! The next part will probably be posted on the 13th or 14th, QQ sorry nothing big really happens in this chapter

‘You Zhangjing kissed me’

Out of the many, many pressing matters on Yanjun’s plate right now, the fact that Zhangjing has kissed him shouldn’t have been the circulating his mind the most. And yet, here he was, laying awake with his brows so furrowed his forehead hurt and over analyzing literally everything that had happened between them. Zhangjing had said that he loved kissing him, that he loved him being sensitive and his noises. At the time it had made Yanjun stupidly happy, happy enough to ignore the fact this was the most physical Zhangjing and him had ever gotten and not even talking about it after. His words had made a part of Yanjun’s heart feel like it was glowing.

But even though Zhangjing had said he loved these parts of him, that didn’t mean that he LOVED Yanjun like that. Sentences like that had been moaned into Yanjun’s ear since he was legal to fool around, sweet words and lust filled phrases were almost tattooed onto his skin and lips at this point from how often they’d been told to him. Things like that, said only in the dark and never in public, they were common and at some points in his life, considered shameful.

Yanjun knew in his bones that he’d rather go back to just being friends with Zhangjing if he’d only succeeded in getting Zhangjing to like him physically. He’d had enough of purely physical relationships, friends with benefits never ever ended well. He’d rather die than let this ruin his relationship with Zhangjing.

But as his chest rose to accommodate the huge amount of air he’d just inhaled, Yanjun knew he was just being idiotic. Zhangjing was a proud asexual man, a friends with benefits relationship probably didn’t even live as a possibility in his head.

But still Yanjun couldn’t help but worry, he hadn’t even gotten to talk to the other boy after their make out session. None of the fears and pressures that had built up so high around him, high enough that he couldn’t even see the top, had even been addressed.

It seemed like all last night had done was make him even more worried than he was before he walked into that room. Nothing, absolutely nothing had been fixed, and now he had new things to give him grief.

For one thing, last night had gone way past what he’d thought Zhangjing would ever go physically with him. Everything else before this had been so chaste, innocent enough that a little hint of tongue at breakfast had been the most scandalous thing. Zhangjing had taken that expectation and shattered it, and now Yanjun had no idea what kind of boundaries they had with each other.

Was Yanjun allowed to jump his bones like that? Would they make out again? Was it a one time thing? Yanjun hoped not because Zhangjing’s tongue had felt like sin personified and he was pretty sure that was the best kiss he’d ever had.

And if they did make out again, what would happen if Yanjun got hard? (Which he had last night and solved by jerking off in the shower later) Even if they apparently made out now, he heavily doubted Zhangjing would ever give him a hand job. Would it be awkward? When do they stop making out??? Most of his make outs stopped when their mouths got busy in.... other places, but last night had only stopped because they realized the time and Zhangjing had dragged a dazed him out of the room.

This! Is! Why! They! Needed! To! Have! A! Serious! Conversation!

The last thing Yanjun ever wanted to do was to make Zhangjing uncomfortable, but he couldn’t spend their entire relationship never knowing when and what he was allowed to do with his boyfriend. They really really needed to have a talk about their boundaries with each other.

‘Or’, the cowardly part of him suggested, ‘you could just enjoy it while it lasts because you’ll be gone by next week. When you’re all alone with only Chaoze to comfort you, you’ll be missing Zhangjing so badly that you’ll hate yourself stopping what could have been’

‘I’m not a coward’ Yanjun thought furiously, his teeth grinding together and arms curling in. ‘I’m the “Firewalking” leader and I need to be focused on my team, I can’t let any one down again!’

Abruptly he realized that thinking hard enough to make his heart race was a bad idea when Zhangjing’s head was currently resting on his bare chest. And so was almost crushing the smaller man in his distraction.

Yanjun flinched as Zhangjing blearily looked up at him, eyes almost closed and head barely lifted, just enough to get a look at Yanjun’s face, as he mumbled out “Good Morning”.

Yanjun ignored the way that made his heart skip a beat, messy bed hair and cheeks flushed from sleep made Zhangjing look too adorable to handle. Softly he said the greeting back, letting familiar syllables roll off his tongue and a slight smile adorning his lips.

Zhangjing gently smiled back at him from his spot on Yanjun’s chest, before his hands came up to cup Yanjun’s cheeks and tug his head down carefully. He leaned up a little and captured Yanjun’s lips with his own, what followed was a kiss as sweet as sugar, broken by Zhangjing giggling sleepily and telling Yanjun he had morning breath.

Yanjun’s reply is a simple apology, interrupted by their alarm clock going off.

The last time they’d been in Shanghai before the show had started, they’d seen the white Moomin with a digital clock face in its stomach on their final round of the night market. Since they’d (Yanjun) had agreed to not pack too much for the upcoming survival show, they’d planned on just using their phones as an alarm instead of bring their old trusty brick sized clock given to them by the company. But the Moomin clock had just seemed so right, the round face and eyes with an ear that doubled as a snooze button, it had just seemed too perfect to pass up.

Zhangjing had been standing in front of the tech stall, LED lights from the display shelvescasting a stark white shine, and on anyone else the lighting would have made him look washed out and pale. His best friend was no ordinary human being however, and despite the odd setting, and lack of makeup he’d had on that day, Zhangjing had looked strangely ethereal to Yanjun. He’d been checking the price and considering where he had enough room in his single suitcase to fit it, when Zhangjing had turned to him and quietly said that one of the habits of successful people was waking up to an alarm clock.

In that moment Yanjun would have done anything for him, even buying a 164 ¥ clock that was wildly overpriced. (Even if he’d already been considering buying it as a surprise gift for the older boy later on) Yes he had agreed, and said that they needed all the success they could get when competing on a TV show.

It was later they’d been walking back to Main Street where they could get a taxi home, their taxi apps ready to bid, when Zhangjing had suddenly stopped in the middle of the sidewalk. Not wanting his best friend to get trampled, Yanjun had pulled him onto the stoop of one of the neighboring office buildings that was closed at the late hour.

Yanjun had asked why Zhangjing had stopped, bending down to look at his face in concern to see if anything had gotten into his eyes. (The last time they’d taken Dinghao to this market, a piece of dirt had made the boy cry so much that his colored contact had popped out and now he refused to ever go with them. Yanjun didn’t mind his absence, how could he when spending time alone with only his best friend was so fun.)

It was then that Zhangjing had looked up at him and asked worriedly what would they do if they weren’t roommates on the show?

Yanjun still remembered the sudden clarity that had come over him in that moment, like a feeling of rightness settled into his very bones, similar to how he had known after spending a few days of training with Zhangjing that their friendship was precious to him. He’d slowly said,

“Don’t be stupid, ge. Of course I’ll come and wake you every morning, without you in my bed there isn’t a reason to sleep in.”

To Yanjun, that line of reasoning had made perfect sense. Yet, Zhangjing had only gazed at him wide eyed, pale cheeks dusted pink and mouth slightly agape. Absently mindedly he took the elder man’s hand and with his other gently pushed Zhangjing’s chin up so it’d close. Their heads had become close enough that when the wind had blown, his bangs had tickled Zhangjing’s forehead.

Suddenly feeling the need to explain himself, Yanjun had softly added, “I’d be too lonely.”

They’d stayed standing there, the glow from the street lights and the barely visible moon illuminating their faces and unbeknownst to Yanjun, Zhangjing’s heart as well for why he might possibly love Yanjun as more than a friend.

In the present Yanjun stumbled into their dorm room’s tiny bathroom to brush his teeth, his favorite red and black flannel haphazardly buttoned. It was only when he had stood up from rinsing out his mouth did he notice had missed a button; annoyed he carefully unbuttoned his shirt until everything was lined up the way it should be but stopped once he finally noticed the dark marks on his neck that Zhangjing had left.

Of course Yanjun had felt him sucking on his neck the night before, but the deep purple and red tones vibrantly stood out even against his tanned skin. Lightly Yanjun ran his fingers over the marks, marveling at the size and the fact that they were on his body at all.

Yanjun felt himself blush as the thought came to mind, ‘You Zhangjing marked me up. Z h a n g j i n g left b r u i s e s on my body. Holy shit’

A knock on the door reminded Yanjun that he probably shouldn’t be hogging the only bathroom in a room of four boys, even if Chaoze and Nongnong were already gone. He walked over as he heard Zhangjing call out for him.

“Lin Yanjun when are you going to-“ Zhangjing huffed, before cutting himself off and looking Yanjun silently. Yanjun pulled the door shut behind him as Zhangjing went, “Oh.”

Yanjun raised an eyebrow at his best friend’s actions, wondering why the other boy had fallen silent, “What are you-“

It’s not fucking fair, he thought, as Zhangjing’s hand darted out and caressed the marks on his skin. Zhangjing cannot legally look this unfairly sexy this early in the morning when they haven’t even done anything other than kiss, his eyes immediately going dark when his hands had made contact with Yanjun’s neck, the intense gaze making a shiver run up Yanjun’s spine.

Swallowing Yanjun tried to take a step backwards, but as his back made contact with the door, he noticed he was trapped by Zhangjing. The top three buttons of his flannel being undone had exposed the bottom part of his neck, his collar bones, and the upper part of his chest, Zhangjing stepped even closer, almost pressing him against the door and Yanjun had to suppress the urge to whine at the fact that nothing was happening and the suspense was killing him. The hand gently stroking his neck was joined by Zhangjing’s other, which lightly rested on his shoulder and cupped the base of his neck.

Wetting his lips, Yanjun ignored how the way Zhangjing immediately staring at them made him feel, and quietly asked, “Do you like them?”

He held his breath in anticipation as silence filled the air while Zhangjing took his time to respond, Yanjun would always respect what Zhangjing wanted, but he really really hoped the answer would be yes so he’d get to have more hickies in the future. Yanjun remembered that night when Zhangjing had randomly kissed the marks Yanchen had left on him, and wondered if this was Zhangjing’s odd way of saying Yanjun was his.

His.

The idea of belonging to each other made Yanjun feel warmth all over, a romantic relationship with Zhangjing would be like a dream.

“Yeah”, Zhangjing’s voice interupted Yanjun’s musings but that didn’t matter because he fucking liked them and Oh Yanjun thought, his voice getting all husky like that is way too exciting for this early in the morning.

Zhangjing was so close now, all Yanjun had to do was lean down or Zhangjing could just lift his head a little more and they would be kissing. Zhangjing leaned in and Yanjun felt his eyes slip close.

Only to open them as he watched Zhangjing’s hands work to button up his shirt to the very top button, his best friend stepped and smiled reassuringly as him as Yanjun reached his hands up to his neck, wondering if he’d have to go put on some concealer.

“Don’t worry”, He said as he looped his hands back around Yanjun’s neck and kissed him. Yanjun felt Zhangjing’s smile against his lips gradually disappear as he traced his tongue along the seam of the other boy’s mouth. Yanjun brought his hands up to tangle into the shorter man’s hair when the kisses deepened, making a short moan into Zhangjing’s mouth when his nails scratched lightly down Yanjun’s nape and back.

Zhangjing pulled away after only a few minutes, lips a pretty pink that Yanjun couldn’t help but be captivated by.

”I know you only packed a few clothes so I only did them where your shirt would cover it.” Zhangjing explained, arms still looped around him, as Yanjun felt his heart combust from the sweetness and thoughtfulness of his best friend.

“As nice as this was...” Zhangjing trailed off, moving away from him, only to end up taking Yanjun’s hand and tugging him off the door, “I’m really hungry.”

\- -

“Of course he was!” Zhengting laughed.

It’s later when Yanjun’s sitting in the “Dream” team’s practice and recounting his morning to Zhengting, so they can have a useful discussion (not queer keyboard smashing irl) that he realizes how whipped his story makes him sound.

He also realizes (I.e. is forcefully informed by Zhengting) that him being whipped is apparently not new in the slightest. Fan Chengcheng who Yanjun honestly thought was just a pile of coats, hums in agreement before becoming still again.

“Seriously I don’t even know why you’re denying it at this point” Zhengting munches on an apple that Zhangjing had handed Yanjun for him before the older boy had dropped Yanjun off at his practice room in the morning, saying that the dancer needed to eat more, “That alarm clock story you told me just further drives it home, you’ve been whipped for years probably.”

“I was.... not...” Yanjun feebly denies, seizing upon a memory from so long ago he almost forgot, “I remember being new to the company and I didn’t respond to his greetings for the first few days.”

“Probably because you were too awestruck by a cute and pretty gege chirping good morning at your anti social ass!” Zhengting fires back, not even trying to maintain his lower volume, “Oooo, I bet the first time he said hi, he probably took your hands and told you not to be nervous about the training and that you’d do fine.”

......

Yanjun is not even going to dignify that with a response.

“Holy shit I didn’t think I’d be right” Zhengting gasps, “How far off was I? I must have been pretty close, you only huff like that if I’m being uncannily perspective.”

“The first time we met, I shook his hand and he kept mine in between his and told me I had pretty fingers”, Yanjun mumbled, ignoring the way Zhengting waggled his eyebrows lightly at him, “and then he told me not to be nervous and that I’d be fine.”

Yanjun also tries to ignore the way that the Fan Chengcheng shaped coat pile is slightly shaking, as if the body buried underneath all that fabric is laughing at him the way Zhengting is doing openly.

Suddenly the door opens, and surprisingly Han Mubo walks through it. The accomplished vocalist smiles at the two of them sitting on the ground and remarks on the relative emptiness of the room, "Where's the rest of your team?"

Yanjun on the other hand, is just really really glad Mubo didn't comment on his husband being kicked off of the team Yanjun himself leads. It's Zhengting who softly replies that the rest of them wanted to go get snacks and decided to cut practice early and go for longer after lunch.

Mubo hums at that but soon focuses his entire attention on Yanjun, Yanjun meanwhile prepares himself for his untimely death at the hands of his gege. Inside his head Yanjun mourns that he never got to finish that last bread packet when Mubo says, "Zhangjing wanted me to tell you that he wants you to meet him for lunch outside."

Oh, Yanjun thinks, Death has decided I would be spared after all.

"Oh", Yanjun blinks, not expecting that at all, "Why didn't he just come tell me that himself?"

"Because it's a date!!!" Zhengting squeals, octopus arms wrapping themselves aroun Yanjun and shaking him, "He obviously has a sense for romance!"

A date?

Yanjun feels a bit stupid but taking his best friend/crush on a date while on the show had never really occurred to him as something that could ever be more than a pipe dream. Even if he himself had said he would woo Zhangjing.

Evidently Han Mubo doesn’t have an answer for that, soon after he exits the room. Yanjun quietly stands up and let’s Zhengting worryingly fix his hair and clothes for him. As the younger boy buzzes around him, Yanjun is strangely reminded of his mother.

“Jeez, you’re more worried about this than I am”, Yanjun couldn’t help but tease him, “It’s just a lunch together, it’s not like if I show up looking slobby I’ll ruin my chance at happiness.”

“But I want you to be happy.” Zhengting pauses from where he’d been trying to adjust Yanjun’s mic on his white Idol Producer sweater collar, a little pout emerging on his plump lips, “And appearance matters, you so called ‘Top Visual’”

“Awwww, thank you!” Yanjun chirps, ignoring the way that comment made his face flush a bit, “You really make me feel cared for.”

“Of course, idiot.” Zhengting gripes, gently bonking the side of Yanjun’s head with his left palm, “We’re friends, aren’t we?”

Despite the light head knocking, Yanjun’s voice still comes out as soft as it does when he’s singing as he says, “Yeah, Ting. We are.”

Zhengting has remained in the same spot for the past minute, they are almost chest to chest. His hair has already been dyed back to brown, so the soft bangs preventing Yanjun from seeing his eyes start to shine are glinting caramel in the studio lights. Forcefully cheery he exclaims, “Then go get your man! What are you keeping him waiting here for???”

Yanjun chuckles at the contradiction between Zhengting’s parting words and the way his grip has tightened on Yanjun’s sweater. “You’ll have to let go of me first”, he points out.

The speed in which Zhengting rips his hand off of the fabric would be comical if not for the fact that he looks a little flushed. They’re still close enough to each other that Yanjun can feel his body heat, and tries to think back if Zhengting feels warmer than normal. Normally he wouldn’t care, but ever since Yanchen, Yanjun doesn’t trust a single dancer in his life to take a break for their own health.

“You didn’t overwork yourself to illness, did you? You look feverish and feel warm....” Yanjun trails off, taking another step towards Zhengting and backing him into the mirror so he can put the back of his hand on Zhengting’s forehead.

“Yes! I mean, no!” Zhengting almost shouts, slapping his hand away and cheeks turning a cute shade of red, “Just leave already, would you?”

“You wound me with your cold dismissal of my kind and caring attention”, Yanjun jokes as he walks away, at the last second before the door closes, he yells, “But if you’re actually sick and you lied, Nurse Jun is going to quarantine your ass and smother you with love and amazing jokes!”

Zhengting is quite proud of himself for not saying that Yanjun’s threat couldn’t even deter him from practicing because in all honesty that sounded amazing. When the door shuts behind his stupidly attractive friend, he’s also proud of himself for not screaming in surprise when Chengcheng chuckles from the floor, “God your love life is s a d, ge.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For some reason my iPad thinks Yanjun should be Yanking or Yangon so if that’s in the chapter, please tell me :)


	17. Reassurance Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Every one is soft

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lesson learned, fic writing in school is hella hard and y’all should never trust me ever when I say I’ll post soon. 
> 
> All jokes aside though, I really am sorry that this took so long. We’re almost done though!!!

Zhangjing has been waiting outside of the doors where the cafeteria hall lets out into the quad for the past ten minutes, what could be taking Yanjun so long? He huffs, irritated that he cannot cross his arms the way he wants to because of his big tray of food that’s heavier and more crowded than normal because he got Yanjun some of those Taiwanese crisps that he likes from the convenience store.

Squinting into the sun and trying to see if he can burn the shape of that blazing sphere into his retinas out of boredom, Zhangjing almost misses the sound of hopefully Yanjun’s foot steps behind him.

And yes, it is Lin Yanjun in all of his glory. Their show issued black coat over his white sweater and red flannel combo, although seeing said flannel makes Zhangjing think of what they did this morning (and last night).

A very small part of him (very big actually), is content with the fact that Yanjun now has marks from him left on his skin now. As it should be.

“Hey” Yanjun greets, soft dimples on display as he carefully nudges Zhangjing with his shoulder so nothing would fall, “Sorry I’m late. The line for food was really long today.”

“It’s fine” Zhangjing says, and really it is, because Yanjun looks stunning and is practically his boyfriend already and that’s honestly fucking amazing, “Let’s go sit.”

Together they make their way to a little concrete bench and sit, balancing their trays on their laps. Zhangjing is the reason they have to make their legs remain so still, he’s using one of his hands to grip one of Yanjun’s, so both of them aren’t actually holding the trays since they’re eating with their other. He coos at the way Yanjun’s cheeks warm up a little at the action, “You look really cute today.”

“So do you.” Yanjun beams and leans forward a little bit to kiss him quickly on the lips before pulling back, “What are you eating?”

“Oh, just some rice and veggies.” Zhangjing blinks down, looking at his sorry and bland lunch, “I kind of just grabbed what ever so I wouldn’t leave you waiting out here for very long. It’s turns out, I didn’t need to rush so much.”

“Sorry”, Yanjun sings, hand swooping to grab one of the snack bags, “Are these for me?”

“Only if you kiss me as an apology, to make it better.”, Zhangjing says, cheeks warming a bit too because the last time he’d said those words it was under much different circumstances. Things between him and Yanjun had improved so much since then.

“Sure”, is all Yanjun says before dropping the bag to cup the back of Zhangjing’s head and kissing him sweetly, only a little nibble on his lower lip. God he was such a tease!

“All good now, or do you need more, baby?” Yanjun mumbled, not taking the time to fully pull off of Zhangjing lips, his eyes half lidded, dark lashes fanning out.

“As much as I want to say yes, I haven’t eaten since breakfast and my mouth would taste like stomach acid right now” Zhangjing groans, drawing back from the plush velvet softness of Yanjun’s lips.

“After, then?” Yanjun asks, lips already a distracting shade of been-kissed pink.

“Definitely” Zhangjing replies, before looking at his tray and asking, “What are you eating?”

“Oh this isn’t really for me”, Yanjun sheepishly admits, “I got a tray of your favorites.”

Sure enough, they’re all there. The yellow curry that he likes so much because it reminds him of home, the little melon cubes, and his favorite bottled tea.

This boy...his weak heart can’t take much more of this, his plan to slowly ease Yanjun into getting used to him reciprocating his feelings was already going to pieces just because Yanjun was so wonderfully sincere. The urge to drop everything and just tell Yanjun that he loved him back, had loved him since before the show, and would probably always love him, was just so strong.

Yet, just as strong, was the fear that Yanjun wouldn't believe him. The fear that if he confessed that he'd loved him for so long, That Yanjun would be angry at Zhangjing for allowing him to believe he didn't for so long. He didn’t want to be accused of leading the other boy on.

And he would have been fine, would have been a little more collected if Yanjun had just been born a normal boy, not this sweet and thoughtful man.

Because when he looks up from boring a hole into a pack of napkins with his eyes while having his emotional crisis, Yanjun had somehow found the time to load up a spoonful of curry and rice for him. Yanjun’s looking at him expectantly, one perfect and dark eyebrow raised.

Zhangjing opens his mouth to ask Yanjun why he’s trying to feed him, but before he can the younger boy shoves the bite directly into it.

Swallowing the delicious morsel, Zhangjing licks curry off the side of his mouth and asks Yanjun, “Why are you feeding me?”

“Because I saw you checking those stupid weibo posts, the ones that call you fat”, Yanjun explains, putting another spoonful between his lips and Zhangjing dutifully swallows, “And since people are going to criticize and stop supporting you just for gaining a couple kilos, you might as well be happy and full without them.”

Zhangjing knows no matter what Lin Yanjun would always look out for him. That would never change.

“I love how considerate you are.” Zhangjing blurts, his heart bursting with affection.

Yanjun smiled thinly back at him, and continued feeding Zhangjing. He made sure Zhangjing ate every bite of curry, leaving not a single grain of rice behind. What casual conversation they usually did, had evaporated. Zhangjing let the comfortable silence linger, he knew Yanjun only got this quiet when he was really thinking about something.

Lin Yanjun picked only the best looking pieces melon from his tray for him, and made sure not to jab the fork too harshly into his mouth. Every slice was as sweet as the boy in front of Zhangjing.

When Zhangjing had finally finished his lunch, Yanjun twisted to set both of their trays on his side of the bench. He turned back to face Zhangjing with a more serious look on his face.

“What you just said...” Yanjun trailed off, his tone hesitant, “You meant it, right?”

They are still holding hands, so Zhangjing quite literally feels Yanjun’s pulse start to race as he sounds out his question.

“Of course I did!” Zhangjing replies, knowing how he comes off to his crush/best friend is crucial, although part of him wonders why Yanjun would ever doubt his words, “You have so many wonderful things about you, Lin Yanjun. I just want you to know that I love them.”

This time when Yanjun smiles at him, it’s with full dimples and bright eyes. He squeezes Yanjun’s hand reassuringly and shoots a grin back.

“Then...” Yanjun leans in closer, his gorgeous smile still adorning his face, “I love spending time with you.”

Oh.

“And I love holding your hand”, Yanjun adds, squeezing his hand back. Impossibly his dimples seem to deepen, “And I love your eyes because they’re always looking back at me when ever we’re together.”

Lin Yanjun is naming the things about him that he loves.

“And I love it when you cuddle with me, because your body is the perfect size for every position.” Yanjun continues and Zhangjing is sure his face is on fire, “And I love your giggle, even when you make that weird snort sound that I tease you about.”

You Zhangjing cannot handle this, his brain has gone offline.

“I love it when you sing when we walk together, I love it when we sing random songs, I love how you sing me to sleep sometimes”, Their foreheads are pressed together now, Yanjun’s brown eyes have always been dark and captivating. His stare makes Zhangjing feel like he’s being pinned under a microscope, and he cannot move. “I love falling asleep with you because my dreams are filled with you so when I wake up in your arms, my time with you is never interrupted.”

Zhangjing’s heart feels like Yanjun is his own personal sun, warming it up with rays of pure love.

“Yanjun...” Zhangjing breathes out against his lips, “I love all those things about you too.”

“That makes me happy”, Yanjun giggles, before laying a kiss onto his lips gently before pulling away ever so slightly so that their breath mingled, “And last night, you liked doing that? It wasn’t too much for you?”

“I loved it”, Zhangjing states firmly, staring at the odd flash of relief that he catches darting through Yanjun’s gaze, quickly replaced by a look of satisfaction that makes his body run hot, “And I would do it again.”

This time it’s him who moves his head closer, tracing his tongue along the seam of Yanjun’s pink lips before licking wetly into his mouth. He closes his eyes, so it’s nothing but velvet darkness and the hot sound of Yanjun’s breath hitching when Zhangjing sucks his tongue slightly. Regretfully, he has to pull away from that addicting mouth to breathe, and to talk to Yanjun about something.

“I don’t want you to get the wrong idea”, Zhangjing starts, but then immediately stops because Yanjun’s incredible change from breathless to worried takes him by surprise, “Because, I really really like doing this. But can we take it slow for a few days? The stage is so close and I don’t want to distract yo-“

“Okay”, Yanjun interrupts him, his tone lighter than Zhangjing had expected, “I don’t want to distract you either, I was going to ask you, but you beat me to it.”

“Oh”, Zhangjing says, taking in the younger boy before him, Yanjun looks like a huge weight had been taken off of him, “Great.”

“Don’t you worry though, You Zhangjing”, Yanjun declares, tugging him impossibly closer into a hug that’s less tight than normal due to their coats. He mumbles into Zhangjing’s brown curls, “Just because we won’t be doing as much doesn’t mean we won’t spend time together.“

“After all”, Yanjun pulls away to plant a sweet kiss on his forehead, “I have to make you fall in love with me.”

Oh, Lin Yanjun, Zhangjing thought, every day of this silly promise I fall more and more in love with you than I ever thought possible.

\- -

Zhu Zhengting cannot believe Yanjun’s luck.

“Seriously?” He asks, careful not to scrunch up his face too much underneath his sheet mask, “You almost addressed every worry you had, in one fell swoop.”

“Right?” Yanjun agreed from where he’s just standing atop of chairs, it’s late at night in the practice rooms, but the “Dream” team had agreed to take a break for dinner. “It was the second most relieved I’ve ever felt.”

“Really?” Zhengting responds, slurping some noodles without getting any serum into his mouth, a skill mastered from hundreds of dinners ruined by the taste of skin care, “When were you most relieved, then?”

Yanjun only flushes a little bit when he answers with a bashful grin, “When Zhangjing said he could learn to love me.”

“Ah!” Zhengting exclaims, setting down his chopsticks to gesture at Yanjun, “That’s so cute! Why can’t I have that?”

“Shush” Yanjun laughs, throwing his head back, but taking care not to fall off of his chair, “You’ll find someone.”

“Sure I will”, Zhengting responds sarcastically, patiently squishing down the instinct to follow the lines of Yanjun’s throat with his eyes, knowing that that it’s fully off limits for him to gaze at now. From his position of sitting against the mirror on the floor, he can see the elder’s entire body, his white sweater and black sweats outlined by the pale wallpaper behind him.

All Yanjun does is hum in response, still not moving from his spot on the first chair in the line of seven. It had taken some major convincing from Zhengting to even coax him to get on it, much less stand straight. Many cold queer puns were made, but after the fifth repeat of some variation of why it was weird Zhengting of all people was trying to make Yanjun do something straight, he’s finally gotten Yanjun to stand still.

That was when he’d first walked into the room with Yanjun, almost twenty minutes ago. Now his dinner was almost finished, he had left to apply a sheet mask, and his gege still hadn’t moved a centimeter from where Zhengting left him. Nothing he could say would get Yanjun to take another step though, and so Zhengting had gotten Yanjun to tell him the details of that cute lunch date Zhangjing had taken him on.

A subdued knocking sound interrupted their comfortable silence, and the door swung open to reveal You Zhangjing. Zhengting grinned wryly to himself, of course now that his geges were so close to getting together, they’d become even more attached at the hip than before.

Zhangjing quickly strode over to him and held out his hands expectantly, one of the habits Zhengting had learned about the eldest was that he liked to squeeze people’s hands in greeting. Another he had learned was that Yanjun was the only person to intertwine their fingers and run the tips of his over Zhangjing’s palm creases and veins. They both shared a soft smile instead of a vocal hello, before Zhangjing let Zhengting’s hands drop so he could walk to speak to Yanjun.

As Yanjun and Zhangjing giggled to each other about their height differences being even more increased due to Yanjun being on the chairs, Zhengting took the time to consider his friends before him. And yes, he did mean friends as in plural.

In fact, a mini bar of chocolate with sea salt and almonds was set on the floor right next to his almost empty noodle bowl, just for his short friend. The times their practices ended hadn’t started to coincide yet, but since Zhengting spent so much time with Yanjun now, he just waited for Zhangjing to show up sooner or later.

He watched as Zhangjing finally neared Yanjun. The man on the chairs took a step forward to grab Zhangjing’s outstretched hands and held on, comme Michaelangelo’s The Creation Of Adam.

And really, Zhengting reasoned, watching the laughing almost couple interact, scenes like this were reminders for him. Reminders to stop his heart from falling any further than it had; the almost imperceptible twinge of pain when Zhangjing hadn’t even had to say a word to Yanjun yet the elder had moved anyways, just to greet him - that needed to stop. Anything he felt when ever he made eye contact with Zhangjing and received the world’s sunniest smile in return, anything that made blood rush to his face when Yanjun said words that could have double meanings, anything that fireworks light up under his skin when ever either of them touched him; such small stirrings of romance couldn’t and WOULD NOT coexist with his geges’ love.

Zhengting knew small crushes like these were minuscule, fleeting, so as he curled his head forwards to rest his forehead on his knees, he let the gentle sounds of Yanjun and Zhangjing’s laughter wash over him. His heart was always too much for him, love spread so thin over multiple pieces, or like with Yanchen, it soaked the other boy in its excess. Even now, he didn’t even have only little bits of feelings for just the pair in front of him.

“So what were you guys talking about before I came in?” Zhangjing asked, resting his head on Yanjun’s standing thigh to level a stare at Zhengting.

“Zhengting was being silly.” Yanjun responded as Zhengting had stalled for time before answering (more like he had no idea what to say).

“It was just stupid stuff”, Zhengting almost whispered, his throat strangling his voice from going too loud, “...like insecurities, I guess...”

“Well I’m not sure what you could be insecure about”, Zhangjing attempted to reassure him, taking a couple steps towards him before he continued, “But I’m sure it’s something so small that nobody notices, something that’s all in your head, or something that won’t change and you’ll have to learn to love it.”

Zhangjing had no idea how close to home his words were hitting, Zhengting thought somberly, as the shorter man took a seat next to him and swung an arm over his shoulders. Yanjun got down from the chairs and walked over too, sitting on the other side of him. The older man carded a hand through Zhengting’s bleach damaged hair, resting at the base of his neck and rubbing comforting circles on top of his sweatshirt.

The two of them were so kind, anticipating the way tears that would never fall had choked Zhengting into pained silence, and had moved as a unit to make sure he didn’t feel alone. Always, always, always, he was beheld at the mercy of kindness, first with Zeren and now his two new friends.

A darker part of him hisses that he was so lonely and desperate after Yanchen that he clutched any shred of male attention to his chest.

Zhengting ignores that thought, and as both Yanjun and Zhangjing gently touch him, he figures he was just too blindsided by kindness and his history with Yanjun to consider the depths of his feelings. And it was normal, he reasoned, looking back at Produce 101, he had many friends now that at first he had felt a little more towards. Speaking of whom, as the door of the practice room swings open, Zhu Xingjie steps through the door.

Comedically, the shorter trainee's ebony brows raised at the sight of all three of them huddled together on the floor, his pace immediately slowing to a stop as the door softly closed behind him. Zhengting would have giggled at the sight if not for the circumstances, this was the first time he had seen Xingjie look this confused at someone's actions that wasn't Xiao Gui.

"Am I interrupting something?" Xingjie asked smoothly, composure already recovering, "I can tell the team to practice on their individual parts if you need some time."

"No it's okay", Zhengting reassures him as he stands up from the circle of Yanjun and Zhangjing's arms, "My children are probably going insane already."

It has taken years of trainee experience to learn how to gingerly pack away his feelings, to stuff the holes in his bleeding heart, a temporary stopper of a leak that felt permanent, in order to drag his body up to practice. Zhu Zhengting has transformed himself from a boy made of spun glass, to a man with bones of diamonds; it's the the same look and the exact clarity, but what lies underneath has been built entirely by the pressure of the idol life. Zhengting remembers this fact as he walks through the door with Xingjie.

He is softer yet stronger than any one has ever given him credit for.

"Are you alright?" Xingjie asks, surprisingly warm hands coming to grip his shoulder. The elder has been a wonderful new friend these days after the elimination, always moving on from the awkward pauses that come from Yanchen and Zhengting's interactions. When he cannot escape the practice room, when the electronic melody of "Firewalking" lets him know he cannot rely on Yanjun during a water break, Xingjie carries on conversations that are actually interesting and not just small talk. He has a lot of things to say, sometimes to Zhengting it feels like Xingjie's been waiting to become his friend.

Sometimes he'll glance up from watching a dance move in the mirror, and find Xingjie's eyes on him. Unlike almost every man Zhengting has ever known, Xingjie does not look away from him, nor does his resulting smile make Zhengting feel like prey. When Xingjie's touch lingers on his skin, he stays put as Zhengting returns it.

It is one of the first times in his life, that Zhengting has met someone has transparent as him.

"Of course not", Zhengting chuckles, leaning down and stopping to gently smile against Xingjie's shoulder, "But I will be as long as you stay with me."

\- -

You Zhangjing has not had a serious conversation with Lin Yanjun for two days since their lunch date - every time they see each other - practice has worn them into the ground and crushed their spirits. His entire body is sore, the dance for "I Will Always Remember" wouldn't be half as exhausting if not for the high note that Zhangjing had to perform. As well as all the extra lessons he had to give Ziyi on vocals. 

This all meant that their shared meals were scarfed down as quickly as possible in order to return back to their own practice rooms, any talk at all being about counts or techniques. Zhangjing had been doing everything quickly, he has even forgone makeup and styling his hair so he could have more time to sleep. The stage was was tomorrow, almost every group has stayed up late in order to cram one last session in. 

So when Zhangjing stumbled into the bathroom in front of Lin Yanjun, he was extremely thankful for the communal showers being made available. Currently, Chaoze was using the shower in their shared room and Zhangjing desperately needed to sleep. The hour was so late that every one else had already gone to bed, there was only the two of them. 

Every time he blinked, the movement was a slow, drag across his irises and his entire body felt oddly warm, like the very air was his blanket. Yesterday he had slapped some oil onto his skin for skincare and called it a day; Zhangjing hadn't even showered because he had been so tired. 

Now he was gross and sweaty from the dance work, honestly, Zhangjing didn't know how Yanjun put up with him. They got undressed facing each other as always and although Zhangjing knew he was allowed to look at Yanjun's body; he still politely averted his eyes and made sure not to stare. However guessing by the slight pink tint to Yanjun's cheeks when the younger boy finally peeled off his nerdy Marvel underwear, he hadn't succeeded. They tied their towels around their waists in the same way, courtesy of Zhangjing's mother. Despite being the same length, Yanjun's towel did not touch the ground like Zhangjing's did. 

"Lin Yanjun", Zhangjing slurred, his words broken by a yawn as he grabbed a very naked Yanjun and glared at him sleepily, "If you take an hour I'm not staying up in bed for you." 

All Yanjun did was laugh and ruffle his hair, commenting on soft it felt without any gel or hair spray. Zhangjing smiled at the compliment as they stepped into side-by-side shower stalls. The tan and grey tile would have looked rather ugly in any other place, but somehow their Idol Producer one's pulled it off. 

He quickly scrubbed himself with body wash, the cold water trying and failing to keep him from falling asleep in the shower. 

Absentmindedly Zhangjing let the warm water wash over his back, usually his minute long showers were that short due to him using ice water - today he just felt like having warm water so he turned the dial into the red section. He let his hands rest against the tile on the same wall the shower head was on, not minding the water that got him to relax wasn't supposed to lure him into going to sleep. Zhangjing was just so tired, letting his eyes fall closed for bit was standing was just fine. He could shampoo his hair without his vision, right? 

As Zhangjing was squeezing the liquid into his hand, the plastic became strangely slippery and he dropped it. The sound echoed in the bathroom meant for twenty only filled by two. He stared at it for a few moments, dully registering that he should probably pick it up and yet sluggishly he couldn't bring himself to do so - simply watching the water run over it on the floor. 

Zhangjing began to kneel down to get it, his hand supporting his weight on the wall. However, his weight and the slick tile combined to make his hand slip and have his shoulder come into contact with the wall and his knees slammed into the floor. A sharp cry fell from his lips, that kind of sound that made him slightly embarrassed for making .

Almost immediately the curtains to his shower swooshed open, metal rings making small screeching noises against the rod. Zhangjing felt himself jump as Yanjun's hands made contact with his shoulder. 

"Zhangjing!" Yanjun exclaimed, his face creasing with concern as he knelt down beside him on the tiles, "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine", Zhangjing responded, voice coming out higher than normal because there was a big difference between seeing Yanjun shirtless while changing and having his abs glisten from shower water while he touched Zhangjing, "Just a little tired." 

"..." Yanjun frowned at him, clearly thinking about something, before hauling both of them off of the ground. "Here, just let me help you. That way we can both get to bed earlier." 

"What? No- Yanjun!" Zhangjing blurted, throughly not expecting Yanjun to look up at him through his wet bangs where he had been picking up the shampoo bottle, not expecting him to look that hot with soaking wet hair, "You can't even bathe yourself in less than two hours, how are you supposed to help me?" 

"I'll be quick I promise." Yanjun said, pushing one of his shoulders back so Zhangjing's head was under the spray before tugging him right back out, "How much shampoo do you normally use?" 

"Like a dollop?" Zhangjing responded, embarrassment being nowhere near to vanishing as Yanjun positioned the bottle over his hand but then stopped and gave him a look. What ever tiredness he had been feeling was well gone by now. 

"Wait how much is a dollop?" Yanjun questioned, looking far too adorable when he was confused. 

"Like this much", Zhangjing put his hands over Yanjun's and squeezed just the right amount onto Yanjun's palms. He ignored the part of his mind that noted how domestic this scene was. 

"Mm okay" Yanjun simply said, setting the bottle back down on the floor and giving Zhangjing a perfect view of water running down his back. He put his hand into Zhangjing's hair and rubbed it only for a few seconds before frowning and saying, "Shit, your hair is too dry. Can you step backwards and get it like just a little more wet?" 

"Yeah?" Zhangjing said, leaning away from Yanjun and feeling water run down his face. 

"Perfect" Yanjun decided as he took his head out from the water. Yanjun's hands gently massaged his scalp as Zhangjing watched water from the shower pool in his sharp collar bones, spilling over and running down his chest and his abs. Normally he would enjoy the view, but his sleepiness was returning and no amount of muscle on the boy he loved could prevent his eyes from slowly closing and enjoying Yanjun's ministrations. 

"Okay, I need you to step back into it." Yanjun said, interrupting his almost dreamlike state. 

Zhangjing complied, a stray thought making him pout and mumble sleepily, "Don't let it get into my eyes." 

"Of course not." Yanjun's voice sounded from suddenly much closer, one of his hands on Zhangjing's forehead to block the streams of water cascading down his hair while the other rinsed out the suds.

"All done." Yanjun quietly stated, his voice barely audible over the sounds of water, "Did you already wash your body?" 

"Yeah" Zhangjing answered, opening his eyes to find Yanjun looking at him with the fondest expression on his face, eyes completely filled with warmth and the hand that was washing his hair coming down to slip into one of Zhangjing's. "Did you?" 

A sheepish shrug was all that he got as an answer, a groan left Zhangjing's lips as he pushed Yanjun under the water, taking care not to let his hands linger on Yanjun's soft skin and picked up the bottle of body wash. 

"Wait I can do it myself!" Yanjun protested as Zhangjing squeezed an enormous amount onto his palms and lathered it. 

"Then give me your hands." Zhangjing demanded, passing off some of the soap to Yanjun and sleepily pushing at his chest, "Just wash your legs and if you knee me anywhere I'll kick you." 

Zhangjing ignored Yanjun's snort of laughter at his statement and his whisper of "cute" as he attempted to scrub Yanjun's shoulders. Somehow they made it work, Yanjun barely balancing himself on the slick tile with only one leg and Zhangjing on his tip toes. Shampooing followed soon after, him finally getting tired of stretching up constantly and making Yanjun bend down. 

As the water ran over Yanjun's hair, Zhangjing tilted the younger boy's chin up because "My hands are not nearly big enough to do what you did". 

Sensing the perfect moment he said, "I love how you take care of me." 

Yanjun leaned his head back forwards and grasped Zhangjing's hand. Seriously he said, "We take care of each other, that's how it's always been." 

Zhangjing looked up at the big beautiful boy who loved him more than earth itself, who he loved more than every star in the night sky; together they made the heavens above. 

"And that will never change." Yanjun continued, leaning down to kiss him, Zhangjing gently cradling his cheek. Zhangjing thinks to himself as he holds his entire world between his hands - that he does not need to ascend to find Eden - he has been blessed with Paradise since he fell in love with Lin Yanjun. 

They kiss despite their tiredness, he kisses every word of his confession against Yanjun's lips; Yanjun whispers "I love you" near the end. They both ignore the water streaming down their faces, as Zhangjing says it back. Both of them think to themselves that they have never seen anything more beautiful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should be posting a few one shots for a late Yanjun birthday and an early Zhangjing birthday countdown because I’m a total mess. 
> 
> Please tell me what you thought of the chapter down in the comments :]


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